- 3 years ago
- Wedding: September 2014
About a month ago I posted for the first time about my relationship issues. For anyone who wants to see that thread, here it is: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/ruminating-about-leaving-2-year-marriage-but-cant-imagine-following-through/
This is another extremely long one, so I’m sorry about that. I actually started writing a totally different post tonight than the one that is below. It was going to partially be an update to my situation (DH got rid of his x-box without me even asking and has been engaging more, grocery shopping, etc). The post was also going to comprise of a question for bees who have left non-abusive marriages in the past. I wanted to know how, in a non-abusive relationship that is otherwise sickly, people can get over all of the good things. In my own relationship the good things that immediately come to mind are the snuggles, especially those in the morning. When the first alarm goes off he always lovingly pulls me into his chest before we both fall asleep again for a few more minutes and it is just such a good, warm feeling. There’s also the nickname he has for me, which is just adorable. Or the fact that he makes me laugh SOO damn much. When we’re getting ready for work in the morning I’ll feel grumpy and tired at first, but he always says or does something hilarious and I just loose it with uncontrollable laughter that starts my day off right. But one of my favorites is that we have what is essentially a sacred handshake- we call it “lobstering”… this originated after watching friends when we were dating and one of the characters (I think it was Phoebe) was talking about how lobsters mate for life. This somehow evolved into this thing we do that is similar to a pinky promise but we make our hands in the shape of a lobster claw. I know that sounds silly, but it has come to mean a lot to us and we “lobster” for both the absolute most important of promises or even simply to emphasize a point. For example, if my husband thought I was teasing/fibbing about something I could say, “I’ll lobster you,” and he’ll know it wasn’t a joke. Again, I know this sounds silly but this is just one of those things that is so uniquely us and meaningful and could never accurately be replicated in another relationship.
So, I started this post wondering how to get over those things while also moving into the terrifying territory of having to maneuver single life, splitting finances, losing some of my best friends because they were his friends first, moving in with roommates, worrying about finding a place that will let me take my pets, etc. I started to freak myself out and it made me want to go running into his arms instead of finish the post. But instead of doing that I started trying to remind myself of what is wrong with our relationship and for the first time I forced myself to fully acknowledge that certain things are really F***ing wrong and that I’ve had some intense cognitive dissonance that allowed me to minimze things that are very anxiety provoking. I just have to tell you guys because by airing the “dirty laundry” I won’t have an excuse to keep ignoring this stuff anymore and it will help me stand strong.
Something that I didn’t mention in my other post is that my husband has some medical issues that he isn’t bothering to address despite having excellent health insurance. Some are minor like severe dandruff, to moderate; for example, he had to have an oral procedure on his gums due to not taking care of his mouth. The last one I consider to be as severe as a non-life threatening issue can be… (FYI, I know this is anonymous but writing this is super embarrassing for me and it also makes me embarrassed for him- GAHHH). I found out about 6 months ago that my husband has been struggling with fecal incontinence. I had kind of wondered about it before in the years prior because something always seemed off, but about 6 months ago is when he broke down crying to me and admitted that this has been happening ever since he tweaked something while lifting weights a few years back. He brought this up after I started addressing our lack of intimacy, and he said this was one of the reasons why he sometimes holds back. I was extremely understanding and offered to help him find a good specialist. He was grateful but then never followed up. He had all of last week and has all of this upcoming week off of work, so about a month ago I suggested again that he make his appointment for his vacation time even though it is an uncomfortable thing to address. He said ok, but again- nothing.
After he got rid of his x-box last week he started making an effort to participate in daily life with me. He even said he would go for a run with me, but the movement caused him to have an episode and we had to turn around to go home. I gently suggested again that he make his appointment with the specialist, but of course he hasn’t even lifted a finger regarding that. I know this is embarrassing for him, but it scares the shit out of me that I’m married to a 25 year old man who is content enough to be living with incontinence that his solution is to just never exercise and limit intimacy. I’m all for the “in sickness and in health” clause of traditional vows, but in cases where the person is actually trying to not be sick anymore or is incurable. It also scares me because one day we could have kids, and how can we deal with their normal kid-sicknesses or even just getting them to brush their teeth in the morning and at night when my own husband is ok with his current lifestyle? OH MY GOD. This is just so screwed up. If he officially found out from a doctor that this was incurable, I could support him through it. But to not even try?! I mean, I could personally imagine not trying out of embarrassment, but in that case I’d be obsessive about my hygiene and maintaining clean laundry and he doesn’t even do that.
People in the other post wondered if he was depressed. He is not. His family just functions this way and that is another thing that is overwhelmingly wrong with my life right now. I’ve spent so long trying to not judge my husband based on the actions of his family, especially because they are all nice to me. But I don’t respect them and I dread the holidays. His family is the type that will “always have each other’s backs” but other than that they are shallow and stagnant. His mom has an active work and family life, but she (and all of the other younger siblings) are ok living in a filthy home with bad plumbing and toilets that doesn’t always work right even though they can afford to fix them. These are things I can get past they have their own lives, but what I can’t get past is the way they treat animals. They repeatedly bring home animals that they then neglect and this has been excruciatingly painful for me since I am a major animal person. They even had a little dog that they left to live outside with no healthcare even though it was losing its fur and had a horrible limp. I almost called animal control on them when I first saw the limp and I horribly regret that I didn’t, but I was like a deer in the headlights and frozen in shock and dismay. I found out later that some random lady saw the dog running around on their property and thought he was a stray. My brother in law just let her think the dog was a stray so the she took him away (thank god).
It has disturbed me enough to write this out that I don’t even want to hit post, but I know I have to because I really need to be held accountable. I’m a much smarter person than my last few posts have made me sound- I swear! In every other way I’m a wonderful, dynamic, intelligent person- both in terms of academic/ career abilities and common sense. I’m passionate about people and animals, I am very book smart and I’m on a constant journey to improve myself in every way possible. Ironically, I have a fabulous job that I love in the field of mental health and I make a difference in the lives of people every damn day. I get promotions and I have the respect of the “higher-ups” at work. In terms of my looks, I’m no model but I do have attractive, put-together men ask me out and show interest. There is no reason for this insanity. This life that I am living just doesn’t make sense for me and it is such a stark opposite of who I really am- I am so beyond it and I need to get out before it makes me sick and depressed.
I’m going to tell my husband that I’m going to stay elsewhere for a while. I’ll need to be able to come back to this post to re-read it as well as to re-read responses that I’ll probably get asking if I’m insane for having stayed so long. The upsides of our relationship (some of which I talked about in the first paragraph) are going to rip out my heart so I need a reminder of why I’m doing this. I mentioned in a different post that he stood by me during the hardest time of my entire life, so giving up on someone who gave me such unconditional love and support when I needed it most will be tough. My husband’s heart is going to break since he really does love me, and his heartbreak is going to break mine.
I’m so glad for this anonymity. Thank you in advance, Bees.