- 2 years ago
- Wedding: July 2019
I’m glad he communicated properly Bee! 🙂
I’m glad he communicated properly Bee! 🙂
I’ve come to see the “need more money” explanation as one of the easiest excuses to throw out and later abuse because it seems so logical on the face of it and also is so open ended.
My boyfriend did nothing but save money for the five years we were long distance. He lived at home, and his parents paid for all of his expenses besides entertainment. He has over $70k just sitting in his savings account, on top of his investments and other financials. He has no debt. I don’t want a ring that costs more than $2-3k. Yet he still uses the “more money” excuse on me.
OP, I don’t want to be a downer; you know your boyfriend, so if his response made you feel secure, then go with that. He did give you an actual timeline (next summer), which is reassuring (though it sounds like it’s after your own 5 year timeline). But if next summer comes along and he hits you with “Oh, sorry, I just need to save a little more. Only the best for you!”, then that will be a big red flag.
I hope it works out, but please be mindful that the “I need more time to save money to get you the big beautiful ring you deserve and I couldn’t possibly get you anything less” is one of the more common stalking/stonewalling tactics we see.
Might be interesting to see his reaction if you proposed a starter ring (to be upgraded later), getting engaged with no ring, or offered to contribute to the ri g cost to speed along the new delayed timeline.
and as others have pointed out.. is he going to insist you put off the wedding for several years so he can save to afford the big beautiful wedding you deserve? Hold off on TTC until he can afford the big beautiful perfect house the baby deserves?
We get this one on the regular. One of two possibilities: he’s using the perceived need-to-save-millions-to buy-you-the-Hope Diamond because you deserve absolutely no less, as a stalling tactic. Or, he’s totally not interested in what the OP wants and is, yet again, going to force her to accept things done his way.
I hear nothing to suggest mutuality.
I understand that you all may assume he’s simply stalling due to the overwhelming number of bees here who have experienced similar outcomes; however, I’m quite confident in his explanation. I do trust him, and while I’d be okay with something smaller/less expensive than he’s looking for, I have also seen evidence of him actively working to save more money for a ring that he thinks is more suitable. This is okay with me for a few of reasons:
1.) It will be his hard earned money being spent on a ring
2.) If he’s going to buy something of better quality than I’d orignally looked at, I’m certainly not gonna complain
3.) Before his father passed a few years ago, he took excellent care (financially and emotionally) of his mother. He wants to have enough saved for both a ring he thinks is suitable, and to set a good foundation to have that ability should the need arise. He works hard and strives to be a man that his father would’ve been proud of–and this shows in many other aspects of his life, not just this one.
Also, with him stating that we could get married next week if I wanted, and if I actually held him to it, I believe he would; however, as we all know, marriage is about compromise. I don’t have a problem waiting for another year until he’s in a place where he feels more established before getting married. I know this post may have been read as me being in a hurry to get married, but that isn’t at all the case…I just wanted to know that we were both sure about each other and on the same/close to the same timeline. Him saying he’d be ready by next summer signifies, to me, that our timelines are at least pretty close (give or take a few months).
Either way, I’m still being true to myself and if it ever gets to the point where we aren’t growing as a couple or progressing towards marriage at the rate he outlined a few days ago, then I’ll know to proceed accordingly. Each waiting bee’s situation is different, and it is pretty hard to make a judgement from the outside looking in, as you’re only getting a piece of the story, rather than each involved party’s perspective. I, for one, trust my partner to do right by me in this situation, as he’s always been truthful and straightforward. And if this time turns out to be different, then hey–at least i’ll have learned a tough lesson while I still have some time left in my twenties.
Don’t mean to be rude, maybe going forward you guys could focus on communication during this pre-engagement period – it looks like the drama could have been avoided with a more functional exchange. In your engaged and married life there will be many more occasions where a topic will be uncomfortable – better start gearing up for it 🙂
If I were you I’d also do regular checks on the process of your timeline. It’s a bit unfair to just be told “in X amount of months” and then be left in the dark (not saying he will leave you in the dark, just saying it might happen as you both might have different expectations). You really don’t want to find yourself in 1 year from now blindsided because the topic has been avoided for 12 months – this is valid even if you trust your guy 100%, since now it’s a shared timeline it shouldn’t be an issue.
Well I am very happy that you are happy OP, though I am with the crew who instantly got wary at the ‘I have to save much more to get you the ring you deserve ‘thing , given he knows very well you don’t need/want a flashy ring but that you do want commitment .
It’s all still on his terms , and I was , after being very cheerful about your level headedness and refusal dwindle into a waiting bee’ , a bit horrified to see this “I don’t mind letting him lead, but as of late I’ve been feeling more and more like that is a right that should be reserved for a husband, not just a boyfriend…” Leading is emphatically not the ‘right’ of a husband , except in the eyes of very conservative patriarchal religious types , which you have shown no sign of here.
I really hope you don’t mean it as it looks/sounds . Personally , I dont think you’ll go the year waiting for the promised commmittment to materialise and I think your fading emotions over all this are real and just got a bit of a temporary fillip from the ring conversation. Don’t sign that lease on the strength of it.
I don’t know. I think I’d be tempted to try to take him up on the courthouse next week claim and see if he’s really serious. Print off the paperwork, set a time to go to the courthouse, etc. and see if he balks at that. It just seems weird to be willing to get courthouse married next week or wait over a year to get an expensive ring that you don’t need, but being unwilling to get get a ring you want and get engaged. If he’s ok getting married next week without the expensive ring, why is not not ok with getting the ring you want and getting engaged in a reasonable amount of time? That’s not compromise, that’s him doing what he wants.
I think the “more money for a ring” or the “more money because more money” excuse is a stalling tactic most of the time. Either the guy doesn’t want to propose or isn’t sure, he doesn’t want to plan a proposal yet because it’s work, or he doesn’t want to buy a ring.
I think my boyfriend falls under option 2. But he knows I don’t care to hear his reasons anymore and was considering moving to a new apartment without him. I was not satisfied with his response that he had always planned to propose this summer, because at the time that could have still been six months away. I told him I wasn’t happy, but I let him apply for the apartment with me in case he is ready to step up. I am still going to go ahead and sign the lease without him if he hasn’t proposed or made steps towards a proposal for the immediate future. I don’t care what or where the proposal is; I just need to see him put in some effort at this point.
I just wanted to say that I believe your SO too!
A lot of people here seemed worried for you, but based on the way you’ve described him, except for that one conversation, he seems like a good, trustworthy person. Sometimes people make mistakes or say stupid things. My husband is so so amazing, but there were two converstaions in our entire relationship where he’s said something pretty stupid. Lol. Most people that know him in real life would never believe me if I told them.
You also don’t seem like the person to let a SO walk all over you, so yes, trust your judgement!
I wish you the best of luck!