(Closed) Update, the Wedding (and relationship) Is Off

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 19
Member
1397 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@MissMelly:  Either way, I’m convinced I won’t do better than him.


You’re already doing better than him by being alone. Someone who doesn’t want to work it out or put in any effort, who changes his story as he goes, who is this moody and unreliable with life choices is NOT worth all the good things you have to offer.

Repeat to youself until you believe it: It’s better to be single than in a miserable relationship.

I know it’s hard. I had a very long-term, serious relationship with someone who said loving, wonderful, adoring things to me… and towards the end became emotionally abusive, unreliable, moody, lazy, and generally just a lousy person. I cried for months. I went to therapy. I swore I’d be alone forever. Within a few months, though, I started dating. A few months after that, I found my now-fiance, who is a WAY better deal than that jerk I woulda married if he hadn’t done us the favor of showing his true colors.

It’s hard to believe now, but you’ll be okay some day. You need to be strong and happy on your own first, then you can try to date again. In the end, you can only depend on yourself, remember that. I love my fiance, but he might get hit my a truck tomorrow (GOD FORBID!), so I have to know that I can be on my own if I need to be. We all do. 

Good luck. Feel better soon.

Post # 20
Member
5950 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

Some other girl can have him, that is, if Big Ben there grants him permission, you well rid of that sack of crap.  Go get you hair done, buy some new shoes and walk tall!  Your on your way to the man who deserves you!

Post # 22
Member
42 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@MissMelly:  

They ALWAYS come back.  I stand by that statement, and I have lived it.  IDK, it’s like they have some kind of weird radar that tells them you are moving on, then they are all over you like white on rice.  You will get the opportunity to tell him to talk a long walk off a short pier.  I PROMISE.

And let some other girl have him, in the meantime.  Your new fabulous self does not put up with that anymore, nor does she care!!!  I know it makes you sick to your stomach to think about it right now, but she will be doing you a favor. 

You know, it’s whatever it takes to get through this.  That’s the only way you get to the other side, unfortunately.  And the sooner you get this process started, the sooner you can get it done and meet the great guy that’s waiting on you.

Post # 23
Member
5950 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

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@MissMelly:  I don’t know HOW, the point is that asshole status as been attained, and once a man goes asshole, there’s no bringing him back….it’s just like loaning a girlfriend a skirt, and she scores a one nighter with some marine biologist in it, you don’t want that thing back, it’s HERS now….your former Fiance belongs to Ben now, they’re assholes.

Post # 24
Member
2522 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I wasn’t engaged to a guy like that, but I did date a guy like that for a little less than the time you did. He told me we would get married, I was the love of his life, I was his best friend, etc.

Well, I went away for a few months to college, and he made these new friends. His new friends got to meet me once when I was visiting, and everything seemed great between me and my SO at the time. Then the next time I came to visit, he gave me this big box of presents. He then proceeded to break up with me! I didn’t understand it at all. The day before I was the love of his life?

Well, he passed away shortly after in a car accident. I found out afterward that the reason he broke up with me was because his new friends thought I was a bitch for whatever reason. However, after I spoke at the funeral, they saw how much I really cared for him and asked if we could be friends.

I have since forgiven them, but it definitely was a “WTF” situation. I realized that if my SO trusted those friends so easily over me, who he had been with for a while, then I didn’t want to be with him, anyway.

Post # 25
Member
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Oh man, I can relate to this…and I think a lot of ladies can. Things happen for a reason…maybe this was just not the man for you, remember you are young. There will be someone else that will see all the great qualities in you. This boy and yes BOY because a man does not do this. He needs a lot of growing up to do. The first months are the hardest, but just keep your head up and you will get thru this. And remember these little gremlins always come back so please do not fall into his BS if he ever does! I was living and had a child with a man that just said I’m going to Mexico for business and he came back 2 months later just to let me know he was moving there and he had someone else and practically left me on the street with my kid. (I wasn’t working at that time). So be strong please and don’t waste your tears on a boy that has a change of heart that quick. One day you will see that he was not worth your tears, time and energy….We all know you must have something better to talk about than this asshole! Laughing

Post # 26
Member
2852 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I was with a guy for 4 years on and off. I was always sure we’d get married and have kids. We talked about it all the time. BUT, he would suddenly “need space” and break things off saying things were “moving too fast” and he felt “in too deep” and he was in way over his head. 2 weeks later he’d be back vowing love and dedication and marriage and babies. Things would be great for months, then suddenly again he’d panic and break things off. Eventually it was too much for both of us and it ended – permanently. I know it’s not the same situation at all, but maybe he was agreeing to certain things because he knew it would make you happy? I think that’s what was happening in my relationship. I think he was saying what he thought he SHOULD say, what he thought was expected of him. Maybe your guy was going along with everything because he thought that was just the natural order of things, and while making you happy, he was making himself unhappy?
My only advice here is this: do not call, text, email, FB, or see him. Cut him out completely. Concentrate on yourself. Do things to make yourself happy. Do things to make you who YOU want to be. When you’re happy alone is when you’ll find your guy you can be happy together with.
2 months after finally ending things with my guy I decided to move 1300km away. I moved to a new town where I knew 2 people. 3 months after I moved to the new town I met my DH.

When I first made the cut with “other guy” there were days where I would lay on the floor curled into a ball just trying to hold myself together. 6 months later I was happier than I had ever been before in my entire life.
I hope you get your happy ending hon XOXOX

Post # 27
Member
467 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Echoing what a lot of other people have said, it’s okay to still love him. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be angry and despairing in waves.

My first relationship lasted 5 years and when it ended I literally thought I would never ever be whole again. Like I had lost my very best friend and no one could ever replace him. It took me a looooong time to get over him. Like 3 years. But, the thing is, I DID get over him. And I found someone who brings me so much more joy and happiness than I ever had before.

And, in the meantime, as @lanalnoco said, I got to know myself again and I learned that I would be okay on my own. You will too.

Definitely lean on your friends and find some sort of hobby or activity (kickboxing DOES seem like a good idea) to try and take your mind off things as best as you can. Your life will pick up again and one day you will realize how much better off you are. I promise.

I’m sending you tons of hugs and chocolate.

Post # 28
Member
5950 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

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@RexManningDay:  not on Rex Manning Day!  Love the name!

Post # 29
Member
3657 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

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@MissMelly: you said  “…how could he be a bad guy..is this something I pushed him into…?”

It’s his character, and that may be a lot of immaturity that you are seeing. I don’t know the guy, but looking at this objectively he may have had to (in his mind) inflate your “badness” in order to get up courage to break up with you. Hence the stony face.

I’m glad that you are getting lots of support. I hope that you can heal nd also, perhaps get some more experience with men and judging character. Your Fiance may well grow up later to be a better person, but let  him do that without kicking you again.  

Post # 30
Member
1377 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

“You ruined every day of my life by dating my best friend for two years too long”

Did he and his best friend have a little bit more than a bromance going on? And things finally happened on the camping trip?

That could certainly explain his sudden change of heart.

Either way, he’s an immature wimp who doesn’t deserve you at all.

Post # 31
Member
1715 posts
Bumble bee

I think you need to read this to yourself everyday until you feel better.

 

The topic ‘Update, the Wedding (and relationship) Is Off’ is closed to new replies.

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