Post # 1
Member
13 posts
Newbee
I wanted to come back and thank everyone again for taking the time to read and respond to my original post about my struggles with my marriage and the affair that started 3 weeks ago.
I also wanted to share where I’m at now. Last night I ended my affair, for good. Regardless of what happens with my marriage, I do not want to be with someone when that relationship began with lies and shame. We were able to end on friendly terms and mutually decided that this was the best decision for both of us. I feel a huge weight lifted off me, although I am still struggling with the realization that this was not a bad dream and somehow I actually allowed myself to do something so horrible. I will be keeping the affair to myself and understand that it is my guilt to carry.
As for my marriage, I am still undecided. Until 3 weeks ago when the affair began, I had spent years being the supportive, caring wife that he needed and that I wanted to be. But as much as I understand that my husband has an illness, there needs to some level of happiness on my end as well.
some posters likened my situation to being with someone with cancer and asked if I would leave my husband if he was sick with cancer rather than mentally ill. The answer is obviously NO! I do not believe these illnesses can be compared in this situation, as I believe someone with cancer or any other illness would still try to show love to their spouse, which is the main issue I am having with my husband. I can handle the lack of interest in activities, lack of sex drive, issues with his job. But when my husband decides he’d rather do pretty much anything other than spend time with me, kiss me, or even tell me he loves me, it becomes very difficult to imagine living the rest of my life in a one sided marriage.
I have decided to give our marriage more time in the hopes that we can save what we once had. I am going to be speaking to a therapist individually to sort through my feelings of neglect and my guilt from the affair. I would love to save our marriage, and I am trying to remain optimistic but at the end of the day I do need to take care of my needs as well. I just hope we can find a solution.
Thank you again to everyone who offered support, shared personal experiences or offered advice. I am very grateful to have had such wonderful people to help me through this nightmare.
Post # 3
Member
8035 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
@unfaithfulandconfused: *more hugs*
I am glad to hear that you ended the affair. I think that is a step in the right direction whether you end up staying in your marriage or not.
Continuing the therapy is wise too.
I think you will get more clarity with time. It just occurred to me that possibly your husband is so ashamed of what he’s become that he’s withdrawing from you partially because he thinks he doesn’t deserve you. He might even be doing this as a way for you to break it off with him since he is so down on himself that he might think you’ll leave him anyway.
I don’t have experience dealing with mental illness, though, so I could be wrong. Everything probably just seems to bleak to him that he isn’t interested in anything period.
I wonder if you can do some little things to get the spark back. Recreate your first date etc. little things.. make him his favorite meal. Have no pressure dates where you catch up on your favorite TV series or something. Watch funny movies. Take some time to be nice to each other.
Post # 4
Member
1459 posts
Bumble bee
- Wedding: July 2017 - Bristol zoo
Hosestly just wish you all the best, this sounds like an incredibly hard situation and I hope something starts to work out soon <3
Post # 5
Member
286 posts
Helper bee
@unfaithfulandconfused: I’m so proud of you for the way you are handling this very complex situation, OP! I know that took a lot of courage to end your affair, especially when you are experiencing such neglect in your marriage.
Please disregard the posters who compared your situation to having a spouse with cancer; that only shows they have no idea what you are going through and how difficult it can be. I’m not sure what kind of mental illness your husband has, but perhaps there is a support group (either in person or on-line) for spouses/families of people with this illness. And I think that starting your own counseling is also a really smart move.
I would also just say that, even if you do get divorce, it doesn’t sound to me like your marriage is a failure. You tried for four years to make this marriage work (even longer considering the time before your marriage). That is not a failure. But you deserve a mutually loving and fulfilling love in your life. It just might be that your husband can’t give that to you.
Best of luck to you and just know that we support you!
Post # 6
Member
1397 posts
Bumble bee
@unfaithfulandconfused: *Hugs* to you. You did the right thing by ending your affair- regardless of what happens in your marriage.
Post # 7
Member
5398 posts
Bee Keeper
@unfaithfulandconfused: I hope things work out for you. I do just want to say, as someone with serious health problems, that anytime you’re struggling with your health, your ability to be romantic and affectionate is diminished. Doesn’t matter what the diagnosis is, but when you feel so terribly, it’s very difficult to pull together the energy to be the romantic partner you would like to be. So, while depression and cancer are not the same, you still need to realize he is not able to change how he feels without help, and that includes his emotional behavior. I wish the best for you both.
Post # 8
Member
1462 posts
Bumble bee
I hope you find peace in whatever decision you make I know it will be difficult. Just know that strength comes in many forms and we dont know how strong we are until we look back and see that we have made it.
BIG HUG
Post # 9
Member
1998 posts
Buzzing bee
@unfaithfulandconfused: I think you’ve made some very wise decisions. I truly hope everything works out for you and that you find the happiness you deserve. *hugs*