(Closed) Update, the Wedding (and relationship) Is Off

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 332
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

This literally made me cry. ๐Ÿ™ I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through with this! And yet so completely moved and inspired by how strong you’re being. You didn’t lash out at him at all (I’d be calling him every horrible name under the sun if I were in your shoes!), you wrote this through hurt and anger and still stayed 100% respectful. This is the first post I’ve ever read by you, and I think you’re an amazing person.

 

Post # 334
Member
793 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@stardustintheeyes:  you were extremely judgemental in your post, throwing around what is irresponsible advice and what isn’t. again, i never said one person was completely at fault.  not sure where you’re getting that if you are in fact gathering that from something i said. 

also, don’t care what your opinion is or whether or not you agree with me.  i gave op information about a situation that i myself was in.  so did you.  i didn’t discredit your advice in any way as you did mine.  op can read all of the advice here and take away from it what she chooses.  i don’t think it’s very bee-like to discredit someone elses personal experience over what you think the right advice is.  as i said, op and i had been communicating via PM so not everything we have discussed is visible to everyone. 

@missmelly, I’m glad to see that you’re getting stronger and stronger.  there is a lot of great advice here, i told you that most every bee has been through this at one time or another.  every situation is different but the one constant is that it does get better and you do move on and you learn from your experience.  it will make your next relationship(in the future, no rush!) that much better.  more hugs!

Post # 335
Member
35 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2011

@MissMelly:  What you said in your last post is spectacular: “I am still in love with someone who is no longer there.” 

He doesn’t exist. Maybe he did at one time – but he is no longer there, and he hasn’t really (not really) been there for a while. The man you thought you were dating and about to marry was a weak man, an imposter.

Do you know why you had to push him to go to grad school? Do you know why he didn’t have the drive to do it himself? Because he is weak. He has no drive within himself. And he will cave to anyone, even his best friend. His best friend feeds on being able to manipulate people and he sees your ex-fiance as the perfect host to feed on. And no matter what you “think” you could have done to fix things, you couldn’t have made him into a good and decent man. Would a man of courage do this to you? Would you want the future father of your children to leave you like this?

Let me tell you something that you have probably heard before. But, it is better you found out who he really is NOW, before you were stuck in a marriage with him.

YOU ARE LUCKY. Feel that power. Put that power towards your recovery. There are a lot of girls that don’t get this chance in life to find out who their significant other REALLY is before they get married. You have been given an opportunity to find a true, honest, and strong man.

 

Post # 337
Member
4913 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@MissMelly:  I think you’re really starting to see all the negatives.  It’s hard, I know.  But you’ll see them and then move on.  I’m glad to see the progress you’re making! 

Post # 339
Member
715 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

((hugs))  Hang in there and keep your head up!  We’ve all been there and in the moment you can only focus on the bad and that you want to be with that person.  It happened to me in the past.  We were living together and had just moved to a new apt and literally 2 days later he said he didn’t want to be with me b/c I would never change.  At first I was in serious denial.. I even thought we could continue to live together as friends and I remember asking him for a HUG after we were done talking about breaking up!! A HUG!!!  geesh.. anyway, needless to say I smartened up a day later and asked him to be out by the weekend, he was.  About 2 weeks later he came crawling back.. leaving flowers, cards all kinds of crap at my doorstep.  I ignored him.  If he wanted me to change then he wasn’t for me.  BEST DECISION OF MY LIFE was moving on from him.  Although I was scared I’d end up alone forever and with no one to love me I ended up dating a few guys and then I met DH, the best man I’ve ever met for me!  If I’d gone back with that guy there’s a chance I wouldn’t have met my husband.  So although now it seems terrible and it’s heartbreaking, really, have faith that everything happens for a reason and you will be better off in the end! 

