(Closed) Update, the Wedding (and relationship) Is Off

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 93
Member
44 posts
Newbee

@MissMelly:  I want to tell you that I have been there, and you WILL survive.

 

i know that what I’m going to say won’t help right this minute, but I hope you are able to keep it in the back of your mind in the weeks and months to come.

I dated someone, D., for five years, from 17 to 22. We did long distance for four of those years. We were very much in love (i do know that at one point that was true), and were very, very, very close. I was absolutely over-the-moon happy. We were the couple everyone envied, and were sure was going to make it.

However, as our senior year of college drew to a close and “adult” choices (moving in together, getting married, starting careers) were being discussed, he seeming changed overnight and dumped me. Two weeks before, he’d been in Paris and had spent two days picking out the right perfume for me, because he knew I wanted my own scent. Five days before, he sent me roses for our anniversary, told me how much he loved me, etc etc. Something was off for two or three days, and then he told me we were done over the phone. It was like a sniper’s bullet.

i BEGGED. I sobbed. I pleaded. I did shameful, shameful things. He was very cruel, and very, very cold, and took no time to move on. I felt like I was going crazy. It didn’t  make any sense. I saw a counselor, but after she said “that’s one of the worst things I’ve ever heard someone do, and I’ve been at this a long time.” and told me she was “worried about how I could still care for someone who could do this” I stopped.I clung for a long time. I would have taken him back no matter how terrible he had been.

I’m not going to sugar-coat– it was a miserable first year. I lost 15 or 20 pounds in a few months without trying (and I’m a stress EATER, usually). I literally woke myself up sobbing a few times. I took up smoking. I dropped by thesis. I was a wreck– largely because it just didn’t. make. any. sense.

Fast forward five years. Spooky enough, it’s amost to the day, now that I think about it. October used to be hard because it was both our anniversay and when we broke up, and I can honestly, honestly, say the thought didn’t cross my mind, nor does it hurt at all now that it has popped up. I’m actually just grateful. I am so much happier now that I ever was with D.. I’m very much in love– no hesitations– and am very muched loved. I KNOW, as much as we can know anything, that A. will be there through thick and thin. I’m so, so thankful that D., dumped me, and feel so lucky that my life has turned out better than I ever imagined.

It didn’t happen overnight. I had all of these same thoughts: I will never love anyone as much again. I won’t be able to have children with anyone else. Nothing will ever be this real or special.  This will never be ok. My life is going to be a shadow of itself from here on out– my happiest days are done.

It would be condescending of me to tell you any of those aren’t true. i can’t predict the future. You might end up alone. You might never be this happy. You might never love this much. But, the VERY strong likelihood is that you will go on to have a happy and fulfilling life and wonderful new relationship. And I want you to know that it IS possible, if nothing else. Just know it CAN happen.

I moved hundreds of miles away– I was lucky to be just out of college, when I could do so easily. I chopped off all my hair and did all new things and switched fields (we’d both been in the same field), and I made dumb choices and great ones and was a mess half the time. But I was also strong as hell. I look back in SUCH awe at that girl who could and did survive that.

It took a lot of time (I remember shortly after the breakup someone told me it takes half the length of the relationship to get over someone. And, sadly, it did take about 2.5 years before I was genuinely whole again, but know what? I got through them, and they passed, and I still had a full, rich life, and I learned a hell of a lot).It took a lot of pain. But, miraculously, it did end.

I’m in grad school now at a great school, with a great scholarship, and a great job I love waiting for me. I’d never have done this, ever, if I was with D., for many reasons. I am loved by a man who makes me feel gorgeous and wonderful and who I love in a way I never knew I could. And falling in love with him was  hard and fast and astonishgly beautiful– I didn’t ever once feel like it was anything short of a love story. I want the life we are building together so very much, it scares me sometimes to think I may have settled for less than this.

That’s not to say I didn’t love D. I did, I was crazy about him. I’m lucky, because in retrospect (again, over a year later) things became clearer. I realized things about his character that I didn’t when we were in love. I saw the narrative of our relationship much differently. I honestly know that I dodged a bullet– and, having had a brief and unpleasant exchange with him last year (and I honestly don’t know when it was before that), I know that the life I would have led with him would have dragged me down, too. I learned about what I deserved, and what love really was. I hope fervently that you will be lucky enough to have this experience, too.

Sorry, I know this is long, but I just wanted to let you know you are not alone, and that someone else went through this (it feels like getting run over by a truck, physically aches, doesn’t it?), and they came out on the other side happy and whole, and wanting to have someone else’s babies :).

for now, just keep getting up in the morning and surviving. It’s going to take a long time, but the grief does, I swear, die.

Post # 94
Member
10 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Lots of other people have given amazing advice!! I hope you can take it to heart. I just want to add–I saw the engagement picture of you from the night he proposed–and you are GORGEOUS! Just in case you’re feeling low or wondering how you will move on, I guarantee that whenever you are ready for it, men will be lining up for a date with you. 

I know that seems a million years away. But you are beautiful, you seem so smart and gorunded, and you WILL find someone better.

