Update: The timeline talk did not go as planned.

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 46
Member
1660 posts
Bumble bee

I’ll add that I feel most guys (maybe girls I dunno I haven’t put thought into it) are either 1) oriented towards commitment, 2) do what other dudes do, or 3) like the freedom of being more of a single bro. 

Guys in the first group get married youngest relative to the norm of their community. Those are the 24-27 year old guys in New York City who propose to their girlfriend of 3 years. 

The second will propose only when their buddies start getting married. But soon after. Guys in this category who are 25 in NYC never propose. They propose closer to 30. 

The last group resists even when 95% of his buddies are married and tries to date younger girls to avoid the “pressure”. I tend to notice that they’re generally more independent and more likely to flirt with other girls despite having a girlfriend. If they ever propose, these guys in NYC propose around age 35. 

Post # 47
Member
11467 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

RobbieAndJuliahaha :  🙌🏽 You had me rolling with “I used to be the envy…” So true that the cool girl myth is used to manipulate women who stand up for themselves. 

Hoping it works out for you, OP. 

Post # 48
Member
142 posts
Blushing bee

azf0019 :  thanks for the tip! I’ll download the ad blocker. Lol I screamed for 10 seconds and barely controlled myself from throwing my phone out the window too.

Part of what I wrote 3 times earlier, which got deleted 3 times, is that I definitely started telling my bf 4 years into our relationship that it was time to take action. I felt stupid at first, thinking I was desperate, but it’s reasonable to know whether your future goals align. 4 years was more than enough time to set expectations and I wanted something to look forward to. It’s now been 4 years an 11 months and he only made an actual effort and executed a plan 2 months ago… it wasnt as soon as I would’ve preferred but I really credit any forward movement to speaking up, laying out my expectations and adding a little more pressure by setting a shorter timeline at that point.  So whatever you do, don’t hesitate to set a timeline, communicate what you want for your shared future and try to find out why he’s not ready. Hopefully you can determine whether you have the same future goals and can make a plan that works for both.

Post # 49
Member
419 posts
Helper bee

He sounds like a nice guy who doesn’t want to grow up and thinks marriage is a ball and chain situation that should be avoided because it means he’s “whipped”. I’m sorry your talk didn’t go as planned. I’ll echo another bee and say I think you are very young! Doesn’t mean you don’t know what you want but you are correct in that you have lots of options and opportunities left. Don’t waste your youth on a man who doesn’t have the same goals as you. Also what a dick to think that the man is the only one who can take the lead on proposing. Sounds like he believes men make the decisions and you’ll be getting engaged/married on his timeline not yours. 

Post # 50
Member
3082 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Haven’t read all the replies, but I hope this helps.

I met my husband at 19 in the first year of uni. We moved in together a year after we graduated and had been together about 4 years. He proposed at 7.5 years and we got married just after being together 8 years. We will be celebrating 15 years together in May.

I was ready WAY before he was to get married ,and like you around 25 I started asking and getting a bit ansty.

I was clear with him that I didn’t want to get to our 10 year anniversary and not be married. I understood that meeting so young meant that we would likely be together way longer than friends who met later on. We needed to grow up and make sure we were growing up together and not apart.

He inherited a house just before we got engaged that needed extensive renovation. I was very clear that I would not invest any money into this renovation and would only purchase moveable items (like furniture I could take with me if I left) for the house until we were married. In the UK I would have had no legal right to this house so I wasn’t putting my money into it.

Then I shut up about it (that was until a friend of ours got engaged and I had a grumpy day with husband, didn’t know that he had plans to propose 2 weeks later on our holiday)

I admire you for being clear about what you will and won’t do before marriage, and you need to stick to that, but you do seem a bit pressurising.

I will ask you a question – when did you feel ready for marriage and could you articuate how you felt before hand, when you were not ready ?

Post # 51
Member
582 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I didn’t read your previous posts and am not invested in this thread, tbh, but I am surprised that no one else has mentioned how utterly bizarre it is that you began what sounds like it was supposed to be a serious, important conversation as he was headed out the door. And then when it didn’t go your way, you “stopped listening.” 

Post # 52
Member
208 posts
Helper bee

I hope it all works out for you. Hopefully he starts to take the relationship more seriously :-). If not then we can go out and find you a new man 😉

Post # 53
Member
1114 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Yessss!!!!! You handled that perfectly!!!! Congratulations!!!

 

Post # 54
Member
1283 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

Ooh bee, I am so heated for you. What an immature response to a serious conversation. I’d have gone off when he said the bit about trusting him to lead like this isn’t your life too. And pulling the “cool girl” bullshit. He’s acting like it’s unreasonable for you to want to know his intentions for the trajectory of YOUR life. 

Stick to your guns on this. Definitely don’t resign your lease unless you get some more concrete feedback.

Post # 57
Member
1997 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

azf0019 :  

Oh bee sad for ya Pack now he don’t deserve you dont waste more!

Post # 58
Member
7660 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

azf0019 :  “Either way, I shouldn’t have to explain my worth and give reasons why he should marry me. Bluntly, fuck that. He should know the benefits of marrying me after getting husband benefits for the past 4 years.”

Yesssssssssssss!!! 

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