- 8 years ago
- Wedding: May 2013
You deserve better.
You deserve better.
@MissMelly: Im very sorry this happened to you. I know its probably ridiculous to say but in some odd way be glad he showed you this side before marrying you. I know that doesn’t make it any better now and its not really advice exactly. But someone who can so quickly change their mind and do what he did is just not the kind of person you want. It all seems very cold and selfish of him. It sounds like you have family that loves you and friends that care and so my advice is to keep surrounding yourself with people who do value your feelings and you as a person. Keep strong and remember that not only do you have your family and friends but an entire community of women (some of whom have been through similar things) that are here for support as well. I do hope things get better for you. ((hugs))
@MissMelly: My heart is breaking for you. With that said, I PROMISE some day, some time, in the future… IT GETS BETTER.
I went through a VERY rough breakup with my boyfriend of 6 years. I did not eat, I didnt sleep, I didnt do anything becuase before, he was my life. After a million tears and A LOT of anger, I started doing things for me. Took dance classes again, volunteered, got closer with my family. Good things will happen but it takes time. Focus on yourself; search to find yourself. SIt down and make a list of all the things you loved about him and all the things you could do without. Burn the “Love” list :), and remember always how much pain he has caused you. You dont want someone in your life who has chosen to hurt you. LIFE. GOES. ON… I promise 🙂
Lots of hugs, wine and chocolate 🙂
But there are so many fears I am afraid will never be fixed. How can I be intimate with someone like he* and I were? Is that the last time I’m going to have physical chemistry THAT good? Is that the last time someone is going to make me laugh until I cry like that? Or make me just giddy inside?
It seems impossible there could be anyone else now that I’m out of school or that I could possibly want someone else. My brain keeps thinking maybe he’ll come back and say he was sorry and that he realized I am the love of his life like he thought for two yeras, yet everyone tells me I shouldn’t want him back:( My heart is so confused. I can’t accept I loved someone SO much who turned out to be a jerk. I don’t see how that couldn’t ahve shown for so long.
It will NOT be the last time you will feel that way about a man. Out of school is NOT too late. Over 30 even, is not too late. I met mine at 31. Use this time to heal and do things that you enjoy, selfishly.
Distance makes your perspective change completely. I had a five year relationship end badly a few years ago. Everyone assumed that we were meant for each other, even us. When it ended, I was pretty sure I was going to spend life alone. I was jealous of whoever got him even though I knew we weren’t right for each other.
Last year I moved and when I did, I found all of his cards he had given me in a box. Card after card was “Sorry I forgot our anniversary” “Sorry I started a fight on Valentines day, I love you baby” “Sorry I forgot your birthday, I still love you” and I was like… how the eff did I not notice ANY OF THIS BS at the time? I shrugged and threw them away. He wasn’t a bad man, but he didn’t love me, not the way he should have and not the way I deserved. But I was trying to love him enough for both of us. That doesn’t work.
How can I be intimate with someone like he* and I were? Is that the last time I’m going to have physical chemistry THAT good? Is that the last time someone is going to make me laugh until I cry like that? Or make me just giddy inside?
You just have to have faith that you will find all of that again. Fake it until you make it. OF COURSE it is scary right now. Many many of us have been there. And we are all here now saying that we DID find even better. You just have to believe it. You are still so young, you have so much living to do. There is a world of experiences waiting for you. Go get them.
And I disagree a bit with PP – I would not say your ex is necessarily a jerk. His recent actions are not great, to be sure. He deserved your love when you gave it to him. However, he does not deserve to be your husband. Marriage is a big commitment and he is not ready. Might he be someday? Maybe. But you have to assume that you guys are done for good, or you will never get healthy and move on. Go on blind faith for now, you will be ok.
I have been in your shoes. I have thought that I will NEVER do better, NEVER find someone who I just love the way he smells, who was perfect in bed for me, etc.
