(Closed) Update, the Wedding (and relationship) Is Off

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 137
Member
521 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012 - Salvage One, Chicago

I understand your fears of never finding someone as good as your ex, but listen to everyone here telling you that they felt the exact same way, and then found someone better!  I remember crying in a ball on my bed, remembering and crying for all our little inside jokes, our terms of endearment, thinking that no one would be able to replicate that with me.  At the time it seems impossible.  

But after a few months they lose their power.  You forget, are less attached to them, and then someone new comes along and you create your new little world with them, and it’s just as great, if not better.  You will be happy again.  I mean, logically, you’re in your early 20s, do you really think, looking forward, that at 60 you’ll be still lamenting this guy?  It just won’t happen (despite what The Notebook may have us believe.)  

You’ve learned from this relationship and it will make the next one that much better and stronger.

Post # 138
Member
107 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@MissMelly:  Hey I have been reading all of this and I just wanted to give a little advice/encouragement.  I dated and loved a man desperately before I met my now husband.  It was a volitile extreme chemistry.  I can’t even describe it. We were either passionate and crazy about eachother or fighting.  There was no gray.  He ended it suddenly and I was left crushed, confused, alone. It took me a year to be OK.  I tried to date in that time and couldn’t do it.. I cried on a date once.. no lie. Then I met my husband.  He was everything my ex wasn’t… kind, quiet, considerate, sweet intellectual and nerdy. We went out a few times and I had FUN! and the more we hung out the more i cared for him… loved him.  It wasn’t fast and hot like a slap in the face.. but I can honeslty say that the love that I have for my husband is deeper than anything I have ever known.  As time has passed I have realized that my husband loves me for me..unconditionally, without question.  My ex did not… something was always wrong… somethign always needed to change…I was blinded by the fire.  Just take a deep breath and remember it will get better.  I promise. 

Post # 139
Member
679 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Oh sweetheart, you’re so courageous to open up like that.  Writing about it is really dealing with it head-on and it’ll help you heal faster.  You’re a strong woman!!! πŸ™‚

I’ve been through something very similar (more than once).  Let me just say that it is NOT your fault.  Nothing.  There is nothing you could’ve done.  Whatever is reason, he was not the one for you.  You need to keep concentrating on taking care of youself (don’t beat yourself up).

You might not want to hear this now, but you will meet someone.  Someone that would never do this to you.  And someone that will be as committed to marriage as you.

Post # 140
Member
918 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I’m 44.  I’ve been married twice already, lived with a guy and had a few other relationships.

Two of the guys I had relationships with, had male best friends that had a disproportionate influence on them.

The first time, it was the guy I lived with.  I was about your age…and his ‘best friend’ was a deeply unattractive man who’d never had a proper girlfriend.  He was less than pleased when I came along….and it got worse when we moved in together.  I was having a difficult time at work…and came home one Sunday to find that my guy had completely packed up all his stuff and moved back to his parents!  No warning, no discussion, all I got was a pathetic note.  

I was devestated.  I’d started seeing this guy very soon after my first marriage ended, and yes, things had moved pretty quickly.  But I was still blindsided.  After a couple of weeks, he came back and we started dating again.  It didn’t work…I couldn’t forgive him for what he had done, and his ‘best friend’ was giving him grief.  Worse, best friend and ex’s mother ganged up against me,  and booked him and best friend a week away over Christmas, knowing that I would end up spending it on my own!  

Their little plan to break us up for good worked.  

The second time, it was a guy who had a ‘best friend’ who just plain didn’t like me coming along and taking his drinking and golf buddy away.  This guy was so open to his influence that when his ‘best friend’ told him I wasn’t pretty, he took it to heart and dumped me!  And put the boot really in by telling me what his ‘best friend’ had said!!  

Both these guys were about your ex FI’s age.  Both were very very immature.  Most people (I’ve seen girls guilty of this, too) start trusting their own judgement, stop listening to peer pressure once they go into their 20s…but some just don’t.   Some never do, hence ‘keeping up with the Jones’.

Take it from me, and the other ladies here.  It doesn’t feel like it at the moment, but you will have the passion and the love again.  I left my 2nd husband when I was 41, and I thought that was it.  I met my current Fiance within a year, and we are a far better match than anyone that went before.  

It’s an old cliche, but give yourself time, peace and think of yourself.  Good luck. 

 

Post # 141
Member
351 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

This is never easy. Anyone can tell you that. I went through it a year and a half ago, and I never got an explaination either. He changed. I was heartbroken on where the promises of forever went. I never thought I’d recover.

Everyone told me I’d be fine. I couldn’t see it. It’s one of the saddest most painful realities that you just can’t see it until you go through it yourself. And then the light dawns.

There will be bad, and you will be hurt and upset. Do not hide from that. I read books. I talked to friends. They were amazing. I had a mixed CD from a friend that had first sad songs, then understanding songs, then girl power songs. The first month all they did was make me cry but by the third and fourth month they were really helping hit home. You are not alone. EVeryone feels this.

