(Closed) Update, the Wedding (and relationship) Is Off

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 62
Member
1434 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

It’s amazing what will come out of a man’s mouth when he’s trying to break up with you. blame shifting is the easiest thing to do.

But the more you press, the more he’ll blame you and say crazy things to you. His words are like bug spray.  When I see a bug in my house, I douce it with bug spray. If it moves even a millimeter, I douce it again until it ain’t moving anymore. Even if it takes the whole can.

That’s what he’s doing to you. He doesn’t want you in his life right now–for whatever reason–so he’s doucing you with bug spray. You don’t deserve it anymore than the poor bug does. But he feels like he has to do what he has to do to make you go away. Sometimes, I feel bad for the bugs. But they can’t be in my house. What can I do? Yeah, some people will say pick it and set it outside. 

But that’s too hard. It’s easier to douce the thing and just kill its spirit right then and there. If I have to pick it up with something, it might get away and then I have to find it in the house again. It just takes longer if I’m trying to be humane.

So I don’t be humane.

Think of yourself as the cute little bug in “ben’s” house. “Ben” chose to be inhumane to another living thing that did not deserve it. Why? Because it was easier than having to keep going back and shooing you out the exit, only to have you dodge him, and he has to shoe you again.

Post # 63
Member
261 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

oh wow.  I’m so sorry.  <Hug> I pray that everything works out. 🙂

Post # 64
Member
619 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

He sounds like a flake and like he doesn’t know what he wants. He also showed great immaturity in the way he handled all this. I can imagine the shock and pain you must be feeling still. I know it sounds trite right now, but you will do better. I would bet money that this breakup was a blessing in disguise for you.

Post # 65
Member
332 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Awwww my heart breaks for you!!!! Heart break, especially when it comes completely unexpected like this, is so incredibly painful.

Although I can’t say I’ve been in a situation as bad as this, I can relate. I was dating a guy for 6 months and totally head over heels for him. I had been the perfect girlfriend for him and we had such a great relationship — never fought and always got along great.

Then he left for a work trip and something just changed in him. I could tell something wasn’t right between us. Over the course of a week I tried to get him to open up about what was wrong and he kept saying it was nothing. I kept bugging him and bugging him to find out what was going on and finally he confesses “I love you but….. you’re not the one.” WORST. MOMENT. OF MY LIFE! To this day I still feel tramautized by that line “I love you but….”. Who says that?

To say my world fell apart would not even begin to explain how I felt! I was crushed and to add to the misery, I was so confused! He had no answers as to why I wasn’t “the one” and for weeks and months I analyzed his statement and wondered what it meant that I wasn’t “the one” and what I did wrong in the relationship. I, too, cried and begged (literally) at his feet to no avail, and all the while, he was emotionless and seemingly not bothered by the situation.

Out of sheer pity for me (and I knew this at the time), we ended up staying together (and only because I refused to leave the relationship and accept the breakup… haha, pathetic, I know!), but months later we broke up anyway after he slowly drifted away again. Relationship was never the same and I knew I was forcing him to be in a relationship that he didn’t want to be in.

Although we got along great, I guess the connection just wasn’t there. I boiled it down to the fact that some guys love the chase and when that’s over, that spark is gone. When you find the right match though, neither of you needs that chase to keep the relationship going.

When you can’t find answers to why someone breaks up with you, it’s so easy to turn to yourself and stress over everything you might have done wrong, but you can’t do that. In situations like that, no one did anything wrong. It just wasn’t meant to be. There is a perfect match for everyone and some people just aren’t suited to be together for a lifetime. No one is to blame for what they feel in their heart.

And trust me, you never want to have to work as hard as I did to keep a relationship together. It’s not worth it to beg for someone back. Relationships and marriages are hard enough even when things are great and even harder when they aren’t great; one person should not have to do the work of two people to keep a relationship together and keep a spark going.

It may feel like you will always be settling when you find someone after this person and it may hurt for a long time, but you WILL find someone else who is perfect…. and who knows…. maybe you’ll be engaged and married before your original wedding date and maybe you won’t have to be tied to a guy that is far away!!! I did the LDR thing with a military guy and it was absolutely miserable and it turned me into a completely different person. Although the break up was sad, in a way, I was relieved at the thought of finding someone in the same city!

Hope your grey skies clear up!

Post # 66
Member
2398 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I am so sorry sweetie, I think this is the time for you to work on what you want and make yourself better. I wish you could see that pretty girl I see in your photo and ride with it. Go enjoy life, go learn new things. Live your life while you are young. Be good to yourself and before you know it a real man will come along that will love you for loving yourself so much. 

I wish you the best sweetie. 

Post # 67
Member
295 posts
Helper bee

This hit so close to home.

This isn’t something you did, people can hide there true colors for years. 

Hold your head high. Post happy things on facebook. Hang out with your friends. Let yourself see the bad things about him that your ignored before. And when he sees that you are happy and comes crawling back because he is a miserable slimeball you tell that fucker where he shove his halfassed apoligies and shitty attitude, and then you kick him square in the balls. (The second part is optional, but it sure made me feel better)

Post # 68
Member
167 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

I wouldn’t count on him coming back like other bees have said. All that does is put yourself in a weird position where you don’t want to let go completely ‘just in case’.

