(Closed) Update, the Wedding (and relationship) Is Off

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 527
Member
688 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

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@MissMelly:  I’ve been reading all your posts and I wanted to say you aren’t alone. It hurts like hell and sometimes it feels like you’ll never be you again, but you WILL. My ex was a charmer too, treated me like gold one day then the next would drop me like I never existed. Once he was sick and I dropped by to check on him and he literally crawled through his window and drove off with a friend so he could go “be single”. Then when he was tired of that scene he would come back and he would never do that to hurt me. Like an IDIOT I believed him but he never changed. He would always flip back and forth. You are doing yourself a big huge favor by leaving him alone. By The Way, once we broke up for good, I started dating other guys and when he found that out it drove him crazy! Calling, texting, dropping by my work, he even FB’d my whole family to tell them how sorry he was. I always just ignored him.

I have been with my SO for over 3 years now and he’s the best! We’ve never broken up and we work through our issues. Things will get better for you in time. Good luck and stay strong! 

Post # 528
Member
6738 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

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@MissMelly:  You weren’t “stressful” – and honestly, if he can’t handle the person you are and this is how he reacts, then you two aren’t meant to be together.  You shouldn’t have to change the person you are because he isn’t man enough to handle it.  Perhaps he will be great to another girl, a girl who doesn’t say anything to him, question him, or push him to be a better person.  Maybe that’s what he needs – but you’re not that girl.  And what you need is a guy who will APPRECIATE what you do for him and not make you feel bad for that. 

And fwiw, I’m also in the camp that thinks he’s not worth taking back.  There are nice, funny guys who are charming who won’t abandon you and walk out on you because they can’t handle life – they will, instead, tell you that they’re stressed and pressured and ask you to back off a bit and help them work things out.

To me – what I want in life is a partner.  Someone who discusses life decisions with me, supports me in mine, and I support in his.  I’m not one of those girls who can just sit back and enjoy the ride.  I assume you’re similar to me and I can’t imagine that you would be happy with a guy who just settled for something less than what he was capable of doing.  And you shouldn’t settle for someone who doesn’t appreciate what you do for him. 

Post # 529
Member
9957 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@MissMelly:  I think you hit the nail on the head, that in a sense your relationship was a sham – certainly not on your part because your feelings were genuine.  But he doesn’t seem capable of truly loving someone in the way you loved him.  If he could have loved you he would never have resorted to such a cruel way of ending your relationship.  That is no reflection on you, but only on him.

I know it’s heartbreaking to think that he’s moved on (chances are, though, that he really hasn’t but is just bluffing) and will charm some new girl.  He may charm someone new but always remember this – He did love you to the best of his ability and he did propose to you and give you an engagement ring.  It’s pure b.s. that you somehow coerced or forced him into that, what a cop-out for him to even say that.  He is a grown man and he proposed on his own with nobody twisting his arm.

My guess is that you will move on, for real, find your true soulmate – a kind and really loving man – build a life with him and forget all about this guy. 

And he will forever have to live with the fact that he ruined the most wonderful thing he ever had in his life.  He may be able to charm some new girl.  But think of this – she won’t be YOU.  And YOU are fabulous, beautiful, talented and wonderful.  This is HIS LOSS.

He’s going to regret what he’s done, but by then it will be too late for him to ever get you back.

Keep on as you are, handling this with dignity and grace.  I’m so proud of you!

Post # 533
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@MissMelly:  Ok, let’s look at this practically:

Let’s say he does mature and that he does find someone else to be with. This is not the end of the world! Why? Because you don’t have time to wait around for him! Who knows how long it will take or if he ever will change? You don’t! And, that girl will never have experienced what he did to you, so her “version” of him will be completely different to your “version” of him should you ever take him back. If you take him back it will never be as good as it once was. Do not settle!

AND even if he did change and came crawling back, there is no way that you could or should ever, EVER forgive what he did to you. The way you see him will always be tarnished.

But let’s say for arguments sake that you do make a stupid choice and forgive him, fine. Do you think that your family ever will? HELL NO! They will always remember how he crushed you, how he insulted them and manipulated you. Goodbye sweet family Christmases, goodbye lovely visits to the Grandparent’s house, goodbye drinks with old friends. You would be left with a less than awesome relationship and little to no support from anyone else. Is he really worth choosing over everyone you love? Everyone who has supported you through this?

