(Closed) Update to alcoholic friend post- she replied to the email.

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
9648 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

well you tried to reach out, i wouldn’t reply, you did all you could. she is hopefully thinking over what you said in the email, and may in the next day or two send another email, with a longer response. it is good she replied and apologised though!

Post # 4
Member
13014 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Well, you weren’t expecting a good response, right?  Obviously she wasn’t going have that crystallizing I-need-help moment, as much as you’d want her to.

From the previous thread, it looks like you wanted to end the friendship anyway.  If that’s the case, I’d say no response is necessary and you two part company as amicably as possible.  But if you do want to maintain the friendship, maybe it’s worth a follow-up.

Post # 6
Member
9648 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

@soccer25:  yeah the apology may not be sincere, in which case it is even better not to  respond. if she wants to get help, then she will, until then you will have friends surrounding you who are much better behaved and respectful, and do not cause so much drama. i hope it all works out 🙂

Post # 7
Member
13014 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@soccer25:  Agreed, I would have expected an angry response as well.  In some ways, it makes it a lot harder to even come up with a response because you can’t even tell if she’s being ambivalent or if she really is angry.  Do you have any plans to see her in the near future?  I know you said she just moved, but if she’s coming back to your area, maybe you can sit down over coffee and actually discuss what she did to hurt you and her inappropriate actions at the wedding.

Post # 10
Member
3121 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@soccer25:  You’ve said you don’t want to be friends with her any more, but that’s not the vibe I’ve gotten from your posts.  You seem to keep wanting to reach out…are you sure you’re done with her?  If you are, don’t reply.  But again, you seem to want to…

 

ETA:  Sorry, missed your reply!

Post # 11
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I think if you want to be done with her, you just need to be done. This response sounds defeated, embarrassed, and not an invitation to discuss anything further. You made your choice to address it, hopefully now she can live in that reality for awhile if need be and then take steps to get better. You’ve said what you wanted to say, now be done. Hopefully maybe someday you two can reconnect when she is in a healthy, clear headed place.

Post # 14
Member
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@soccer25:  I’m just coming in on this and catching up on your past threads… I had a similar situation with an alcoholic friend.  He didn’t act out the way your friend did at the wedding, but just the fact that he was dependent on alcohol and refused admit it, acknowledge it, or own it.  He and I were both part of a group of friends that had known each other since 3rd grade.  After spending years of (what I thought was) being a good, supportive friend, I finally had to be truly a good friend and be honest.  I couldn’t wake up each day and look myself in the mirror knowing that by standing by him and not being honest with him meant that I was allowing and accepting his behavior.  And good God, he got a DUI and still didn’t stop… what if he went out and killed someone with his driving?!  

You did the right thing.  The reply you got sucks, but it’s typical… nobody wants to see the worst side of themselves, have someone call them out on it, and have to own it.  Your friend isn’t ready to admit that she has a dependency that owns her, and runs her life.  Acknowledging it makes it true so she won’t do that.  It’s sad, and she may have to hit rock bottom before she sees it and make changes.  Or, like my former friend, never make those changes.  I know her reply doesn’t give you closure and that’s difficult for you.  At least you can go forward with life knowing that you did the right thing for both of you.

Post # 16
Member
487 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

When I was in my 20’s, I got an e-mail from the girl who was my best friend at the time calling me out for my ‘drinking problem’.  I was 24, I went out Thurs, Fri, and Sat because I didn’t have to work the next day.  Did I get drunk?  Yes.  Did I see a problem with that?  No.  It’s what the people I surrounded myself with did.  She did and wanted to ‘save’ me.  I basically sent her the same e-mail back as what you got when I got her e-mail.  I haven’t talked to her since.  For two reasons, if you send something that’s important to you through e-mail, it’s not that important to you.  It’s just passive-aggressive.  I took it as her sharing her peace, in what she felt was the nicest, non-confrontational way possible, and it was the end of our friendship and she was ending that friendship.  And, the second reason, I didn’t care if it was the end of the friendship.  After getting that e-mail, I really had no interest in ever seeing her again.  Her ‘concern’ over what I felt wasn’t a concern, just made me think she had a pole shoved up her butt and I wasn’t interested in maintaining a friendship with a person with that trait.

Just to give you another perspective.

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