(Closed) Update, the Wedding (and relationship) Is Off

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 407
Member
167 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

Just come back to this thread to see how you are going. Deleted an email without opening it? Gosh that’s such a huge step from where you were! You go girl!

So pleased that you are starting to see that even though you had sone great times with this guy  that he also was a jerk! I’m terrible saying any of my exs are bad people/jerks because obviously there was things I liked about them so I like to look at it like we are both ok people, who either brought out the worst in each other, made mistakes or just weren’t meant to be. My ex cheated on me and I have made peace with it. He isn’t a bad person, but he did fuck up and hurt me – and I don’t want to be with someone who makes mistakes like that. Remember that if he comes crawling back – just because you had good sex, great fun, whatever doesn’t mean he is the right one. You will find someone who matches you better!

Oh and the email after the facebook photo made me laugh – he’s so moved on aparently but worries what you might think? Pffff this is the time you take the power back and not care. I really really really wish I had taken the high road and just ignored my ex when he first left. Instead I groveled, called, sent emails, begged him to come back and I’m so much better than that! So are you! Being single is awesome btw, write a huge list of things you like doing tbat he didn’t like and do them all! Girl power! :p

 

Post # 408
Member
5656 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2012

I’ve been where you are. Trust me, the day will come when you will forget about him and be able to love someone else with your whole heart. 🙂

Post # 409
Member
1434 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

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@MissMelly:  

There’s no way in hell he can be the great man she says, but do to her what he did, and she needs to see that it was all a facade. He is NOT that great wonderful person he sold himself as. He is that beautiful new car with zero miles on it that the salesman never told you had sat on the car lot for days underneath Katrina flood waters.  

I read this every day.

Awesome. I’m glad because I went through what you did and I’m telling you, it’s a fake and a facade. He’s an asshole, plain and simple. He’s got rust on his axle, but others can’t see it because it’s beneath the frame. You know what’s wrong with him because you had him, but a new person won’t. She’ll have to learn the hard way that he’s no frigging good.

I would like for you to start telling yourself that you can have better and you will have better. Like another person said, you already got better by being alone. Being alone is better than being with someone who can drop you on a dime. 

I’m so proud of you about that email, too. Good job. You are worth so much more than to get stuck with a man like him. You’re too smart, sweet and generous to fall for his crap and have him suck your light out of you. You seem stronger and that’s the best revenge, surviving and living well — as if he was never in your life. 

 

 

Post # 410
Member
1434 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

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@cmbr:  

In my situation it was only about a month or two later.

But sweetie, I wouldn’t be holding out hope for this, and really try not to even think about it. I know what it’s like to feel like you knew someone and they changed — you feel like the person you knew and loved will come back.

You deserve SO much better than how you were treated by your ex. Seriously. Even if he came crawling back, you would spend the rest of your life wondering how long you had before he turned into another person again.

You are right and it will happen. The majority of the time, the men have not fixed what was broken within themselves when they come back. They just come back for the same reason that OP wants him to come back–fear of the unknown.

They do it out of fear of being alone, lonilness or being with some other woman who wasn’t good enough. They experience these things and want to go running back to the comfort of the EX that they dumped, but once they get back with the EX, the same problems that they had before will reoccur because the guy didn’t do any introspection or work on himself.

It takes my exes an average of a year to a year and a half to come back. And when they come back, it’s all great for the “honeymoon” phase. Then they slip back into old patterns. Mine usually had to do with cheating. 

So, IF OP, you ever do get to a point where he wants back in, let me advise you–there are some hoops and rings of fire he needs to jump through to prove he deserves a second chance, because right now, he’s not even at “zero” like strangers. He’s actually at a negative. Maybe -100 in my books. So that means, he has to make up all it takes just to get back to ground zero with you. Do NOT make the mistake of letting him back into your life with the same rights and privilages. Doing so will only make him take you for granted again.

At this point, I should be able to have more of a shot at you than he does, and I am a heterosexual WOMAN! LOL You understand what I mean? So until he can prove himself to you, he has a big old Negative sign on his chest.

A complete stranger should have a better shot at you than he does because the stranger has never hurt you, jilted you, or broke your trust. Remember that when you meet a new man, too, okay?

Let me clarify. I agree with the other poster that you SHOULD NOT bank on him returning. But if he does, please follow my advise and make it the hardest pussy he’s ever worked for in his LIFE!

