(Closed) Update, the Wedding (and relationship) Is Off – Healing Journey (Part 2)

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 486
Member
155 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@MissMelly:  You’ll get through this. You will heal. You will be happy.

Post # 488
Member
399 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@MissMelly:  When a man puts you first it means that he doesn’t “forget” plans with you to hang out with his mates, it means that spending time with you will be a priority, and building a future (i.e. living together and getting married) will be more important than his friends’ opinions.

Post # 490
Member
399 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@MissMelly:  Yes, including your partner in major life decisions is a big part of putting them first. I would never think of applying to any schools or jobs in a different place without consulting my Fiance about it first.

You don’t need to feel guilty about being upset with him for not applying to schools near you. It was probably your subconscious telling you that he wasn’t as invested as you were. Long-distance can work for a while, but in the cases I have seen, there needs to be a mutual desire to be geographically close for it to work out. Some people prefer long-distance relationships because it means that they don’t need to put as much effort in, but I don’t think such relationships can really work in the long run.

 

Post # 492
Member
4913 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@MissMelly: 

Someone who puts your needs first means that they do things for you that they don’t necessarily want to do.  It’s both the little things and the big things. 

A good partner in a relationship is a good partner in life.

My Fiance and I don’t make ANY decisions without discussing it with the other person first and agreeing and compromising on everything.  When we moved from NY to SC, we made the decision together – we picked the state together, we picked the city together, we picked the apartment together.  While we both wanted to move out of NY, my Fiance isn’t from NY so when we first started dating he said he didn’t want to end up in NY and I agreed.  He asked me how long I wanted to stay in NY and I said I wanted 3 years and he said I had 3 years.  After 1 year, we started looking at moving asap because I hated my job, but ultimately he said we were rushing things because (1) I was progressing in my job and I should stick it out even though I hated it because there was a light at the end of the tunnel (he was right, I agreed) and (2) he thought I needed to spend more time with my mom.  So we agreed – and 3 years later (almost exactly) we moved, together.  We both packed, together.  We both loaded and unloaded the moving truck, together.

My Fiance would have never applied for jobs in another state other than NY or SC.  Those were our only 2 options.  He probably would have preferred to move to Colorado or California, but he picked SC because it was good for the BOTH of us.  I hate the cold so I would be miserable in Colorado, etc. 

My Fiance wakes up every morning and makes the bed.  I hate making the bed, but I hate the bed to be unmade lol.  He also does all the dishes and cleans up every day before I get home from work.  He does the laundry (I fold). 

Tonight, he cleaned the tub and ran me a bath because I had a long, exhausting day at work.  He’s busy with his own responsibilities, too.  But, he puts my needs first. He helped me cook even though cooking is technically my responsibility (we split things – I cook, he cleans, etc). 

That’s what I’m talking about – big decisions are made together, little things that he doesn’t want to do on a daily basis he does because he knows they make me happy. 

He’s allowed to have guy nights, but 99% of the time he prefers to be with me or have me there.  He misses me when I’m gone, even for a few hours – even while I’m at work!  If I’m not home at the right time, he calls to check up on me to make sure I’m coming home and I’m Ok. 

Football Sundays are important to him and so, even though I hated football before, I did my best to start liking it – I joined a fantasy football team, I went to a game with him, I don’t complain when he puts football on ALL Sunday long and as a thank you, he plans fun things for us to do together on Saturdays and if the game isn’t important to him, he won’t watch it.  If there’s something important to me that happens on a Sunday and I really want him to do it with me, he’ll even forego football Sundays and do it with me.

I could go on and on – but the point is, my happiness makes him happy.  He would never do something he wants to do if it would make me unhappy.  He goes out of his way to do things that he knows will put a smile on my face. 

This is what I had been looking for all along.  I would date a guy, he wouldn’t act like this and so we broke up.  I can’t be with someone who doesn’t give me everything he’s got when I know I give him everything I’ve got. 

Does that clarify?

Post # 494
Member
4913 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@MissMelly:  It is SO ridiculous that he wouldn’t spend the night because it meant getting up earlier for work.  That is SO, SO selfish and shows how he would put himself before you.  That extra 15 or so minutes of beauty sleep were more important than spending the night with you???? 

When Fiance and I didn’t live together, I would go to his place and he would ride home in the car with me and then run 3.5 miles to get home, just so that he could drop me off at home on days he didn’t have a car.  When he did have a car, he would follow me home in his car and then drive back. 

Obviously I think my Fiance is great – I’m going to marry him! – but I don’t think he’s the only one!  Part of me thinks it was harder to find someone like that in NY, specifically, because NY is a very individualistic society and Fiance is from the South, where people are generally nicer and more caring about others and men treat women like ladies.  But, I do know that nice guys like that DO exist.  I’m not sure if that’s just how he is in general (like, did he treat his exes like this?? I’m sure he treated them really well, but did he treat them as well as he treats me?  I’m not sure – I think he treats me so well because of how deep his love is for me). 

I think that when you love someone, you want to do anything to make them happy.

He certainly has his flaws.  I do, too.  But we work through them or overlook them because everything else works itself out and is worth it – otherwise, we would have to find new partners! 

Perhaps Ben will find another girl and she will be happy with him – maybe a girl who doesn’t care to see her boyfriend as much, maybe she’s selfish, too, or just needs her space – some people are like that.  But, I think you can see that there was so much missing from your relationship that he did you a favor by walking out – he definitely could have done it in a much better, more mature manner.  But, at least this leaves you to find someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. 

Post # 496
Member
167 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@MissFireFlower:  I couldn’t agree more! Go do something for you….give yourself time to heal and rediscover what make you happy.

Post # 497
Member
167 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@MissMelly:  I don’t recommend meeting guys in bars. There are alot of ways to meet men. You could go online, join a group or class of interest, talk to the cute guy in line at the coffee shop, test out speed dating (it’s really fun i’ve heard), depending on where you work maybe there (that’s where I met my Fiance). There are plenty of good men out there….you just have to venture out to find them 🙂

Post # 499
Member
399 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@MissMelly:  He loved me, just not more than himself.

 

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again; he didn’t love you at all. All the love he’s capable of feeling he feels solely for himself. If he had loved you even a little bit, he wouldn’t have done half the things he did.

The topic ‘Update, the Wedding (and relationship) Is Off – Healing Journey (Part 2)’ is closed to new replies.

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