And then when I met my Fiance, I realized, there is no better scent in the world than the way his neck smells when he first wakes up, I love nuzzling my head in there and just taking in a deep breath. I thought I’d never have that again, but it’s even more intense now. And, making love to my Fiance made me realize just how much I was missing from my ex. I thought it was great because I was so into him, but man is it SO MUCH better, now!
There is NO comparison between my Fiance and my ex and my ex, in my mind when we dated, was “the one” and we were talking about potentially getting married in the future and whatnot. There was no timeline, because we weren’t there yet (only dated 1 year), but I really thought that I would just be lucky to find someone who compared. The truth is, you will find someone who BLOWS your ex OUT the water. By far.
I bet if you did a poll on the boards here and asked how many women felt like one of their exes was “the one that got away,” it would be VERY few women. That’s also a mindset – you can make your ex out to be this perfect person or you can realize that he was flawed and you didn’t see it (and he could have very well hid it from you).
I’m sure your ex had a great personality, but he had some major flaws: (1) he was too immature to come to you and communicate with you what was bothering him, so this issue that arose now would have certainly come up at some point in the future, better now than later; (2) he lets his friends dictate his life; (3) he has no respect for you or your family; the least he could do is get his best friend to lay off you, there’s no reason for that type of behavior, but see #2, where he doesn’t have the balls to stand up to his friends; (4) he is cold hearted and cruel when things go bad, everyone is great when things are great, no one has a bad side when they’re happy, but as soon as shit got too serious and things started to feel unsettling to him, he became a heartless asshole and THAT is the person he REALLY is and hid from you all along.
I’m sure the list is longer, you can add to it, if you’d like.
ETA: I’m 28. I met my Fiance after I graduated law school, 3 years ago. I know it seems harder once you’re not in school to meet someone – but it’s definitely not impossible. You’ll be surprised where you can meet new people.
I wish i had something to say that hasnt already been said. I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason, and there is a reason he was not the one you will marry. GIve it time. Focus on yourself, when you least expect it the right person will enter your live.
Please know that there are plenty of ladies here for you to talk to.
I’m sooooo soooo sorry love. That’s an absolutely horrible thing to happen to anyone. I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but it will get better. You’ll come to see you are much, MUCH better off without that silly, little, immature boy hanging around. You don’t need him, and can and WILL do much better than him. He’ll come to see eventually what he’s missingand how good you were to him, probably when the idiot “bros” start pairing off and he gets lonely. I agree with PP, they probably put the idea in his head, but he carried it through, he’s to blame here. Don’t take him back. You deserve better. I’d also maybe go show those texts from the friend to the police, those sound like threats to me.
Good luck love, it will get better. Hugs! x
You guys are all so sweet. But I’m still so scared I just won’t ever be happy again. That I’ll always wish deep down he’d come back. Because I keep thinking okay maybe he just freaked out and needs time or he’ll grow up in a few years maybe we’ll get back together. I can’t imagine being THAT happy with anyone else, or having someone who my entire family loved (until the end…). The passion we had for each other was just unbelievable. I don’t know how I can recreate it. And I hear what you all are saying I just am sitting here feeling so lost, wondering what the hell I could have done, I just want to be okay again. I don’t want to be sad anymore. I wish I never met him.
Take time to work on yourself. Love yourself, pamper yourself, improve yourself. Get a hobby, find a club, take up running– after a hard breakup, you have to rebuild who you are. You’re strong and worthy and wonderful.
It does take time, as much as that sucks. You’ve got to make a decision to persevere and work on yourself. Little by little, you’re going to grow and change. And one day, when you’re not thinking about it and just living your life, you’re going to realize that you’re ready to love again. Someone will catch your eye or buy you a drink and you’ll smile and realize that you’re excited to have the butterflies and the new-relationship-jitters and get to know someone all over again! You’ll get there and you’re going to do great. Just keep going.
“Just when the caterpiller thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.”
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