Update to my "Ruminating about leaving 2 year marriage" thread

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
5161 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

jannigirl :  There is absolutely NO indication in her other posts she is interested in someone else. You can realize that your own relationship is not healthy or what you need without having someone else in the wings.

I would not want to stay around a man who smelled like ass to the point others were spraying air freshener around him either, or I had to “mother” to actually eat some dinner or go to the fucking doctor because he is shitting himself (combined with the fact he wears the same dirty clothes for weeks on end and does not shower..ugh). She has given him all the tools to go to the doctor (offered to find specialists, etc), and he has made it clear he is not interested. He is a grown man, not a toddler.

I would not need “another man on the side” to know I do not want that sort of hygiene or unhealthy dynamic in a partner or a marriage, and to know yeah, the grass probably IS greener away from that. Because the grass on the other side probably gets to breathe fresh air. 

Post # 17
Member
7765 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

jannigirl :  Well that was caustic. Why do you assume the worst (that she has someone else on the side)? It doesn’t always take a crush on someone else to realize that you have serious issues in your own relationship.

Why isn’t she making the doctor’s appt for her own husband? Maybe because he’s an adult with autonomy over his own body and if he doesn’t want to go to the doc, that is his right? She’s encouraged him multiple times, offered to look up specialists, nagged him about scheduling it, but he won’t do it, and as frustrating as that is for the OP, when you’re an adult you really do have the right to determine your own medical care. Also who wants to be playing the role of nagging mother to your own husband?

Her husband is a man who doesn’t shower regularly, has incontinence issues that he refuses to seek treatment for–that are affecting their sex life–while he also refuses to do his laundry or even clean himself on a regular basis, doesn’t brush his teeth, etc. I think this kind of disgusting behavior would take its toll on anyone after awhile. It’s not about his medical condition–it’s about his total lack of responsibility in how he chooses to live with it.

OP, I will say that before you check out completely I think you owe it to your husband to have a serious talk about how his failure to address his medical issues combined with his poor hygiene is seriously making you consider divorce. He needs to know how bad it is. He threw out the xbox, which shows he is capable of change, so maybe there is hope that he’ll do the responsible thing for his health hygiene too?

Post # 18
Member
4252 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Have you aired your feelings to your husband?  Now is the time to do that.  It’s great that you’re getting things out here but that doesn’t help the issue at hand — your relationship with your husband.  It will be a hard conversation for sure, but one that you will need to have.  You need to tell him how you feel like his mother because he isn’t taking care of himself.  Tell him just how upset you are when he doesn’t make appointments to go to the doctor.  Tell him you are losing your attraction toward him because he isn’t taking showers.

Snuggles and cute names happen in pretty much every relationship ever.  They do not sustain a relationship.  And honestly the fact that those are the two “redeeming qualities” you can think of says a lot about the status of your marriage right now.  Honestly it is ok that you are feeling the way you do right now.  I think most anyone in your situation where they felt like they have to do everything for their spouse, including remind them to make doctor’s appointments and take showers (!!!) would feel like you do right now.

However you also need to give him a chance to hear you out and to understand where you are coming from.  If you have not had those tough conversations with him yet now is the time to do that.  Be completely open and completely honest.  His procrastination is affecting both of you.  Just as an example his digestive issues likely have gotten worse because he has not seen a doctor about them.  Even if it couldn’t be completely cured, at least he would know ways to treat it and to feel better.  I have Crohn’s so digestive issues are the story of my life, and I also know if I didn’t attend my regular doctor’s appointments I would be much worse off than I actually am.

Open up to him and be honest with him.  It may hurt him and you know what?  That will be an eye-opener for him.  He NEEDS to know these things.  He NEEDS to realize that he is sabotaging his marriage.  Come up with a plan together with how he will help to improve things, and in 6 months make the choice if things are actually improving.

Post # 21
Member
646 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

[content moderated for personal attack]

jannigirl :  I am in the same boat with you. Reading this, I felt something was off this time. I read two previous posts of her’s and was sympathetic but this one is different. He actually appears to be trying harder and she just keeps looking for more things to bury him with. HEALTH issues?!?! That is not a flaw, it’s a fucking crisis that he is suffering from that she has made it all about her!

A lot of Bees are going to read your posts and give you the sympathy and validation you require to end your marriage. I’m not going to do that. I think you do need to end your marriage. Not because he is wrong and you are right, he is bad and you are too good or even because you “deserve” better… or deserve anything at all. I am going to tell you to end your marriage so that your sweet, flawed and misguided husband can move on and find a woman who can love him the way we all deserve to be loved.

Clearly you were not mature enough to be married at 23—or even now at 25.

OP:
“I’m a wonderful, dynamic, intelligent person- both in terms of academic/ career abilities and common sense. I’m passionate about people and animals, I am very book smart and I’m on a constant journey to improve myself in every way possible. Ironically, I have a fabulous job that I love in the field of mental health and I make a difference in the lives of people every damn day. I get promotions and I have the respect of the “higher-ups” at work. In terms of my looks, I’m no model but I do have attractive, put-together men ask me out and show interest. There is no reason for this insanity. This life that I am living just doesn’t make sense for me and it is such a stark opposite of who I really am- I am so beyond it and I need to get out before it makes me sick and depressed.”

