(Closed) *UPDATE to "I'm in a mess. Need support and perspective."

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
5958 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

You’ve already done it….I would say it’s time for you to stop acting and start taking a lot of time for yourself to sort out all of the conflicting emotions/actions of your recent past.  Why you made the choices you did, what motivated them in spite of your own personal truths about what was really happening and how you reconciled that in the moment versus what your doing now….I’m not going to burn you up, what’s done is done babe…and there’s no fixing some things…not always. 

Odds are good that M’s wife is always going to carry a dagger for you, own that, learn the lesson and leave the guilt, relationships borne from infidelity are rife with trouble, if he’ll cheat with you, he’ll cheat on you, I would recommend cutting off all communication with him, forever…it’s not a good relationship at all, and while that seems like too little too late….it’s not really about him anymore….you have to to get yourself sorted out girl, or be doomed to repeat this ugly mess with different people…

To get good things in this life, we must first give them…get square with the house and start at the beginning…with yourself, you’ll be alright 

Post # 4
Member
506 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@Nona99:  So well said! 

 

Sadbee, the best thing you can do is focus on yourself. Therapy can wonderful for that and I highly recommend finding a referral for a good one. Focus on that, not on M. Rebounding into a relationship especially with someone facing a divorce is a terribly bad idea. I’m sorry you are in this situation, but it will get better (sooner) as long as you don’t dig yourself a deeper hole. Good luck and stay strong. 

Post # 6
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

You are clearly a very good person caught in a bad situation.  Reading your last post, I would say that I wouldn’t rule out that something could happen with M, eventually.  But agree with other bees that you need to focus on you now, and he needs to focus on his divorce.   You have tried to do the right things by him these last few months and you should feel good about that.  Haveconfidence that the future is only going to get better, that the right guy is out there for you, but whether it is with M or someone else remains t be seen.

 

Good luck andstay strong!

Post # 7
Member
11752 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I am glad you followed your gut. I hope you find peace in your decision and are on the path to a happier, healthier you. Take care of yourself anf focus on you for now. M will be there when his divorce is final and you can cross that bridge when you get there. Good luck!

Post # 8
Member
7710 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I am a very compassionate person, but I learned the hard way that you can not help an addict. A friend put it very well when she said “For any other problem, do as much as you can. But for addiction, walk away and pray from a distance.” I had to do that with a couple very close loved ones. It breaks my heart, but it was either cut them out of my life, or subject my kids to dangerous, toxic people and situations. It is still hard, but I just keep reminding myself “It’s not my fault. I didn’t cause it. I can’t fix it.” I would probably have done the same even if I didn’t have kids to think about, because I also deserve to feel safe and happy. I have the right to be in control of my own life and not have to suffer the tragic consequences of other people’s bad decisions. Everyone has that right, and I hope for everyone who needs it, that they have the strength to exercise that right and experience how peaceful and joyful life can be when you don’t have that constant pain and chaos hanging over your head. 

Post # 9
Member
511 posts
Busy bee

I’m about to throw some light on part of this situation that some people aren’t going to like. Maybe you’ll judge me for it but I can’t control that; I’m only responsible for me.

I’m a recovering alcoholic. I also suffer from depression.  I could try and qualify that my drinking wasn’t out of control, and I didn’t experience any spectacular life event that made me get sober like a DUI or getting arrested.  That’s neither here nor there. I simply decided that I couldn’t go on living that way, numbing my emotions and feeling like crap every day. So I got help…. structured group therapy and one on one counselling kind of help. I’ve gone from being an unhappy, separated, ashamed, depressed and belittled non-person trying to cope with the aftermath of a life filled with abuse to a truly happy, content, peaceful, optimistic woman about to marry the man of her dreams. 

That was 2 years, 8 months and 16 days in the making.  I learned about why I became an alcoholic, how this disease had taken over my life, and what I could do to make sure I didn’t relapse.  I avoided triggers, stop seeing friends that drank to excess, minimized interaction with people who were negative, or who guilt and shamed me.  I did a lot of emotional work; I still do a lot of emotional work.

