@MissMelly: I want to tell you that I have been there, and you WILL survive.
i know that what I’m going to say won’t help right this minute, but I hope you are able to keep it in the back of your mind in the weeks and months to come.
I dated someone, D., for five years, from 17 to 22. We did long distance for four of those years. We were very much in love (i do know that at one point that was true), and were very, very, very close. I was absolutely over-the-moon happy. We were the couple everyone envied, and were sure was going to make it.
However, as our senior year of college drew to a close and “adult” choices (moving in together, getting married, starting careers) were being discussed, he seeming changed overnight and dumped me. Two weeks before, he’d been in Paris and had spent two days picking out the right perfume for me, because he knew I wanted my own scent. Five days before, he sent me roses for our anniversary, told me how much he loved me, etc etc. Something was off for two or three days, and then he told me we were done over the phone. It was like a sniper’s bullet.
i BEGGED. I sobbed. I pleaded. I did shameful, shameful things. He was very cruel, and very, very cold, and took no time to move on. I felt like I was going crazy. It didn’t make any sense. I saw a counselor, but after she said “that’s one of the worst things I’ve ever heard someone do, and I’ve been at this a long time.” and told me she was “worried about how I could still care for someone who could do this” I stopped.I clung for a long time. I would have taken him back no matter how terrible he had been.
I’m not going to sugar-coat– it was a miserable first year. I lost 15 or 20 pounds in a few months without trying (and I’m a stress EATER, usually). I literally woke myself up sobbing a few times. I took up smoking. I dropped by thesis. I was a wreck– largely because it just didn’t. make. any. sense.
Fast forward five years. Spooky enough, it’s amost to the day, now that I think about it. October used to be hard because it was both our anniversay and when we broke up, and I can honestly, honestly, say the thought didn’t cross my mind, nor does it hurt at all now that it has popped up. I’m actually just grateful. I am so much happier now that I ever was with D.. I’m very much in love– no hesitations– and am very muched loved. I KNOW, as much as we can know anything, that A. will be there through thick and thin. I’m so, so thankful that D., dumped me, and feel so lucky that my life has turned out better than I ever imagined.
It didn’t happen overnight. I had all of these same thoughts: I will never love anyone as much again. I won’t be able to have children with anyone else. Nothing will ever be this real or special. This will never be ok. My life is going to be a shadow of itself from here on out– my happiest days are done.
It would be condescending of me to tell you any of those aren’t true. i can’t predict the future. You might end up alone. You might never be this happy. You might never love this much. But, the VERY strong likelihood is that you will go on to have a happy and fulfilling life and wonderful new relationship. And I want you to know that it IS possible, if nothing else. Just know it CAN happen.
I moved hundreds of miles away– I was lucky to be just out of college, when I could do so easily. I chopped off all my hair and did all new things and switched fields (we’d both been in the same field), and I made dumb choices and great ones and was a mess half the time. But I was also strong as hell. I look back in SUCH awe at that girl who could and did survive that.
It took a lot of time (I remember shortly after the breakup someone told me it takes half the length of the relationship to get over someone. And, sadly, it did take about 2.5 years before I was genuinely whole again, but know what? I got through them, and they passed, and I still had a full, rich life, and I learned a hell of a lot).It took a lot of pain. But, miraculously, it did end.
I’m in grad school now at a great school, with a great scholarship, and a great job I love waiting for me. I’d never have done this, ever, if I was with D., for many reasons. I am loved by a man who makes me feel gorgeous and wonderful and who I love in a way I never knew I could. And falling in love with him was hard and fast and astonishgly beautiful– I didn’t ever once feel like it was anything short of a love story. I want the life we are building together so very much, it scares me sometimes to think I may have settled for less than this.
That’s not to say I didn’t love D. I did, I was crazy about him. I’m lucky, because in retrospect (again, over a year later) things became clearer. I realized things about his character that I didn’t when we were in love. I saw the narrative of our relationship much differently. I honestly know that I dodged a bullet– and, having had a brief and unpleasant exchange with him last year (and I honestly don’t know when it was before that), I know that the life I would have led with him would have dragged me down, too. I learned about what I deserved, and what love really was. I hope fervently that you will be lucky enough to have this experience, too.
Sorry, I know this is long, but I just wanted to let you know you are not alone, and that someone else went through this (it feels like getting run over by a truck, physically aches, doesn’t it?), and they came out on the other side happy and whole, and wanting to have someone else’s babies :).
for now, just keep getting up in the morning and surviving. It’s going to take a long time, but the grief does, I swear, die.