(Closed) Update, the Wedding (and relationship) Is Off

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
1630 posts
Bumble bee

When my high school sweetheart dumped me when we were 19, my best friend gave me this advice…

“Never look back. Walk tall. Act fine.”

It from David Bowie’s song Golden Years.

I’ll tell you what though, it was the best advice. I don’t know what it was about it, but I did do JUST that. I never looked back. I did walk tall and I acted like I was fine and before I knew it, I was.

Time heals all, my friend. Pretty much everyone in this world expereinces break-up pain. And 99% of those people end up doing just fine and finding a love they deserve!

So keep your chin up and live you life, you’ll be just fine! I promise!

Post # 33
Member
467 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

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@Nona99:  Ha! Thanks! What’s with today, today, eh?

Post # 35
Member
2780 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@MissMelly:  That is terrible. It was a horrible thing for him to do, he is very immature to blame you and refuse to give you answers. It may not seem like it now, but it will get better, this is for the best.

Post # 36
Member
1297 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Wow… just wow. I am so, so sorry. No, you didn’t do anything to deserve this. No, it is NOT okay to break up with someone in the manner that your ex did (shady? dodgy? being rude? yikes). I think everyone has given excellent advice. I really like how JemmyGee and HelleCat put it. Sometimes you just have to act fine until you are fine. When you start to slide back, you just have to pick yourself back up.

((HUGS)) and remember there is a big, beautiful life waiting for you out there.

Post # 37
Member
2912 posts
Sugar bee

I am so, SO sorry that you’re going through this. The way he handled things is rotten. I think the best thing you can do at this point is create a new, busy life for yourself (not too busy, don’t get exhausted, but make sure you have stuff to do with fun people you enjoy) and tell yourself, repeatedly, that it is over. I really think you’d benefit from avoiding all contact with him for as long as possible. Something is clearly wrong in his head and even though it doesn’t feel like it now, it’s totally possible that he did you a huge favor by ending things now (though it would have been nice if he could have done it differently.)

Post # 38
Member
1434 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

Wow,

Before I read a single response, I just wanted to say you WILL find someone better. You don’t think so, but this wedding bee board is living proof that you CAN find a man who will do you 100 times better than that!

Second, it was ony 2 years. I know if you’re young, it seems like a life time. I would NEVER have considered marrying someone at 2 years. 4 maybe, but not 2. He’s gonna be very sorry he did this. The only thing I can think of is that it was another woman.(ETA, I guess it was another man, Isaac.)

Let him go, give yourself time to heal, and you most certainly will find someone else. In my life, I had two 4 year relationships I thought I’d never get over, and then I have a 9 year one where I finally got engaged. I thought I’d never get over or do better than each man, but guess what? I can’t possibly do better than my fiance–unless we break up. If we break up, then hell yeah, I can find someone and do better. Better is the man who won’t walk out on you. Better is the man who won’t chuck all the blame on you.

 

Something tells me that after he’s done partying, he will be coming back around. Maybe in a year or two.  Maybe you’ll be available, maybe you wont. My exes always came back, but then we fell apart again 6months later. So reconcile at your own risk.

 

Post # 39
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

Wow, what a dick! Seriously. It’s blowing my mind.

But I tell you what I think it is (and PPs have brought this up; I think they’re right):

He went on an extended stag party, and the “boys” convinced him that he was too young to get married, and why would he want an old ball and chain, and do you really want to be with the same woman the rest of your life when there’s all this hot tail walking around for the taking?

These things are all ridiculous and untrue. But generally guys don’t start realizing that until they’re about 25 or so. There are a rare few who get it before then, but it’s really rare and far between.

He got scared, and he wasn’t man enough to admit he was afraid, or that maybe he had moved too fast or made a mistake. So he started telling his dumbass friends about all the things that were wrong with YOU. Dumbass friends, not wanting to lose him to a 23-year-old guy’s idea of what marriage is, backed him up, saying you were all the things he said you were. And OP, he may have even told lies about you to them.

So then he shows up and is an asshole to you, because when you’re male and 23, it’s really easy to mix up confidence and assholery. He might have even heard enough back-and-forth BS from his “bros” to have convinced himself that it really was your fault. The worst part is that he was disrespectful of your parents. That’s LOW. There were plenty of ways to accomplish what he wanted to accomplish without doing that, but that would require him to actually man up, and there apparently wasn’t enough man in him for him to muster up. So he took the coward’s way out and was mean.