You will be okay. Everyone here is not wrong. You need a little faith and a little love from everyone who cares about you.

You will come out on top. You will find someone sooooo much better that you won’t even believe it. I thought I would never find someone better. It’s a natural thought. But I did, and I never could have imagined how comfortable and good it now feels. And I know now how not right the last person was.

It’s been a year and a half, and I still think of him from time to time. But mostly to say I can’t believe that’s where I was and this is where I am now. The transition is remarkable. I have faith you can get there too.

Best thoughts to you. You have support here. You will be okay. Keep the faith.

Post # 142
Member
983 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

Wow, I’m so sorry.

He made it sound like it was your fault, but I promise you, you didn’t do this. He did this. It sounds like he freaked and ran. In a few years time, I’m sure he’ll think and realize how wrong he was. But here’s what you have to keep in mind, there is nothing wrong with you. I know you can’t see it now, I know you can’t imagine it and I know it feels like the world tipped off its axis, but this is going to hurt less and less and one day it won’t hurt at all. The only thing that will make it easier is time.

Post # 143
Member
11736 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

So sorry to hear. What a douche bag! I can’t believe he went through the trouble of proposing only to want to call if off 2 weeks later.

As for him being a super douche to you and your family – I think that’s just how some guys deal with something that makes him so incredibly uncomfortable.  What an immature loser!

I know it’s probably hard to see it now but you are better off without him.  All your feelings right now are normal (aka you won’t be able to find someone else, you won’t be able to trust someone again).  When you find the right one (and as much as you think he was the right one, he wasn’t!),  you WILL be able to trust again.  You WILL find someone way better than him. You deserve way more than him and you will find it when the time is right. Hang in there, break ups suck.  I really think no contact is the best way to go to get over this the fastest.  

Cry as much as you need to but know that he is not worth even 1 of those tears (no man is!)

Post # 144
Member
9957 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@MissMelly:   ((HUGS))  Oh, hon.  This is one of the worst things anyone has to suffer in life, someone you love breaking your heart.

You have a million questions, but you may never have the answers to some of them. 

I’ve had my heart broken before, too, and had questions.  My questions, like yours, were “What could I have done differently?”  Eventually you come to realize that sometimes sh*t happens and we don’t have control over everything, or over another person.

The best thing you can do to help your healing process is this – learn to fall in love with yourself.  Whatever it takes, learn YOU and love YOU.  Crowd out his memory with new happy ones.  Even if only for a moment a day, smile.

And resolve, deep within yourself to NEVER, EVER AGAIN IN YOUR LIFE lose your dignity and beg anyone to stay with you.  If someone wants to leave you, open the door and show them the way out.  Never need another person so much you become a sobbing, whining mess on the floor because they’re leaving you.  Break down, if you must, but only after  they have walked out the door.  Because YOU are worth so much more than that.

I don’t know what his issues are, the PP’s have given a lot of great advice, wisdom and insight.  You are my concern, not him.  I will say he and his best friend seem to have an unusually close bond for heterosexual men, maybe they’re bi and discovered so on their camping trip.  You’ll probably never know.

As others have pointed out – he will be back.  But he won’t be back until you no longer want to hear from him.  It’s a weird thing in life but somehow people can sense things in time and space – we’re all connected.  And as long as you’re trying to hang onto him in your mind he’ll keep running away from you.  The moment you truly let him go and have completely and finally moved on from him forever will be the moment he contacts you.  By then, I promise, you’ll be healed, whole, healthy, happy and have higher self-esteem than ever. 

Blessings.

Post # 145
Member
356 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Here’s a fun fact.  It takes men more time to get over someone then women.  Why? Because women like to let it all out, all at once. We cry ourselves to sleep everynight until we are done.  Men hold it in for a long time.  He is hurting too, but he choses to pretend like he isn’t.  The only way he can get over you is to be cruel and cold.  It’s sad really, but that’s his deal.

You WILL find someone again.  It may not be tomorrow, it may not be in a year, but prince charming will come find you.  Nothing is for chance.  I’m not sure if your religous, but God sometimes “hardens people’s hearts”, He hardened your ex’s heart, because God knew that you would never leave him if He didn’t.  This guy was not your soulmate.  But when you find him, you’ll know. 

Also, don’t worry about if he finds another girl.  A long time ago, I was desperately in love, and when we broke up I was heart broken.  He stated dating someone new, and I thought to myself, “So, its not that he doesn’t want a gf…he just didn’t want me”. It hurt so bad.  Then he knocked her up, and a few years later he dumped her.  I felt so sorry for this new girl.  And to tell you the truth, I wouldn’t wish him on my worst enemy. πŸ™‚ After the darkness, you’ll see the light.  You’ll think to yourself over the last two years about times when he was an asshole, and you just ignored it.