Post # 96
Member
6739 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

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@MissMelly:  Oh trust me, there will be another that you fall head over heels for even harder.  And I agree that physical attraction is important. Ok so my ex was the “one that got away” for a long time for me.  He was SOOO amazing in the beginning, I fell so hard despite not wanting to date him at first (afraid of getting hurt) – the dates he planned for me were so thoughtful and romantic.  One time, I asked him to do me a favor and get my car a car wash because my cat had peed in it and I didn’t have time to run and get a wash and cat urine is the worst.  When he brought the car back, he called me and said, “hey, I think I forgot my ipod in your trunk, can you check?” And I went to check and not only had he done me a favor, gotten me a car wash and paid for it, he left me a surprise bouquet of flowers, too.  Seriously, I thought I could never be more in love with someone ever.  Plus, I thought he was HOT.  Definitely the hottest I had ever dated.  The chemistry was amazing.  But, the communication was lacking and the relationship broke down and I found my Fiance who is a MILLION times hotter (I can PM you pix to compare, if you’d like lol) and a TRILLION BILLION times sweeter AND knows how to communicate.  I love my Fiance so much that it FAR surpasses what I felt for my ex.  And I never thought it would be possible – I always thought that maybe I could match it.  But trust me, you don’t match it, you’ll surpass it.  It will happen for you.  I also wanted to add that I, too, stalked your posts and thought you were a hottie, I just didn’t want to be the weirdo who did that, but since
View original reply
@Laurel43 was, I guess it’s not too creepy if I did it, too.. lol.  It’s going to be a lot easier once you stop focusing on the positive and start focusing on the negatives. 

He basically strung you along while he felt like something was wrong without telling you, he broke up in one of the worst ways possible, after shutting you out of his life for a week, he’s letting his friends dictate his life, he’s treating you like a dick after, he didn’t have the decency to respect you or your family while this was happening.  Seriously, why in the world would you want a guy that does all this?  I know I certainly wouldn’t. 

Post # 97
Member
1157 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Wow,he sucks! I know how u feel, my ex husband did the same thing .Dumped me out of the blue.We had an 18 month old and a two month old.Thank god he left you before you were married and had kids. I was devastated too,but am do greatful now as I see that a better man was in store for me.Dry your tears,you will meet another man that loves you with all of his heart.It does get better,I promise!

Post # 98
Member
7680 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I was there too.  Didn’t think I’d ever find another guy that would be the love of my life, after a 5 year relationship and engagement.  But next month I will be married to the actual love of my life for 30 Years!  🙂

Post # 100
Member
3658 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

 

View original reply
@lorie:  you said “I’m sorry you’re hurting, but if he is 23 you might be similar in age. This is very young and you actually have been given a gift: You’re freedom. He recognized he wasn’t ready to be in a relationship with you, or that his feelings weren’t marriage quality. This is a gift. You are now free to find someone who will be wholly invested in a relationship. He wasn’t it…”

 

This is completely true.

To the OP: it’s time you stop telling yourself stories of how perfect he was, how strong your love was, etc. The stories won’t help you stand tall and move on.

 

 

Post # 101
Member
1063 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

phew! you didn’t get stuck with an absolute asshole and now you have your REAL LOVE out there in the world waiting to happen! i’ll keep my congrats on the shelf til you feel a little better..sorry something so shitty and crazy happened to you!!!!! soon this will all be a dream and you’ll be totally happy like you deserve, eventually with someone ELSE, BETTER.

Post # 102
Member
2959 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Oh sweetie, I am so sorry this happened. You didn’t do this, he did. And despite what he is saying, I would be willing to make a bet that SOMETHING did happen during those two weeks.

I know you are feeling devastated, I know may think that you can’t or won’t “do better”. But I know that you will.  Seek support from family and friends and in time, you really will start to feel better. Focus on learning to be good to yourself and before you know it, someone perfectly wonderful will appear in your life.

Post # 104
Member
3680 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I went through a similar situation where a serious boyfriend completely changed, seemingly overnight. It turned out he had undiagnosed mental problems and started to do drugs (definitely not saying that’s what’s going on here).

It took me a *long* time to get over him. Years. And yes, he did come crawling back, but nothing was ever the same. We went on and off for over two years after he left me out of the blue. It’s one of my greatest regrets in life. I wasted WAY too much time with his sorry ass.

I’m only 26 now, so not much older than you, but I *can* say that I’ve changed A LOT in the last three years. Enjoy your youth! You definitely don’t want to be tied to someone who can pull the kind of stuff this guy has pulled. The man I’m marrying is 1000x better than the boy that left me. You’ll find someone better, who treats you better, and who will completely make you forget your ex. Promise.

Post # 105
Member
1434 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

View original reply
@MissMelly:  I just think, if you love someone the way he said he did, you not only don’t bail, you would fight over and over to get through things, get through conflict. But that’s just me. He saw it as welp there are problems so time to get away.


And you knowing this will shape what you look for in the next man. You knowing this is percisely the reason you know that you no longer love him. He is not what you thought he was and he is not what you need. He cannot get through tough times as you need a man to be able to do. 

Post # 106
Member
1434 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

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@piacavoleKt:  It will get better but the healing process doesnt start until you knock him off this pedastool. Instead of him being the ass that just dropped you, you are making him “the one that got away.” 


That’s what I keep saying. There’s no way in hell he can be the great man she says, but do to her what he did, and she needs to see that it was all a facade. He is NOT that great wonderful person he sold himself as. He is that beautiful new car with zero miles on it that the salesman never told you had sat on the car lot for days underneath Katrina flood waters. 

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