(Closed) Update, the Wedding (and relationship) Is Off – Healing Journey (Part 2)

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 590
Member
2450 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@MariaW:  Hi Maria and Melly – I hope you are both doing well

Post # 591
Member
802 posts
Busy bee

@nycsa:  I am! It sounds like Melly is too, which is great. I can’t even imagine dealing with what she had to go through, and am so impressed by how strong she has been!

Post # 592
Member
2803 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@MissMelly:  I’m so glad that you are enjoying the new job and being home. 

 

I saw this the other day and thought of you:

It isn’t worded exceedingly well but I think you’ll get the idea. 

*hugs* I have no doubt that things will just continue to get better. 

Also, on the bad days, remember this too:

Post # 594
Member
2748 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@MissMelly:  I’m going to tell you something that it took my Fiance a long time to take to heart. Practice makes perfect, especially when it comes to the bedroom. I don’t know how many times you’ve been with this guy, but if it’s just a handful he may still be nervous. You were with your ex for quite awhile, he had plenty of time to figure your body out, and if he was amazing right out of the gate, then he was darn lucky. If everything else is going well with this new guy I would just give it some time. It took my Fiance almost a year to really figure me out, and now he knows how to please me better than anyone including myself.

Post # 595
Member
120 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@MissMelly:  Oh goodness sweetheart you are one strong cookie you know that? Well my dear, my mother always remind me of this: The best things come when you aren’t looking. I was reading your post and honestly had tears pouring out of my eyes, (had been in a similar situation before meeting my handsome fiancee)

 

As for the new mysterious man 😉 I’d say give him a chance, he seems promising and best I agree with Eckle pratice makes perfect!

 

You don’t know how happy I am for you dear, you really grew from this experience and as for your ex, let bygones be bygones and honestly if he didn’t see you for what you were worth then honey, he wasn’t meant to be with an awesome person like you. Besides it’s best to let a man like that see you as being absolutely happy with life, not in tears.

 

Stay blessed!

 

Post # 597
Member
557 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I wouldn’t worry about him being “the one” right out of the gate. Take some time and have fun together. You’ve heard the load adage that “comparison is the thief of joy”, a sentiment that especially applies here. Don’t fell rushed, hurried, or frenzied in your search for a guy that could be your FH. There is no pressure to find the guy so you can “put in your time” and then be married. This is your life and the experiences you have and the memories you make will form and re-form your character; and as such the hurt does sometimes come back even in times of happiness. Good character is about staring down your own worst experiences and not letting them destroy your future. Thoughts of ex-BFs will come and go; the key is to acknowledge the thoughts and let them pass.

Post # 598
Member
4913 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@MissMelly:  Hey, you!

In the very beginning, even though my Fiance was better in bed, there was a certain chemistry that was missing. It wasn’t passion or anything, I can’t explain it really, but there was something about the way my ex smelled (just his body scent) that drove me nuts and turned me on. It took me a long time, especially since I started dating my now-FI 2 weeks after I broke up with my ex, to get over that. It actually took me a long time to get over my ex entirely. Now, I can look back and think about all the bad things about him, I can barely remember any good and if I think about it, he was actually awful in bed, but I still enjoyed it bc I was so in love with him at the time.

Also, as a PP said – practice makes perfect. Sex is something that everyone likes a little bit differently and it’s hard to know exactly what to do right away. You need to just tell him what you like and what he should be doing. I know other people who would (and have) broken up with guys bc they were bad in bed, but I personally wouldn’t (depending on just how awful it was, I suppose).

You shouldn’t be comparing, btw. When people say he will blow your Fiance out the water, it doesn’t necessarily mean that right off the bat you’re going to meet someone and be like OMG WHAT WAS I DOING W/ X? My relationship w/ my Fiance in the beginning was pretty rocky (I was still getting over my ex-and he knew, but he thought it should be going faster than it was and it wasn’t), but eventually we moved past that and had amazing times, he’s my number 1 fan and supporter, he would rather spend time with me than anyone else, etc. etc. – all the things my ex was not. Looking back, I’m like, “What in the world did I even like about him??”

But it took a really long time to get there. Even when my Fiance did everything my ex wouldn’t do, my head said, “This is the one” and my heart still pined for my ex at times. I was lucky to have a man who was so understanding and supportive and now, I wake up and roll over and smell the back of my FI’s neck and it’s heavenly. I love him sooo much and so much more than I loved my Fiance, but we’ve also been together for nearly 4 years.

It’s really hard to compare, especially a much newer relationship to a relationship where two people have grown comfortable with each other.

Take things one day at a time. See if you can work on the sex thing, especially if that’s the only thing right now that’s lacking.

And I would ask people to stop giving you updates about your ex. I would block him from everything and just try to take 1-2 years of not thinking about him at all. I didn’t speak to my ex for a year after we broke up.. and that was the last time I spoke to him, one time, a year after we broke up.. and it’s been 2 1/2 years. Sometimes my friends who are still FB friends with him will update me and send me pix from his FB – I don’t mind now, but it would have been really difficult at first to get those types of updates.

Post # 599
Member
120 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@MissMelly:  I get where your coming from, but take it a step at at time too. You shouldn’t worry about it too much. That’s why it’s called a healing process dear.