Good for you for getting out now!

Post # 146
Member
1377 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

“I will say he and his best friend seem to have an unusually close bond for heterosexual men, maybe they’re bi and discovered so on their camping trip.”

That’s been what I was thinking. Something similiar happened to me but on a MUCH smaller scale–we were only casually dating–and it turned out he was extremely confused about his sexuality.

On the subject of worrying that you won’t meet anyone else now that you are out of school, I remember feeling like that. I wasn’t fresh out of a breakup, but I had more or less deliberately stayed single throughout college and I had a period where I regretted not trying harder to find a relationship. I thought my window of opportunity was gone. However, both of my serious relationships ended up happening a few years out of school.

And while this website seems to skew heavily towards the younger demographic, I personally know very few people who have stayed with their college sweetheart. Most of my family and friends ended college relationships because they were growing in different directions and now are dating or married to people they met later on. It’s pretty rare to stay with the person you were dating in your early 20s.

I know that ending a relationship leaves a big hole, but being single is really fun. What have you been wanting to do that wasn’t a possibility when you were having to answer to someone else? Going dancing on a Saturday night? Going to grad school across the country? Moving to Europe? There was probably something you had to give up while you were in a serious relationship, but whatever it was, now is the perfect time to pursue it!

Post # 147
Member
6738 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

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@MissMelly:  Even if he comes back, there will be no recreating the love your family had for him.  It’s gone.  Even if he comes back, you take him back and forgive him, he has forever tainted everyone else’s opinion.  Rihanna may have taken back Chris Brown, but we all see him for who he truly is – an abusive asshole.  I know your relationship isn’t as extreme, but you’re the only one still blinded by love.  Everyone else has seen the light.  What was seen cannot be unseen.  If you want to recreate that, it will have to be with a new man. 

You will be okay again.  It will take time.  Your heart will heal.

My best advice for a break up is to work on yourself.  What have you not done for yourself or what have you skipped out on doing because you were in a relationship?  Take up a new hobby, try new things, meet new people, make new friends.

I spent about 2 weeks holed up in my room, moping around and crying over my failed relationship w/ my ex.  I think I needed that.  Take some time to be mopey and depressed, but then force yourself to go out.  As soon as I did, I stopped crying every night – then it was only every week, then every other week, then no more tears, just sad feelings.. and now, nothing.  I feel nothing.  It took some time, but I literally feel nothing for any ex I’ve ever dated, but especially my last one, the only one I can say actually had a real hold on my heart. 

It takes time.  But it will happen. 

Post # 148
Member
388 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I’m very sorry to hear your story and hope you are feeling a little better day by day. I am a firm believer in things happening for a reason and I hope this means there is someone even more fantastic around the corner that will make you realise he wasnt the one, or, he comes to his senses, realises how perfect you were, comes back and treats you like a princess. Either way I hope it all works out for you

Post # 149
Member
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

You didn’t do anything wrong. Honestly- it sounds like he cheated. Why else would he come back different. Your family will never forgive him for what he has done, and neither should you. 

Post # 150
Member
2808 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

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@MissMelly:  Minneapolis? You need to let me take you out for a glass of wine dearie πŸ™‚

Seriously though…Neo in the Matrix couldn’t have a dodged a bullet this big. I know it hurts now, but consider yourself lucky πŸ™‚ Hang in there!

Post # 151
Member
513 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

View original reply
@MissMelly:  First please accept a HUGE Virtual HUG…

Now down to business… πŸ™‚  I, like many others can relate to your post, but out of pain and heartache I learnt many things about other people, life and myself… the biggest of which was “Actions speak louder than words”….

This quote has served me well over the years.. IF ONLY we REALLY follow it.. You see someone can tell you 100 times an hour that they love you (and ohhh how they really really mean it) but if their actions do NOT match the words then they mean nothing… the problem for many of us is that we SO WANT to believe the words and not the actions that we get lost in all of the emotion and not the reality.  The truth is that this man did NOT love you… I know you will scream and tell me he did, he proposed to you he was so nice for 2 years etc etc etc… right??  well IF he HAD loved you like you think he loved you then you would STILL be together, becuase real true love NEVER treats the person they love the way he has…

STOP blaming yourself for HIS actions.. you could not control them or him, you do however control YOU and that means that it is a choice YOU now have to either hold onto something that was not real or let it go and find something that IS real by the way he ‘shows’ you. 

You say you always put him first, but what about him putting YOU first?? a relationship should be you BOTH putting each other first (something I had to learn the hard way!) but now after FINALLY learning all the things that many have suggested to you on here I found the MOST amazing man that does put me first as I him and ‘shows’ me he loves me not just tells me…

I hope you will not feel this way about someone again – because I hope that you will be able to learn from this experience and the next time you love someone you will feel soooo much better πŸ™‚

Hugs

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