(Closed) Update to having an affair. Should I leave my marriage?

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
8035 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@unfaithfulandconfused:  *more hugs*

I am glad to hear that you ended the affair. I think that is a step in the right direction whether you end up staying in your marriage or not.

Continuing the therapy is wise too.

I think you will get more clarity with time. It just occurred to me that possibly your husband is so ashamed of what he’s become that he’s withdrawing from you partially because he thinks he doesn’t deserve you. He might even be doing this as a way for you to break it off with him since he is so down on himself that he might think you’ll leave him anyway.

I don’t have experience dealing with mental illness, though, so I could be wrong. Everything probably just seems to bleak to him that he isn’t interested in anything period.

I wonder if you can do some little things to get the spark back. Recreate your first date etc. little things.. make him his favorite meal. Have no pressure dates where you catch up on your favorite TV series or something. Watch funny movies. Take some time to be nice to each other.

Post # 4
1459 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2017 - Bristol zoo

Hosestly just wish you all the best, this sounds like an incredibly hard situation and I hope something starts to work out soon <3

Post # 5
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@unfaithfulandconfused:  I’m so proud of you for the way you are handling this very complex situation, OP! I know that took a lot of courage to end your affair, especially when you are experiencing such neglect in your marriage.

Please disregard the posters who compared your situation to having a spouse with cancer; that only shows they have no idea what you are going through and how difficult it can be. I’m not sure what kind of mental illness your husband has, but perhaps there is a support group (either in person or on-line) for spouses/families of people with this illness. And I think that starting your own counseling is also a really smart move.

I would also just say that, even if you do get divorce, it doesn’t sound to me like your marriage is a failure. You tried for four years to make this marriage work (even longer considering the time before your marriage). That is not a failure. But you deserve a mutually loving and fulfilling love in your life. It just might be that your husband can’t give that to you. 

Best of luck to you and just know that we support you!

Post # 6
1397 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@unfaithfulandconfused:  *Hugs* to you. You did the right thing by ending your affair- regardless of what happens in your marriage.

Post # 7
5398 posts
Bee Keeper

@unfaithfulandconfused:  I hope things work out for you. I do just want to say, as someone with serious health problems, that anytime you’re struggling with your health, your ability to be romantic and affectionate is diminished. Doesn’t matter what the diagnosis is, but when you feel so terribly, it’s very difficult to pull together the energy to be the romantic partner you would like to be. So, while depression and cancer are not the same, you still need to realize he is not able to change how he feels without help, and that includes his emotional behavior. I wish the best for you both. 

Post # 8
1462 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I hope you find peace in whatever decision you make I know it will be difficult. Just know that strength comes in many forms and we dont know how strong we are until we look back and see that we have made it.


Post # 9
1998 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

@unfaithfulandconfused:  I think you’ve made some very wise decisions. I truly hope everything works out for you and that you find the happiness you deserve. *hugs*

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