Post # 340
Member
4913 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@MissMelly:  You will not end up alone.  You might compare, it’s sort of inevitable to compare, but I think you will find a man that makes the comparison blow you out the water.  You will not end up alone.  It might break your heart when you first find out he’s dating someone, but I get the feeling in the end you will find yourself in a place just wishing for him to be happy.  My ex didn’t date anyone for 3 years after we broke up and just started dating someone recently.  My friend is FB friends with him and saw his relationship status change and when she told me, I felt this pang (even 3 years later!) and I couldn’t explain it.  And then I stopped and thought to myself how I wouldn’t have taken him back anyway, how I’m so happy with who I am with, how no girl will ever compare to me and I know it, and how he should find happiness one day, too.  I think you will feel similarly. 

Post # 341
Member
488 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@MissMelly:  I can’t contribute much more than what other posters have already said. I’ve been through the same thing with one of my exes. One day he just decided he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me anymore after going on a road trip with his best friend. I was crushed – and it hurt. A LOT. He came crawling back a few months later and we tried again but I just couldn’t get over the hurt. We ended things badly again and that was that.

In time I moved on. I dated others, made some mistakes, and grew as a person. Now I’m married to the most amazing man ever. I didn’t find him until I was 28. I have only seen said ex twice since we broke up, the second time being a few weeks ago. My best friend got married and he ended up DJing her wedding (he amounted to a lot in life I know) and you know what? I was so damn happy that I don’t have him in my life anymore. I am truly happy now and I love my husband with all my heart.

I ended up going up to him mid way through the night and told him that if one more person asks about how awkward it is that he is there I was going to lose it. We laughed and it was fine.

I am a big music person and I really like listening to f you songs to make me feel better… you should check these out… I really like them ๐Ÿ™‚

 

1.) Damien Rice – Rootless Tree

http://youtu.be/25cO4K4kHpE

2.) Calivin Harris – Sweet Nothing

http://youtu.be/17ozSeGw-fY

 

I have more if you are looking for a good playlist ๐Ÿ™‚

 

 

Post # 342
Member
552 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I listened to this song over and over again during my breakup – it’s a great song to just blast in your car while you’re driving. Even if you don’t necessarily like Ashley Tisdale – the words to this song are great!

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=6I7T1tbjjBc

 

Post # 343
Member
51 posts
Worker bee

I really hope things are getting better for you!

 I had a very bad break-up with my exboyfriend (completely out of no where) and I cried very often for about 1-2 months. After that I was still sad for a while and felt I would never find anyone like him, never think anyone compared, and slowly those feelings start to go away.  That was 4 years ago.  He now has an infant with hi g/f, and I have a wonderful man in my life- one of those everything happens for a reason thing. 

Try to keep yourself occupied and keep your head up!  Things will get better

Post # 344
Member
256 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Sweetie, I am so sorry that you are going through this. What makes you think you will never get anyone “better” than him? He has proven himself to be a heartless, immature, feminine hygiene product +bag. There are plenty of men out there that would give their left arm to have you. Now that the ex is gone, you’re open to a whole new world of partners that will treat you how you deserve to be treated.

it took me a long time to realize this myself. not too many years ago, I had a similar situation….. Camping trip and all! looking back on it, I thank his sleazy friends for encouraging him to break up with me. They did me a favor!

the crying doesn’t end overnight, but I promise it does end. A dartboard with the exs photo on it helps tremendously hehe.

 

take care of yourself ๐Ÿ™‚ 

Post # 345
Member
1733 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

To the OP:

I read your post last week and so badly wanted to respond, and never had the time to sit and write until now.

 

I feel like I could have written your original post 5 years ago. To a tee.

I dated a guy, let’s call him R, who I fell hard in love with. He was sweet, charming, funny, loving, had a great career and seemingly had it all. He shopped for sweet gifts at Tiffany’s, gave me a ring (not engagement thank god) and we constantly talked (he always brought it up) about marriage, children, how many we wanted and all that. I had told my family and friends that I could see us getting married and honestly –expected an engagement after about a year and a half together.

 

A few weeks went by where I felt like something was “off”. He wasn’t himself, our relationship was suffering and it didn’t seem to matter how I tried to reach out to him to talk that something felt strange.

