(Closed) Update, the Wedding (and relationship) Is Off

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 497
Member
336 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

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@ellebeerob:  + 1,000,000

Seriously, you just summed it up. Perfectly.

Post # 499
Member
3551 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

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@MissMelly:  Wow, that is really immature of him. If he can’t learn to communicate with the person he is supposed to love best in the world he does not have a happy future. Don’t let him throw it back on you he’s STILL trying to manipulate you. He is the one who needs to do some self reflection.

Hang in there, one day your life is going to be so much better without him.

Post # 500
Member
2203 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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@MissMelly:  wowwwww. you are so lucky to be done with him! i don’t understand how he turned this around on you like this. that’s one reason why i blocked my ex on facebook. he actually did send me quite a few emails later on about how it was my fault that he cheated, etc. he sent one email saying “i’m so sorry, i’d really like to make it up to you.” and i said “well, i think it’s a little late for that.” and all of a sudden he sent me an email “never contact me again” as if I had been the one to email him in the first place! these guys are just delusional. just be happy that he blocked you since now he can’t see your stuff either, which is quite liberating.

okay so on to what happened on the camping trip…. if one single conversation was enough to make him doubt your entire relationship, is he really someone that you want back?  is that who you would want to marry?  so what if he felt pressured into proposing. i think a lot of guys drag their feet (i know my Fiance did!) and he now says that he was really glad i gave him the push.  he has never doubted our relationship or said that getting engaged was the wrong thing to do, even though i definitely was a nagger.  i have heard tons of his friends joke about how it’s such a big step, etc etc, and he always laughs with them and is still the same person-loving me every day.

i think that it’s a really good thing that you got some perspective on what went down.  what if one of your friends had the same conversation with you… would you have changed your mind about marrying him? would you have turned into a totally different person? i’m positive that you wouldn’t have. and you will find someone else who won’t change their mind about you either.

Post # 501
Member
521 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012 - Salvage One, Chicago

Ugh, what a douchebag.  

Post # 502
Member
521 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012 - Salvage One, Chicago

ALSO- this behavior must be in the douche handbook.  

I dated a guy and then he passively dumped me.  I was in love with him but he wasn’t that into me, apparently.  He moved on, he was dating someone else but would still text me, and while I was single, I would text back, holding on to some hope.  As soon as I started dating FH I stopped responding to his texts and told him I was in a relationship, not interested, but would still get them all the time.  

After MONTHS of ignoring him he sends, “why don’t you talk to me anymore? get over yourself”  I state again that I’m in a relationship and say “Maybe you should get over me, too” and he LOSES IT and goes crazy with hateful, nasty texts about how I’m wrong, horrible, etc.

These guys a) hate to be the one rejected and b) always feel they need the last word.  it’s infuriating, but silence is the best weapon against this kind of crazy.  Don’t feed the animals, you know?

Post # 503
Member
345 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

So Sorry that you have had to go through all of that, time really is a great healer, and it will take time for you to get over this, move on and realise that you deserve better.

In my experience when it’s the guys fault they will lay the blame on the woman and put her at fault in the relationship to make themselves feel better, they will continually lie to themselves and in the end believe their own lies, I’ve seen guys do this to friends and family of mine and also had it done to myself, it’s a cop out, they are too chicken to admit if they have done something or just don’t want to be tied down right now. Now I can tell you that not all guys are like that, and you will meet someone in the future that is wholly deserving of you!

Just take one day at a time, continue with your counselling and keep talking to people, Keep a notebook and pen by your bed, so if you wake up upset you canwrite down how you feel, just to get it out of your system for that moment. 

There will come a time where you will be so glad that he is out of your life, but that won’t happen over night 

Post # 504
Member
245 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

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@MissMelly:  Is it possible that you responded to his message because you were still hoping to keep the lines of communication open? He is only going pile on more hurt. He just did, in fact. He is not going to realise the error of his ways and repent. But he will keep manipulating you, hurting you, and taking the power away from you if you open yourself up to it.

 

You need to block him first… ignore him first… tell him to f*ck off first. Get mad. Refer to him as the a*shole from now on (to yourself and with other people). Keep the power on YOUR side. Don’t even give him a chance to do this to you again! And don’t let him see you upset. Show him you have moved on (even if you don’t feel it yet).

 

(hugs)

Post # 505
Member
245 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

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@MissMelly:  If you happen to see/speak to him again. Stay calm and tell him with a serene smile on your face that you are glad it ended because you realised you have dodged a MAJOR bullet and you look forward to meeting someone better. Then walk away. If he tries to respond tell him to get a life and stop obsessing over you.

