(Closed) Update to "confused about my sexuality"

posted 4 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 31
3648 posts
Sugar bee

I agree with PPs that you have to ignore gender for a moment. You are actively having an emotional affair with a mom with three kids. If you two continue to pursue this relationship (or even a continued friendship), there is a good chance her marriage will break up over it. Can you live with that on your conscience? I know that would wreck me. 

Post # 32
3064 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

confusedbee12345:  I remember your initial post, I think its wrong that you are engaged but want to explore this further. I think you need to either drop the friendship and focus on your Darling Husband or break up and be single adn then you can do whatever you want. I think you are too hung up on the fact that your attracted to a woman and somehow its not as bad as if it was a guy. In my opinon, your cheating. 

Think about if- your Darling Husband met a woman that he was friends with, kissed her, thinks about having sex with her all day and continues to hang out with her…its wrong. Imagine if he came home and said ” honey I want to be with this lady and with you” Would you want that?

End of the day I think you are emotionally cheating on your Fiance. Imagine if your friend was a guy instead of a married woman. Would your Fiance still be ok with all of this?

I think you need to be honest with him, and you also need to decide if you can be committed to one person ( unless he goes for poly) and take it from there. 


Post # 33
1690 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

I think it’s great to find yourself. I think it’s great that we all explore. I think it’s great to try different things.

But youre trying to drag your fiancé in this. I cant understand why you think this is okay. Because she’s a woman and doesn’t count? What happens if you try it and you like it?? I mean, really really like it? What will happen to your fiancé? To her husband? I don’t think you’re thinking this through very well. You are excited and feel all this passion but that’s about all you’re feeling and thinking.

You need to think long and hard whether this is something you really want to pursue. You could lose everything because youre horny for this chick. And if it’s more than that?? Then maybe you need to figure out where your fiancé really stands. Maybe it’d be better to be single and try it. 

Again, I’m all for experimenting. I have! But I’m not for hurting people. And just because it’s a woman doesnt mean it’s okay.

Post # 34
6835 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

I agree with PPs that you seem to be getting caught up in the fact that this is another woman. I don’t think the gender matters. But you’re basically asking for permission to cheat on your Fiance. Hey, he could be totally fine with it. I don’t know your relationship. But if it were ME and my husband asked if he could explore a sexual relationship with a friend…no. That is cheating. Same sex, opposite sex, doesn’t matter.

What is your ideal scenario? You Fiance and her husband give you permission to experiment this one time? They both agree to have open relationships? What if they agree to let you two try it this one time but that’s it? What if you really like it and want to do it again? What if your Fiance says absolutely not and wants this girl out of your life? You say you’re not willing to cut her out but this is already an emotional affair. How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot?

Post # 35
401 posts
Helper bee

Butterfly6:  It’s not so much the technical aspect (obviously a man can technically do the things with his hands and mouth that a woman can) as it is the experience.

It’s a different feeling having a woman’s body in bed with you than a man’s. In my experience, women touch, kiss, and generally do things in bed differently than men. I don’t want to generalize based on gender, but none of the women I’ve slept with have been the same experience as the men I’ve slept with. It’s a more…sensory experience, I’ve found. 

I do agree with PP’s that OP shouldn’t have acted on her attraction before talking to her Fiance. But I don’t think it’s a reflection of her love for or attraction to her Fiance, or their relationship. I also don’t think it’s the same as her Fiance wanting to sleep with another woman. I would be very upset if my Fiance slept with another woman, as he would be if I slept with another man. It’s sex with the same gender that is acceptable, as we can’t replicate that for each other, really. I could peg him if he wanted that experience, but it’s not going to be the same as him having that experience with a man, just like sex with a woman for me is different.

Post # 37
1065 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

confusedbee12345:  Hey, jumping in because I’ve also recently recognized that I’m bisexual (still feel strange/guilty saying it). It was always there, I just misread it as deep affection, admiration, or even envy of other women’s looks. I just thought all “straight” women had the feelings i did. As I’ve acknowledged my bisexuality more, my attraction to women has become more obvious/overt. I can recognize it for what it is. I’m also in a committed relationship with a man, and we’re monogamous. Being in this situation, it almost feels like I can’t call myself bisexual. Or, if I’m never going to date women, why bother? Kind of sucks  because it feels less “real” and I don’t want to claim a queer identity when I live as a straight, committed woman. And then there’s all the cultural crap, like, “oh, everyone’s a little bisexual” and maybe I’m just admitting to myself what most ppl don’t? I dunno. As far as your crush, it sounds like this is the first woman who gave you that overt, “okay, yeah, I definitely like girls” feeling. (This happened to me 2 years ago). It probably won’t be the last time, in the same way you will be attracted to other men. Not sure if that helps, but I’m in the same boat. Think it’s more common than you’d think and there’s nothing wrong with you 🙂

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