And in the back of your head there will always be doubt and fear, doubt that he really has changed and fear that the minute you ask him to step up (be a good father, look after the kids, take them for a night so that you can go out etc) – he’ll leave. Just like you have fear and doubt now about whether you should take him back, you’ll have fear and doubt forever about whether you can really trust him.

Post # 534
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@MissMelly:  Do you really believe him to defend himself? You don’t ask a murderer if they killed someone and then believe them when they say No do you?

ALL of your family, ALL of your friends and most of HIS friends have supported you. They have told you that he is an asshole. We, the objective Bees have told you that he is, and is continuing to be an asshole. 

Are you really going to believe him over everyone else?!

Not only did he break your heart but he is still being awful. He hasn’t stopped with the bad behaviour. 

You can’t trust him! The trust is gone! He chose his dropkick friend over a future and marriage with you. He changed his mind in one weekend. He didn’t talk to you, he didn’t try to work it out, he insulted your family and he is still turning the knife in your back. 

Post # 536
Member
924 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

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@MissMelly:  Please, do yourself a favor and forget him. I was married for 20 years to your guy’s twin. Charming, loved by everyone but in private I got to see the real him – the verbal abuse, withholding of affection, making me feel like shit. Over the years, my self asteem got lower and lower. I stayed for the kids though now I see that was the worst thing I could have done because they saw  the emotional abuse and how his father thinks it ok to talk to women.

When I hit 40, it hit me. I had to get out while I still had a chance at happiness. I told him I wanted a divorce (he has been threatening one for years) and he could have cared less. He stole all my jewelry, trashed me to my kids and all of our friends.

You know what, I don’t even care. I got my own apartment, filed for divorce and never looked back. I joined match.com and met the kindest, sweetest, funniest most gentle and giving man. I am tearing up just typing this because it scares me to death that I could have missed out on getting to spend the rest of my life with my fiancee and wasted it on trying to give my love to someone who wasn’t capable or willing to give it back.

Honey, you will be fine, better than fine. I promise. I am glad you found this out before you got married and not after when you have kids. Let yourself heal and I bet you will find happiness with someone before you know it. (((hugs)))

Post # 537
Member
206 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

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@MissMelly:  He only wrote to you to be insulting. The whole point of the contact was to rope you in nicely enough to berate you and then block you to give him back the upper hand. This is because he is a nutcase! I’m gently suggesting you go back and read my original response in this thread because I have been with someone like this before. They contact you only to hurt you and make themselves feel better. This is also pretty much why never ever responding gives you the power. Both in the eyes of the psychopath you are dealing with (who wants control and power over you) and yourself, because you do not have to repeatedly expose yourself to hurt beyond your control.

You can’t focus on the past. This is who he is now. What he is now, and probably always was, and will be into the future. If you keep focusing on the past you will continue to turn the blame inwards, which actually, is what he is hoping for.  

Listen, there are like a frillion hot guys out there and a lot of them aren’t a head full of crazy. I’m not being mean but he looks like every third dude I went to b-school and law school with-you can totally do better. Aren’t you in Minnesotey or something? Every other guy out there looks like a blonde Abercrombie model. 

You are so strong and in ten years you’ll look back on this guy with pity and relief that the relationship ended. Promise. 

 

Post # 539
Member
31 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I am jumping in a little late here. I haven’t read any of the responses, just your original post, so I’m sorry if this seems a little out of sequence. 

I am holding onto what you said near the end. That you “can’t imagine ever finding anyone that makes [you] feel how he did” or “being that attracted to someone” or “laughing that much with someone” or even “trusting someone again.” 

I am 30 years old. Though not quite a wise old age, in the stage of starting serious relationships, I’d imagine I’m farther from the beginning than the end. 

All I can say is… no, you’ll never find anyone who makes you feel like he did. And no, you’ll never to attracted to someone the way you were to him. And no, you’ll never laugh with anyone that much. And no, sadly, you’ll never trust in the same way.

But, honestly, that’s okay. There are better things to come. I promise.

One of my favorite quotes, from “Eat Pray Love” by Elizabeth Gilbert:

“A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.”

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