 

Just go with the flow, let things happen on its own and embrace it.

 

Hope this helps.

 

Post # 600
Member
3338 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I would have to venture that you just aren’t ready. From the devastation of your original post, the fact that you are still getting information on him a year later (FB maybe or mutual friends) says to me that you are still in the process of healing. When you can get to the point where you don’t even care if he IS in love or what the hell that scumbag is doing, you will feel much much better and in a better place to date. If you are har boring these feelings about your ex and still breaking down its not fair to you or anyone else really to date. Take care of yourself and allow all the time you need to heal. There is no deadline. Hugs.

Post # 601
Member
399 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Have you only slept with this new guy once?

I have to admit that sex with Fiance wasn’t amazing the first few times. He’d had a few drinks and was very nervous (because he liked me so much), and therefore couldn’t perform as well. We had such great physical chemistry already on our first date (after he walked me home we kissed for over an hour and it was amazing), but it took a few tries for us to have good sex.

This wasn’t just on him though, it was also due to the fact that I had never really had amazing sex with anyone before my Fiance (that’s a whole other story), and I therefore had no idea what great sex was supposed to be like. So for me, it took about 6 months of sleeping together before I really started to enjoy it. We’ve been together for 4 1/2 years now and I’m still figuring out what I like and what I don’t like, but the sex is much, much better now than it was in the beginning.

Post # 602
Member
153 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I just wanted to share with you my story. I was with my ex-husband for 8 years, we lived together for 3 years and finally got married last October and Feb of this year he told me he didn’t love me anymore and I ended up finding out that he had met another woman and cheated on me with her in our house. End of March I went out with my best friend and I met a guy (I was in NO way looking to meet ANYONE, I didn’t even want to go out that night!). Our relationship from the very start was really strong and just different. I knew within weeks that he was the one I was meant for. We started dating (even though my divorce wasn’t finalized until May 20) and we have been this amazing happy couple ever since then. I know you may compare other guys to your ex and that’s normal. My ex is with this girl he cheated on me with and has been engaged to her since July! Did it hurt when I found out they were engaged? Yes but at the same time I’m happy with where I am in my life and I love my boyfriend and that made me realize that it was silly to even care about him being engaged. Give it a chance, don’t compare him to your ex because your ex isn’t who you truly thought he was!

Post # 603
Member
4685 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - City, State

@MissMelly: I specifically went looking for this thread this morning because for some reason you crossed my mind. Im so glad to see things are getting better even if they aren’t perfect. Are they ever really perfect anyway? no lol so any positive move forward is a good one.

As for this new guy, I think  you need to just stop comparing him to your ex and stop comparing how you feel now to how you felt with your ex. Here’s a couple things to consider…

When you give yourself over completely to someone and then have it all crash and burn, after that it takes way more time for you to give yourself over in that way again with someone new. If ever. I know that’s how I was. Once I got my heart broken that badly I was just….different. that raw, passionate, kind of attraction and love didn’t come as easy and I too thought it just wouldn’t be possible again with anyone else. That’s not true, but to get to it, you have to take a different route. You are, im sure, much more guarded now that this has all happened to you. Even without knowing it. So I would really try and remember that real, lasting love takes time to develop and you can’t imagine how much you can love someone who sticks by you and who really has taken the time and effort to understand you inside and out.

one more example, my mother was with my dad for 13 years. she adored my father but he jsut wasn’t very good to her in the end. She met my stepdad about 3 months after my dad was officially gone. She did not even like him when they met, she actually said no when he asked her out. His looks were all wrong, and she just didn’t see herself being with him. He tried again and again until she finally said yes to just one date. She enjoyed the date and his company and decided that it would be ok to go out with him again. and again… now they have been married for 14 years and she loves that man more than I can explain to you. She always laughs at how she just didn’t like him at all when they met. the moral of the story is that sometimes that over the top passion is not there right in the beginning. So don’t necessarily count someone completely out simply because you aren’t in love after one date or even a few months. the way I would measure it is if things keep gettin better rather than worse keep with it and see where it takes you. If you realize you are less and lesshappy rather than more and more happy with this person, then by all means, move forward. But please please stop comparing every detail of your new situations to what it was with your ex.

I think you put a lot of stock into your physical attraction to someone which worries me. You also seem to look for qualities that you think other people will admire who are looking at your partnerrelationship from the outside. I know physical attraction is definitely necessary but it’s sometimes also something that takes time to develop. Well the sexual chemistry anyway. take your time and enjoy the journey! if it turns out to be the right one, you’ll know, and if not, then maybe it was just another step along the way that you can take something positive from.

 

Good luck! please come back and keep us posted on how you are doing! xoxoxoxo

Post # 604
Member
2450 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@MissMelly:  Every relationship develops differently. Some people are head over heels from the beginning, some take time to develop. I don’t think first time sex with a new person is usually that amazing. I agree with the other posters that you should stop getting updates from people because they seem to affect you. Whatever he was in bed, he is not a very nice person and over time, this would have been an issue.

The topic ‘Update, the Wedding (and relationship) Is Off – Healing Journey (Part 2)’ is closed to new replies.

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