His friend then said he would “destroy you online.” WTF does that even MEAN? Does that mean he’s going to give 4chan your address? Is he going to tell his World of Warcraft guild that you’re a slut? That’s the most ridiculous threat I’ve ever heard. “Hey, I am going to do you harm, but I don’t have the balls to do it without the shroud of anonymity the internet offers.” What a tool. If it were me, I’d call his bluff just for fun, and not only that, but I’d screenshot the image of his texts and post it to Facebook. LOLs go both ways.

But–after all this, you still miss the guy. That sucks, because PP are right–he will get lonely, especially when the dickless friends of his start pairing off and he’s alone. He will come sniffing around with his tail between his legs, looking for a warm place to put it for the night. DON’T GIVE IN. If you do, you only reinforce his horrible behavior, and worse, you’ll be dishonoring your parents.  Let him suffer like you’ve suffered, because that’s the only way he will learn. And then, if in at least five years, you have reason to believe his balls have dropped, you might be able to give him another chance. But make him EARN it with every ounce of energy he possesses. Then tell him no and make him do it again. What you choose to do after that is up to you, but it’s my belief that if you keep him at bay until you’re 100% over him, the next time you see him you’ll be with someone much better, and he’ll get to drive home with tears in his eyes, and Adele’s “Someone Like You” on his stereo.

Alone.

 

Post # 40
Member
429 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I know it’s hard.  It will hurt.  It will be difficult not to try to call.  But give him space.  Not to say that he will miss you and come back, but to show maturity and let him see that you are more responsible and are taking the right path.  By calling, emailing, checking up on him you are sending the message that  you are uncontollable and can’t even keep your own self from doing things that he has asked you not to do.  I tell you, my Fiance had an experience with an ex where it seemed that she was obsessing over him, don’t let yourself turn into “that girl.”  Stay strong, be careful and know that there are a ton that feel for you and want you to thrive and we are all part of that group.  Chin up, walk straight.  Something better is around the corner.

Post # 43
Member
340 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

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@MissMelly:  I have been there. With someone for 2 1/2 years and one day he comes over, starts crying and keeps saying “I’m sorry” and leaves. It was so unexpected that I cried constantly, couldn’t eat, got sick to the point that my mother took me to the hospital 4 days later for dehydration because I physically couldn’t get out of bed. Imagine that for humiliation.

Long story short. Women seem to grieve HARD & fast. Men are the opposite. While you can’t imagine life without him and you’re so so heartbroken.. you will get through this faster than you think. And I 100% guarantee that he will realize too late. Every. Single. One. of my exes have came back for me. And each time, I have always been long gone.

Whatever the reason is, do not focus on that. He took himself out of your life and that’s okay. Something better will come along and you deserve to be happy. One day this will all make perfect sense. In the meantime, allow yourself to grieve, cry it all out, and listen to Alanis Morrisette. 🙂

 

 

Post # 44
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

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@MissMelly:  That’s your problem, you’re putting him first. You need to be putting YOU first. If you don’t think you’re good enough for him, then MAKE yourself good enough for him–then find someone better.

Post # 45
Member
1434 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

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@MissMelly:  

Yet my mind still wanders, some other girl will get to have him.

Two weeks after he dumped me, I found out his best friend was telling people I and my family were crazy. So I called him begging him to stop and asking I thought you were my friend? His exact text message to me: “You ruined every day of my life by dating my best friend for two years too long”. When I asked him to stop, he threatened “I will destroy you online if you tell anyone”. It was truly, bizarre. he had and I had been friends, I thought.



That’s some immature crap right there. Divorce yourself from it. DO NOT talk to that man anymore. And yes, some other girl WILL get to have your ex. Good luck and good riddence.

I’m a spiritual person and I said something like that to God. I told God that it was unfair that my ex would go on and have a wonderful relationship and marriage after what he’d done to me. The response from God was clearly that there was no way he’d give a good woman to a man who doesn’t deserve her and that included me.

So Yeah, your ex will get in another relationship. But he’ll be miserable. He’s a miserable person, and until he learns how to treat and woman and be a committed adult, no, he will not have a meanful relationship.

Forgive him for what he’s done and stop thinking about him. You gotta work on healing and moving on. Put that relationship into its true perspective, because being long-distance, it might not have been “as great” as you think. And if his best friend is a miserable cheat, I hate to say it, but…..Stupid is as stupid does.

Post # 46
Member
1434 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

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@lanalnoco:  You’re already doing better than him by being alone.


Sheer brillance! Resounding truth!

 

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