Post # 411
Member
170 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I read through so many of these because I feel your pain so strongly. First off, I wanted to tell you the usual, that things will of course get better. Especially in response to your worries that you will never feel the same way in a relationship again. In my situation, I dated a guy in high school/college that I was absolutely, totally, in love with. Well, he dumped me not once, not twice, but three times, and I crawled back to him every freaking time. I feel so stupid about it now because I let him walk all over me. You’re already stronger than I was by deleting that email and ignoring him. Well, in the summer of 09, I was with that ex after the third time we had gotten back together, still convinced we were meant to be together. Then I met my fiance, and it wasn’t until I fell in love with him that I realized how shitty I had been treated that whole time by my ex, and I dumped him. And all of those feelings that I had with my ex that you are worried about (the strong, passionate love, the devotion, the cuddles) I now have with my fiance X a million. And we have all the trust in the world with each other, which is awesome! (I hate that nagging feeling that something is wrong with your SO that they won’t tell you; I had that every time before I got dumped by my ex. It’s like a girl’s intuition.)

So my point with that was, I had the exact same worries every time I got dumped, but it was SO worth it in the end. Now for my advice, which you are probably already taking. Get out, work out, give yourself a makeover, buy new clothes, whatever. It made me feel so much better to do that. Have single fun with your friends! And soon, when you are ready, or perhaps when you are least expecting it, that love-of-your life will come around. 

And lastly, here is a song that I played for my friend when she went through a breakup. It’s so beautiful. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QKWvUJII0lo

Good luck with everything! Stay strong and positive!

Post # 412
Member
6739 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

Hope you’re doing well today, OP!

Have you been going out, trying new things, trying to keep your mind off things, etc?

Post # 414
Member
44 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Miss Melly, it kills me that you are hurting this much and it takes me back about 9 years.  Time heals all  wounds….YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS.  Trust me.  I dated a man I thought I was going to marry for 5 years and he broke it off without warning.  I was so completely devastated. I thought it was me, that it was my problem, that i had done something wrong. I actually committed another 2 years of not dating anyone because we stayed in contact, and I thought that equaled hope.  Even after I started dating again, I would never give anyone a real chance because they were not him.  I passed up soooo many great men because of him. Now here I am, engaged to my best friend, wondering why I ever spent time crying over that idiot.  He has actually tried to get ahold of me recently through Facebook messaging and he is unhappy, and he apologized for the way he had treated me.   I of course told him to get bent and never contact me again lol.  My point is, someday you will meet the man of your dreams and it will be more than just a physical/sexual attraction.  You will have TRUST AND HONESTY and someone who would never even think about hurting you!  Just give it time.  

Post # 415
Member
624 posts
Busy bee

You poor thing xxx. But I can promise you that you will move on and be happy and loved again.  I am an encore bride and old enough to be your mum (just :)!!) and I have been through what you are feeling more than once. The first time I thought the world had ended and I would be the exception that never moved on but I did and went on to marry and have kids. Twenty years later I met up with him and realised we would never have been happy together, we simply weren’t compatible. I have since been through a divorce but this early experience showed me that I CAN survive no matter how impossible it seems at the time and that WHATEVER DOESN’T KILL US MAKES US STRONGER!!  I am now engaged to an amazing man and am happier than I have ever ever been.  Just know it WILL happen for you and just keep coming on here for support cos we know how hard your journey will be, you make steps forward but sometimes they are backward steps too – big big hugs xx

Post # 416
Member
1058 posts
Bumble bee

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@MissMelly:  Just wanted to say am sending more good vibes your way. Great job deleting that email – such strength in some of the bees is why I keep coming back to WB – I feel like I can draw on it, and it inspires me, if that makes sense. Crossing my fingers that the days get easier for you!

Post # 417
Member
6739 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

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@MissMelly:  Focusing on yourself is the perfect thing to be doing right now.  There will be good days and bad days and the bad days will start to get far and few between.  It’s normal.  It will go away.  Because that’s just how life works.  And one day, even if you never find this out and he never confesses it to you, he will see that he lost the best thing he ever had.  He might find another girl, he might move on and be with someone else, but he’ll know and always regret what he did to you and what he’s missing out on. And you’ll know that you’re not missing out on all that much. 

Post # 419
Member
9970 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@MissMelly:  So sorry to hear that, dear.  The thing about grief is, it comes in waves.  Some days you’ll feel strong and more “up” and other days will be tougher.  It’s a healing process.  I think you’re doing very well!!

Did anything happen to upset you?  Or just missing him still?  (Which is normal, regardless of how it ended).

((HUGS))

Post # 420
Member
6739 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

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@MissMelly:  🙁 sorry hun.  You should treat yourself to something nice today.  Today, I’m treating myself to a starbucks black tea soy latte with 2 splendas.  It’s delicious, not too fattening, and my new favorite drink.  I’ve been working a lot of extra shifts (nights and weekends) and I think I deserve something to make my day better (starbucks is seriously overpriced so I only get it for myself as a treat-I’m not a typical NYer who gets it every morning!).  Maybe you should go get yourself a mani/pedi and relax for a little?

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