Update: The timeline talk did not go as planned.

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 121
Member
547 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

I’m glad he communicated properly Bee! 🙂

Post # 122
Member
882 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

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nifer317 :  Likely I am biased by my own situation (re: my previous comment in this thread), but I had a similar reaction as you.

I’ve come to see the “need more money” explanation as one of the easiest excuses to throw out and later abuse because it seems so logical on the face of it and also is so open ended.

My boyfriend did nothing but save money for the five years we were long distance. He lived at home, and his parents paid for all of his expenses besides entertainment. He has over $70k just sitting in his savings account, on top of his investments and other financials. He has no debt. I don’t want a ring that costs more than $2-3k. Yet he still uses  the “more money” excuse on me. 

OP, I don’t want to be a downer; you know your boyfriend, so if his response made you feel secure, then go with that. He did give you an actual timeline (next summer), which is reassuring (though it sounds like it’s after your own 5 year timeline). But if next summer comes along and he hits you with “Oh, sorry, I just need to save a little more. Only the best for you!”, then that will be a big red flag.

Post # 123
Member
1615 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI

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nifer317 :  after a little thought some concern crept in For me too.  Is this a ploy to get you to resign the lease and/or extend your timeline?  If that’s a possibility I’d say maybe still don’t resign.  Show him you’re serious by moving out and exploring yourself individually instead of waiting around for a timeline he might not meet as he just bought himself over a year of extension. This way he can have the time he needs and if it doesn’t work out you will have already moved out.  Nothing says I’m serious like I understand you need another year, but I’m going to get my own place for the next year while you get there.  If he breaks up with you , he wasn’t going to marry you anyway. Or he proposes to avoid losing you.  I’m thinking positive thought for you bee, just protect yourself. 

Post # 124
Member
2885 posts
Sugar bee

I hope it works out, but please be mindful that the “I need more time to save money to get you the big beautiful ring you deserve and I couldn’t possibly get you anything less” is one of the more common stalking/stonewalling tactics we see.  

Might be interesting to see his reaction if you proposed a starter ring (to be upgraded later), getting engaged with no ring, or offered to contribute to the ri g cost to speed along the new delayed timeline.

and as others have pointed out.. is he going to insist you put off the wedding for several years so he can save to afford the big beautiful wedding you deserve? Hold off on TTC until he can afford the big beautiful perfect house the baby deserves?

Post # 125
Member
11373 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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misslucy :  

Yep.

We get this one on the regular.  One of two possibilities:  he’s using the perceived need-to-save-millions-to buy-you-the-Hope Diamond because you deserve absolutely no less, as a stalling tactic.  Or, he’s totally not interested in what the OP wants and is, yet again, going to force her to accept things done his way.

I hear nothing to suggest mutuality.

Post # 127
Member
11373 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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azf0019 :  

Oh, Bee.  I so hope you’re reading this right and all of the rest of us are completely wrong and your trust is well placed.  

Post # 128
Member
2709 posts
Sugar bee

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girlfriendphd :  Whoa, your bf has 70k sitting in a savings account and still uses money as an excuse not to buy you a ring? Why are you still with this guy? I feel okay about OP now but I’m concerned about you. :/ 

Post # 129
Member
16 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2027

Don’t mean to be rude, maybe going forward you guys could focus on communication during this pre-engagement period – it looks like the drama could have been avoided with a more functional exchange. In your engaged and married life there will be many more occasions where a topic will be uncomfortable – better start gearing up for it 🙂

If I were you I’d also do regular checks on the process of your timeline. It’s a bit unfair to just be told “in X amount of months” and then be left in the dark (not saying he will leave you in the dark, just saying it might happen as you both might have different expectations). You really don’t want to find yourself in 1 year from now blindsided because the topic has been avoided for 12 months – this is valid even if you trust your guy 100%, since now it’s a shared timeline it shouldn’t be an issue.

Post # 130
Member
9545 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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azf0019 :  

Well I am very happy that you are  happy  OP, though  I am with the crew who instantly got wary at the  ‘I  have to save much more to  get you the ring  you deserve ‘thing , given he knows very   well you don’t need/want a flashy ring but that you do want commitment .

It’s all still on his terms , and I was , after being very cheerful about your level headedness and refusal dwindle into  a waiting bee’ , a bit horrified  to see this “I don’t mind letting him lead, but as of late I’ve been feeling more and more like that is a right that should be reserved for a husband, not just a boyfriend…”  Leading is emphatically not the  ‘right’ of a husband , except in the eyes of  very  conservative patriarchal religious  types , which you have shown no  sign of here. 

I really hope you don’t  mean it as it looks/sounds . Personally  , I dont think you’ll go the   year waiting for the  promised commmittment to materialise and I think your fading emotions over all this are real and  just got a bit of a temporary fillip from the ring conversation. Don’t sign that lease on the strength of it.   

Post # 131
Member
11373 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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elderbee :  

He does seem to know just how to reel OP back in when she wanders too far astray.

Post # 132
Member
5083 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2014

I don’t know. I think I’d be tempted to try to take him up on the courthouse next week claim and see if he’s really serious. Print off the paperwork, set a time to go to the courthouse, etc. and see if he balks at that. It just seems weird to be willing to get courthouse married next week or wait over a year to get an expensive ring that you don’t need, but being unwilling to get get a ring you want and get engaged. If he’s ok getting married next week without the expensive ring, why is not not ok with getting the ring you want and getting engaged in a reasonable amount of time? That’s not compromise, that’s him doing what he wants.

Post # 133
Member
882 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

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browneyedgirl24 :  Yeah, it’s a lot, right? I know he grew up with more money than me, and we may have different opinions on what is a comfortable amount of savings, but come on. I have a fraction of what he has, but I have no debt either and would have been prepared to buy him a $3000 engagement present at any time.

I think the “more money for a ring” or the “more money because more money” excuse is a stalling tactic most of the time. Either the guy doesn’t want to propose or isn’t sure, he doesn’t want to plan a proposal yet because it’s work, or he doesn’t want to buy a ring.

I think my boyfriend falls under option 2. But he knows I don’t care to hear his reasons anymore and was considering    moving to a new apartment without him. I was not satisfied with his response that he had always planned to propose this summer, because at the time that could have still been six months away. I told him I wasn’t happy, but I let him apply for the apartment with me in case he is ready to step up. I am still going to go ahead and sign the lease without him if he hasn’t proposed or made steps towards a proposal for the immediate future. I don’t care what or where the proposal is; I just need to see him put in some effort at this point.

Post # 134
Member
5 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2019

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azf0019 :  Marriage is for sure about compromise, I think people’s concern here is that it seems like you are the only one compromising.

Post # 135
Member
26 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I just wanted to say that I believe your SO too! 

A lot of people here seemed worried for you, but based on the way you’ve described him, except for that one conversation, he seems like a good, trustworthy person. Sometimes people make mistakes or say stupid things.  My husband is so so amazing, but there were two converstaions in our entire relationship where he’s said something pretty stupid.  Lol. Most people that know him in real life would never believe me if I told them. 

You also don’t seem like the person to let a SO walk all over you, so yes, trust your judgement! 

I wish you the best of luck! 

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