As I got more clarity with being sober, I stopped being a doormat, didn’t seek approval from others, and learned that indeed I wasn’t fat, ugly, unlovable, and unworthy. I made decisions based on what was good for me, not what would make other people happy.  I became a human being, not a human doing. Some folks didn’t like the changes and many of them (including my parents and my younger brother) walked away.  I’m okay with that because it’s better for me, and for my kids, and now my partner. 

The one and only thing that is true for an addict is that recovery has to be driven by an extraordinary desire by the addict to be well.  It can’t be because people hold an intervention, or a court orders you to rehab.  You have to really, really want it, and the only way to avoid a relapse is to work on the feelings that made you want to disappear in the first place. Sometimes we’re successful; often we relapse.  Total abstinence is the only way, and learning to deal with your emotions in a healthy way is imperative.  It’s an ongoing journey and you can’t take your eyes off the ball, so to speak, for a second. I’m not saying I won’t ever stumble but I’m trying my damnedest not to…. every single day.

OP, nothing you could have done would have made your former Fiance get well if he didn’t want to.  I think you need to forgive yourself if you’re feeling even a teensy bit guilty for walking away.  If you can, find a local Al-Anon group and attend meetings; you may have developed co-dependent patterns living and dealing with an addict.  You need to know that meeting your own needs is the most important thing, and protecting your own emotional safety is necessary.  Your former partner may get better, or he may simply go through the cycles of sobriety and relapse.  That’s not your problem and it’s perfectly okay to state your needs and make sure that people respect your boundaries.

As far as M is concerned, I personally think that until you get yourself into a stable emotional state where you can clearly identify your own feelings, you should leave him alone.  Yes, this is all going to be hard and arduous and you’re not going to like it, at least not right now.  You need time to heal and to be good to yourself.  You deserve to be happy and fulfilled and loved for exactly who you are.  You have to start by loving yourself.  Maybe in time M will be worthy of you but he’s got his own shit to deal with right now.  You both need to be independently working on yourselves before you stand a chance of being together.

If you ever have any questions, or if anyone on the boards wants to pick my brain about addiction and my recovery, I’m happy to chat with you.  Addiction is a horrible thing to deal with, but not everyone who is an addict is beyond hope, and we don’t deserve to be judged unfairly. 

My name is anothersmith and I’m an alcoholic, but it’s not the only thing I am.

Post # 10
Member
2869 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@anothersmith:  Thank you so much for sharing your perspective!

OP: Learn to love yourself before you can love someone else again.  *hugs* I truly do believe that everything works itself out eventually; good always comes, even after all the shit. 

Post # 11
Member
511 posts
Busy bee

@loving_life:  Thank you for taking the time to read the telephone book tome that I wrote!

Post # 12
Member
8438 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@anothersmith:  I don’t know why anyone in the world would judge what you wrote since it is so very honest.

 

@SadBeeWalking:  I don’t think anyone will be harder on you than yourself for what you feel you did wrong. Work on yourself and then think about relationships. Good luck

Post # 14
Member
5428 posts
Bee Keeper

Everybody makes mistakes and the only way to deal with them is learn from them. Love yourself first and foremost and then concentrate on what you want and who you want to share your life with. I am glad you are getting supportive comments on here and you are taking them all in so you can better the situation. HUGS.

Post # 15
Member
5428 posts
Bee Keeper

@anothersmith:  This must have been very hard for you to write… but thank you for doing so. I am NOT an alcoholic or drug addict, I never was because I see how it affects the rest of my family. I like the last line you wrote “My name is anothersmith and I’m an alcoholic, but it’s not the only thing I am.” and I will be keeping that in mind when I think about myself as stupid or sad because of doing some depressing thing or a re-occuring situation in my life. 

Post # 16
Member
2869 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@happyface:  exactly, that’s the biggest thing I’ve learned as far as recovering from mental health issues myself as well as learning to work with them as a clinical social worker – you can have issues, you can have something ‘wrong’ with you, but the thing is, you cannot let it define you.  Yes, that is one aspect of your identity, but it’s not all of it. 

The topic ‘*UPDATE to "I'm in a mess. Need support and perspective."’ is closed to new replies.

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