I’ve been where you are now – not engaged but after living together 18 months he was about to move with me from overseas back to New Zealand. Long story short 3 weeks before his flight over (I went back 2months before him) he came on MSN and told me he had cheated multiple times with a friend of his and would be staying with her.

My whole world fell apart and the months that followed are a bit of a blur. I felt with every part of me that I would never stop loving him, that he was my ONE and if I ever ended up with someone else I would be settling.

If only I knew then how wrong I was – sure it took a long time (2 years, various unsuitable men and a lot of tears until I decided enough was enough and I went back overseas to see him again). Once I realised I had been building him up in my mind all that time and he wasn’t so great after all I moved on. Met someone faaaaar better who loves me as I am without having to fit into a mold of what he thinks I should be. I couldn’t give two hoots what my ex does now or who he is seeing.

I have plenty of exs who have the characteristics you described – good looking, smart. funny…but they all did things that hurt me, and had other qualities that weren’t so great. I say let someone else have him for all you care!

Try reading “It’s called a breakup because it’s broken”, helped me a fair bit.

That’s my giant ramble for the day, I’m not writer so sorry for the bits and pieces chucked together – just hang in there, it will get better (you can only go up from here!)

Post # 69
Member
1542 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

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@MissMelly  OH MY GOD! i think he’s gay for your Ex Fiance

Post # 70
Member
1397 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

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@JemmyGee  

“Never look back. Walk tall. Act fine.”

 YES!

Post # 71
Member
1397 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

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@honeybee1999  It’s a hard truth to swallow, but it’s 100% accurate. Just takes some getting used to. Then once you get used to it you’re like “damn… how did I not know this all along? WHAT A FOOL I’VE BEEN! On to the next one ;)”

Post # 72
Member
479 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I am sooo sorry. I know you are hurting right now and it seems like it will not get better but it will… Believe it or not Something and someone better will come along. You can take this time and become stronger and do something new out of life. It’s a reason for everything and trust me something so great will come from this… And he will be the left behind…. I pray you feel better and just take it one day ay a day.

Post # 73
Member
4474 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

 @EffieTrinket I feel for you, sweetheart, I really do.  This guy’s a total douche.  It’s ok to be devastated right now, and nobody here blames you for it.  You’ll work through the pain and come out whole in the end.  You did nothing wrong.  And let’s say, hypothetically, that you DID push him into doing things he didn’t want to do.  If it was such a problem, he should have told you so instead of bitching about it to his friends, which STILL puts him in the wrong.  Whatever his reasons for changing, he didn’t have the decency to communicate any of the issues with you.

 

Hurt, cry, watch movies and eat ice cream.  Work through your pain so you can heal.  Stay away from his friends and family; that chapter of your life’s closed now.  It’ll all be ok.  Even if it takes years, you’ll come out of it grateful you didn’t spend your life with that douche.  And let’s say he does find another girl, since he’s charming, good looking, etc.  Pity the poor thing, because chances are he doesn’t deserve her, either.

 

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@EffieTrinket  The plot would thicken with that Brokeback Mountain twist.

 

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@EffieTrinket  Are you a writer?  If so, please lead me to whatever you write, because that first post was amazing!

 

Post # 74
Member
38 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2013

🙁 I am so sorry you had this happen to you. 

Something similar happened to me once and I remember saying “I will never be anything without him.” I was wrong! 

Let yourself grieve for now. You have experienced a significant loss and the pain is completely normal. i wont tell you to get over him and move on, that will come later. For now, you should heal and allow yourself the natural process of grief.

I do believe this guy did you a favor. By breaking things off before the wedding, he saved you  legal and emotional struggle of divorce. Plus, you dont have children with him, and have not entered any financial endeavors (such as buying a house) with him. In the long run, this will have been for the better. 

I am sorry though, it is never easy to go through these things. Lean on your friends and family and focus on yourself! 

 

Post # 75
Member
1093 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

You didn’t do anything wrong! If he didn’t communicate to you with what bothered him, then how are you supposed to know what’s going on?  He’s putting all the blame on you, and twisting things around.  

*hugs*  I know you’re heart hurts right now, but i agree with all the PP’s, he’s doing you a huge favor.

He wasn’t a wonderful person for two years, and then just turned into an asshole.  It’s the other way around.  He has shown you who he truely is.

You deserve better, and you will find better.  You’re still so young.  You have a whole life ahead of you, and time will heal you. 

Post # 76
Member
1445 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

You sound exactly like me 5 years ago. My Fiance dumped me completely out of the blue (or so it seemed) and I seriously thought I was going to die. The pain and sadness were so incredible, I truly couldn’t imagine ever being happy again. But now, I love my life. I found an amazing man and I think back to what my life would have been like with that guy, and I can see now how everything happens for a reason. I know you will find happiness again and we will all be here to listen to you vent in the meantime!

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