Update to my "Ruminating about leaving 2 year marriage" thread

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
2579 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

sunbear :  we are here for you. You’ve laid out all your dirty laundry. And it stinks pretty bad. I remember your last post and I’m glad to see you are still working on leaving. 

Post # 3
Member
5891 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

 

 

But there was in me an awful thing, from almost the very beginning: a tiny clear voice that would not, not matter what I did, stop saying go.

Go, even though you love him.

Go, even though he’s kind and faithful and dear to you.

Go, even though he’s your best friend and you’re his.

Go, even though you can’t imagine your life without him.

Go, even though he adores you and your leaving will devastate him.

Go, even though your friends will be disappointed or surprised or pissed off or all three.

Go, even though you once said you would stay.

Go, even though you’re afraid of being alone.

Go, even though you’re sure no one will ever love you as well as he does.

Go, even though there is nowhere to go.

Go, even though you don’t know exactly why you can’t stay.

Go, because you want to.

Because wanting to leave is enough.

 

Post # 5
Member
1017 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

You are brave!

Must have been really hard to write all that out. It’s a huge plus that he got rid of his Xbox!

two questions I guess.. did you flat out tell him his hygiene and lack of getting medical attention has you considering divorce? Because if it was me I wouldn’t gently tell him anything, I’d tell him that those things make me want to leave…. and second question, do you love him?  

Edit: you didn’t say anywhere that you love him, just that you’d miss certain things so to an outsider it sounds like you are done

Post # 6
Member
2706 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

I think the only way you will shock him into change is by leaving.  If you leave and he cares enough, he’ll ask you what he can do to get you back and going to a specialist is obviously part of the answer.  If he doesn’t care, then you’re better off out anyway.

Post # 7
Member
553 posts
Busy bee

You seem a strong, compassionate woman. You can totally do this. He may even start making changes in order to keep you, but if not, at least you’d have made changes to keep yourself. 

All those wonderful things you mentioned are truely wonderful. But that relationship sounds very similar to the one i have with my closest friend and my husband

You will find it again, in someone you also can’t stop daydreaming about.  You’re a good person Bee. Even if you do this, its because you have too. x

Post # 9
Member
5161 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

I am going to answer your question about how you leave when there are “good things” like snuggles and nicknames.

The answer is because every relationship will have its own “good things” (even abusive relationships as if they were ALWAYS bad no one would stay; see the cycle of violence): snuggles, a shared language, nicknames, shared silly quirks and so on.

That you have those does not cancel out the bad things, and that you have those does not mean that relationship is special. I cannot recall off top of my head how much relationship experience you have prior to your husband, but I have had a few relationships prior to meeting my husband. They ALL had their own quirks and good things: I know there was nicknames, and lots of giggling at stupid things. But there was also bad – lots of miscommunications, or being on different pages, or just not being true partners, or secrets, or major incompatibilities over values or goals or lifestyles, and so on.

My husband and I also have nicknames, he is an excellent snuggler and loves to not only be physically affectionate, but is also verbally affectionate. We share a similar sense of humour and laugh with each other regularly. But that is not what makes our relationship special, it is not what makes our bond strong, it is not what had me know THIS is the man I wanted to spend my life with. That comes from being emotionally open and vulnerable, from having shared goals and values, from the great respect we have for each other, from being supportive of each other and having each others back, from being a true team on this life path together, from both being emotionally healthy and mature, from resolving to work through things as a team, but also for respecting each other’s individuality and individual life path, from making time for each other, from both striving to be emotionally aware and open, and on and on, all mixed with a healthy supply of “je ne sais quoi” that just had us both know THIS was that relationship, that each other was THAT person, we wanted for life.

There is just sooo much more to a healthy, fulfilling relationship than nicknames and good snuggles, but if you don’t expect more than that criteria you may be lulled into thinking that what you have is “good” or even “good enough”. 

Post # 10
Member
257 posts
Helper bee

Good for you for trying to hold yourself accountable, bee. You deserve better than this, and I know you can find it. Just be prepared for him to finally be willing to make changes once he realizes how serious you are. These are huge, fundamental changes that he would need to make, and I’m very skeptical that he could make them & make them stick. I worry that he’ll lure you back in by making changes but then over the months & years to come he’ll revert back to his old habits. Even if he improved his hygiene & gaming drastically & got his medical problems fixed, I think it’s quite likely you’d still end up with a man-child who doesn’t pull his weight around the house & isn’t truly a full partner to you, especially if you ever had kids. The gap between his behavior and the behavior of a good partner is just that huge. I’d personally only trust it if he lived by himself & maintained his new habits for years without you, so just keep that in mind. I’m sure it’ll be very hard to stay strong when he’s crying & begging & has even shown you that he’s changed somewhat, but just remember that you need more, and that means getting out of this relationship. 

Post # 11
Member
2395 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I’ll be the lone dissenter. This is jacked up. You don’t deserve him. Seriously. He seems like a much better person than you.  Have you already met someone else? Seriously. It seems like you’re cheating & searching for a “reason” to divorce. If that’s the case, just own it rather than tear your husband down.

Post # 12
Member
1505 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Your very long and detailed post makes it clear that your husband–and his family–is already at the BEC (b*tch eating crackers) stage with you.  Time to go.   

Post # 14
Member
2395 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

 

teacher-bee-in-the-sea :  umm. Yes. I read it. Sounds to me like she has someone on the side she’s interested in. Let me put it this way. She’s immature. She married a man, knowing his hygiene & personal habits. Knowing his family. So what’s changed?…. she’s probably met someone else. Grass is greener syndrome. She’s busy painting herself in this board as some sort of Saint … why?…. because she knows that mentally, she’s already moved on with “new guy” & it makes her feel better to justify her decisions if she can get a whole bunch of people to vilify her husband. 

My thought is, why isn’t she taking better care of her husband? Make the doctor appointment for him & go with him. Pretend you give a flying **ck about the guy. 

Post # 15
Member
4830 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

sunbear :   Would he let you go with him to see a GI doctor?  I have two family members with similar issues and having someone in the room for emotional support really made the difference.

Wishing you all the best.  

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