 

I don’t even know if that’s good advice. I’m just so mad at your effing ex right now. I would say this if it were me!

Post # 506
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@MissMelly:  NO NOT MESSAGE HIM. I don’t care if it’s to say “I don’t want to talk” or “thank you for respecting my wishes” because it tells him that you are still thinking about him and that he still has the power. 

Now HE has blocked YOU. Now HE still has the power. If he really cared about you he wouldn’t be poking and proding at you like this.

Do you see how he is turning this all onto you? Stop letting him do that! He is still manipulating you and not only did he rip out your heart but now he’s trying to turn you into the bad guy. What a dick!! 

In one weekend he decided not to be with you because of some bad points about the relationship (every relationship has bad points, it’s about the good outwaying the bad). That is not ok! He didn’t even want to talk to you about it. He didn’t value the relationship or you enough to want to try and work it out. 

Post # 508
Member
3551 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

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@MissMelly:  I cannot let this guy tell me I am a bad person, or make me feel like one.

This is so so important. I learned not to let others define me in different yet also horrible situation. I lived with my bestfriend for 3 years of college. In our final year she invited another girl to live with us. That girl had many social and mental problems and chose to take them out on me. My friend, who I shared a bedroom with, sided with her. I endured 3 solid months of the silent treatment from both of them until school was over and I could move out. It sucked so much to be ostracized in my own home like that, but I learned no matter what nasty names I was called or how often I was told I was a horrible person that didn’t make those things true. If I listened to this crazy girl’s opinon of me I would never be happy with myself. I learned that I define who and what I am; no one else can do that. I think I am a strong, intelligent person who does their best to be kind, so that’s what I am. I will not let anyone make me think differently.

Never let someone who has a problem with you define who you are. You define yourself, so define yourself in a way that makes you happy and proud of what you are.

Post # 509
Member
853 posts
Busy bee

I have been reading this thread a long time and prob read about every post since its inception. But that message he sent is the catalyst for me posting. How totally rude and manipulative. Do not believe what he is trying to tell you, Miss Melly. While I did not go through quite the same thing, I did have a horrible ex do a 180 on me and completely change when I found out about his cheating ways. He said the most hurtful things to justify his behaviour and I believed him back then. I don’t anymore but you know what – even if I was a horrible person and he was a good guy, he would have never said all those incorrigible things to me if he respected me or our former relationship in the least bit or if he was a REAL man. He could have pointed out my flaws if he so chose but not verbally crucify me and essentially blame me for his actions and that’s the point here. He’s just trying to manipulate you and assuage his guilt. To begin with, your ex needs to grow the hell up and take ownership for his actions. He also needs to act like a real man and realize playing the blame game and trying to be a hurtful jerk is beyond childish and immature.

Conversely, and I mean everything I am about to say to you in the nicest way possible as I wish someone told me these things 5 years ago as a naive teenager – BUT please try to limit any information about him or your relationship/break-up on FB. It doesn’t really help matters and as you can see, he will use it to back up his claim about all your supposed faults. That still doesn’t make it true but try to give him as little ammo as possible for his childish games. Also, ignoring anything to do with the break-up on FB would at least allow you to appear to no longer be dwelling on it and you can bet some of his mutual friends will let him know about anything you post that relates to him. Also, never respond to him. I actually got upset when I saw you replied to his message because it gave the power back to him as Tickles said. Even if you ignore him going forward, he’s going to think he got his own back so to speak and feel good about the fact that he was the one to block you. You can’t change the fact that you replied but in future, do not EVER reply to his nonsense.

As for your future love life, you WILL find someone better and someone who is worth it. I can’t tell you when but it will happen and when it does, you will be so grateful for this dark valley that you are walking through right now. There’s a great man out there waiting on top of a mountain for you and it’s gonna take some time and effort but you will find him…so just keep walking and pushing forward. Remember, every day you choose to focus on the person who is not for you, is one day longer until you meet the person who is. Good luck girl. You’ll make it through.

Post # 511
Member
3680 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

ANY TIME YOU THINK ABOUT HOW YOU MISS HIM OR WONDER IF HE WILL COME BACK OR WONDER IF HE WILL CHANGE OR WONDER IF YOU WOULD TAKE HIM BACK…

READ. THAT. MESSAGE. AGAIN.

Seriously, I think that message was one of the greatest things he could have done for you, because every time you read it, you will remember what an ASS your ex-FI is and how you deserve SO MUCH BETTER.

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