- 10 years ago
- Wedding: May 2010
We actually ended up going over to his parents’ house to “talk” about things last week. It happened before we could send the email. It was not what we wanted to do, but his dad called us and threatened to withhold feeding our dog while we were out of town, unless we did this. Nice, huh? He asked his dad to do it as a last resort because everyone else we knew was busy and it was only for 1 night, and his dad first agreed no problem. Then, literally as we were leaving town, his dad called and threw it in our faces that we are being selfish and cruel to his mom, and he we need to fix the situation and agree to come over to talk, otherwise he won’t take care of the dog for 1 NIGHT. Might as well be using our kids as pawns!
When we went over there to talk to his mom, his dad and sister were there too. Turns out, they are just as unhappy with us as his mom, but they’ve been lying to our faces all along about it just being his mom who has the issues. I made another recent post about Disrespecting Our Guests, which stemmed entirely from the conversation we had with his family. They didn’t address us as a couple, it was all directed at ME, because they all obviously think every decision we made came from me. Even when my husband tried to speak up and say something, his dad would cut him off and say “No, what do YOU have to say about this?”–to me.
I am not good in confrontational situations, and I had a very hard time talking about how I felt, and it became even harder when everything I said was countered with “That didn’t happen” or “You haven’t been trying hard enough.” My husband tried to explain to his family that they haven’t worked very hard at making me feel comfortable in their home, and his sister chimed in that maybe we shouldn’t have blindsided them with our engagement (we were together 9 months, and they knew me, and they all made comments about us getting married before our engagement) and we should have taken their feelings into consideration before we started planning this wedding, and his dad said they are plenty open, it must be a problem that I have with not trying hard enough. He also stated that they have been waiting for the wedding to pass so they can see the real me, because they don’t like the person they have seen up to this point and they don’t think it is the real me. That felt like a stab in the heart, because they HAVE been seeing the real me!
It came to the point where I couldn’t say anything, because they obviously just wanted to say everything THEY thought to make themselves feel better so they could move on. Literally everything I said was denied, countered, or not considered important. I knew then that it didn’t matter what I said, they were not listening, nor would they ever listen. At the end, they said they felt we could all move on and “forgive and forget” because they had everything out in the open. My husband and I left, we discussed between ourselves everything that was wrong with the whole night. We are on the same page about it, but it is obviously coming down to us just moving past this and pretending nothing is wrong, which is very hard to do. But we know that bringing anything up about our feelings at this point will not make any difference.
The most hurtful part to me was knowing that they weren’t saying any of that to hurt me, it was truly how they felt. They truly do NOT like me as a person, as evidenced by my FIL’s comments. And obviously none of this was supported by any of his immediate family, even though his dad and sister had just been placing the blame on his mom, who was at least willing to tell us how she felt. After all of this crap, I feel better about his mom, but worse about everyone else, if that is possible.
But at the same time, I do feel better that everything is out in the open and knowing that there is absolutely NOTHING else we can do. We truly know now that we haven’t done anything wrong, we will never be able to make them happy, and somehow that brings us an odd feeling of peace. At least we know where we stand with everyone involved, and we know how to proceed forward from here.