One night, I dreamt that he broke up with me in a grocery store parking lot. And you know what? The next day – he did.

We went grocery shopping and me trying to get him out of his silent funk, told him about the dream. He didn’t say a word. We came out into the lot, and as we approached my car, he said “we need to talk”. As you can imagine, it was over. He came back to my parents place where I was living, we chatted some more (I cried like I’ve never cried before) and he left. The hurt is something I will never forget in my lifetime. I felt like I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t see.. my heart was torn in half and I was left alone. I felt SO ALONE. No one would ever love me again. No one would want me. I would never, ever want someone like I wanted him. I stood in the street crying hysterically, and remember feeling so helpless and hurt. I never knew a pain like that even existed.

 

I promised myself that I wouldn’t call or text him. I gave him the ring back when we broke up (he was almost as upset as I was) and about a week went by and he called and wanted to meet. He said he made a mistake. I stupidly went right back to him, was ecstatic. Life was good again…. for about a day. The same pattern of him closing up, not answering my calls, not being as “lovey” as he once was all started coming back. I knew that the pain and suffering I had been through just a week ago would be back again, and surprise surprise, it was.

 

I honestly can’t tell you how long I cried for, but it was probably a solid week. My parents would see me in the morning coming down the stairs crying. I’d sit at my desk at work with the door closed, crying. I’d cry on the way home from work, cry in my room. I was totally unable  to watch TV or listen to the radio. I’d drive to and from work with the AM station on which would be news and traffic on repeat only. Music would bring on more tears and heartache. Honestly – I didn’t think it was possible for a heart to ache that long, that hard – ever.

 

After a couple weeks, I read the book “It’s a Break up because it’s Broken”… and I kid you not, I laughed, I cried and as soon as I read the last page, it’s like that weight had lifted. That book has since been passed to my sisters, my best friends and never made it home-  and every single person who read it said it helped them move forward, so… I highly recommend that. LOL. Seriously. If you don’t think a book can change anything, humor me… because this one truly did help me.

 

I started going out with friends to bars and clubs, and the first time I did – I cried. A guy looked at me and smiled and I was SO not ready to be single/mingling again I just cried. I decided to take more time for myself and not go back out again until I was ready. It took about 2 months but then I had gone from upset and hurt to ANGRY and then happy/thankful that it was over. I was able to turn on music, I downloaded my favorite “F you” songs and belted them out like no one was watching LOL.  I was able to see that it was never going to work, he wasn’t the person I thought he was and that I was going to be okay.

 

Sure, I had my own pity parties… a LOT. I thought I’d be single forever, never get married all that. Well, that was just me feeling sorry for myself.

 

Break up happened in late Aug. In January I got a facebook message from a guy I went to high school with (and had THE biggest crush on!) asking how I was. Our sisters are friends, and were forever trying to hook us up, but we were always dating other people. I responded with a polite message back, and he suggested we “catch up” over drinks and dinner. Little did I know, that he had always had a crush on me, and that our first date out, one night in January, would be the first of many wonderful dates. We were engaged the following year, and have been so happily married now for a year and a half.

 

My life without him would never be the same – life with the ex –HA! I can’t even fathom the thought. I actually can’t even believe that I thought he could have been  “the one”. No chance.

 

The world works in mysterious ways, and honestly , I always believe that everything happens or a reason. Good and bad. It’s hard to see or believe at the time, but looking back – it was oh-so-true. I married the man of my dreams (literally LOL) and I’d relive that pain and heartache a million times over if I knew that in the end, I’d be with my husband.

 

Hang in there sweetie. And if today you were able to get up and not cry for the first time, that’s a HUGE step. Soon, you’ll make it through an entire day. Then two days, then 3, then weeks will go by and the pain will fade and you’ll realize you haven’t thought about him or your break up for a few minutes, or hours, or maybe even days.

 

It does get easier. In the long run, someone has a better plan for you, you just have to wait and see where life takes you. You WILL find someone better, you’ll love them more than life itself, and they’ll worship every step you take.

 

*hugs*

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