Oh geez. Get a grip and then get over yourself.

Post # 22
Member
7039 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

sunbear :  Here’s the thing about marriage…..you can be with a wonderful person and it still might not be fullfilling. That being said, I think what you have is salvagable if he’s willing to make an effort and you’re will to put aside the bitterness you feel. The grass isn’t always greener on the other side and you fell in love with and married him for a reason.

What I would do? I’d call and make the appointment for him. Then it’s time for a serious discussion. I think you need to be loving/kind, but firm. I’m sure it’s an incredibly embarassing situation for him – what 25 year old guy wants to have to see a doctor about incontinance? None!!! It can’t be all about what’s wrong, there needs to be some positives in there too.

I’d go to him and say:

“I love you, but this is ruining our marriage and I will not spend the rest of my life tip-toeing around this. It’s affecting our daily lives and it’s made me want to quit our marriage. We cannot live and enjoy life as long as this is a problem for you. I appriciate the changes you made but this is a huge hurdle you need to overcome. I’ve made an appointment for you on X date at Y time to see a doctor about this issue. I need to see you making a real effort to get this fixed and make a change, until that time I’ll be staying at XYZ.”

Post # 23
Member
900 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I can understand why you are unhappy, and you don’t deserve to be unhappy.  Nobody does.  You have every right to want him to work on his flaws and it sounds like there are some things that just absolutely need to change.  Immediate action needs to be taken.  I sense my opinion will be unpopular on this topic but I think it’s important to remind you that you promised this man that you would stick by him through the good and the bad and sickness and health.  A lot of people make those vows without truly comprehending how hard it actually is to do those things, naturally.  I think you owe yourself happiness, but I also think you owe it to this man (who is not abusive or cruel, and is going through a tough time himself) and this marriage a true shot at fixing things. I think in your case, that includes ultimatums and marriage therapy.  Right now, tell him how you feel, that you are unhappy, and the things that have to change.  Immediately make him a doctors appt and offer to go with him.  It sounds like he may need some individual therapy (I know you say he’s not depressed, but his lack of self care, video game addiction, the fact that he is  living in shame of an embarrassing medical issue make me think he possibly could be).  You shouldn’t be expected to live like this or to have to mother him the rest of your lives, but right now you need to be the strong and self sacrificing one, as he has done for you before.

If you feel like you just can’t handle this and don’t want to put in all of this work, I wouldn’t judge you.  I think many people would probably feel that way.  I just don’t truly think you can say you gave it your best shot if leave now.  Just my perspective.  Whatever you choose to do, I wish you luck and happiness!

Post # 24
Member
9130 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

I agree with many of the others here….tell him that his behavior is threatening your marriage and that unless something changes rapidly, you will have fallen out of love with him and can’t make your marriage work. When love is replaced by disappointment and resentment, as it is for you right now, it can be reallllllly hard to get back to that place of being in love.  

If you do end up leaving, it’ll be ok. It will be hard and heartbreaking for you both for a while, but you’ll have the chance to be in a fully mutually respectful relationship with a true partner, and he’ll have the chance to wake up and stop coasting and deal with life like an adult and then find love again. After a while, it will be such a relief for you not to have to deal with these issues. 

Post # 25
Member
4252 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

emmabird :  Oh boy.  Isn’t it obvious she has been trying to help him?  She has encouraged him to make doctor’s appointments.  She has encouraged him to get healthy.  She has encouraged him to take showers.  She has encouraged him to better himself.  When is enough, enough?  She has been at his side through all of this, and yet there really isn’t any change.  Health issues are a big deal, I agree with you there, but she has also helped to encourage him to make appointments with no results.  She has done all she can to help with that.

No relationship is worth staying with someone who can’t take care of him or herself, especially when it is basic things like taking a shower and brushing your teeth.  Marriage vows are sacred yes, but this is obviously a pretty extreme burden on the OP.  After you leave your parents’ care, YOU are the one responsible for making doctor’s appointments.  YOU are the one responsible for taking care of yourself.  NOT your spouse, NOT your mother, NOT a sibling…YOU.  Obviously the exceptions to this rule would be if someone was medically unable to take care of themselves, but this guy does not fall into that category.

Post # 26
Member
646 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

ljm308 :  Look, her story continues to evolve on reasons why she wants out. I have been following this for a while. There was a previous post to the previous post that she linked to. Each time he just get more and more repulsive.

She says that she suggests that he makes appointments but doesn’t seem very determined about it.

“I was extremely understanding and offered to help him find a good specialist. He was grateful but then never followed up.”

So then she never followed-up? Because if someone offers to help me find a specialist I expect them to be involved to a certain degree. She’s been ruminating about leaving him for months and months. I just don’t think she wants to put in the energy to help him when she has already mentally checked out.

He isn’t adulting well for a 25-year old. I am not arguing that. However, her reasons for why she wants to leave him all seem to revolve around how she is better than him. 

This is what she had to say about her husband and her pre-marriage in another rant:

“I was not even a little bit attracted to my husband when we met, but we became very close and our friendship naturally started moving towards a dating relationship. In the early stages the lack of attraction was hard to get over, but I also couldn’t imagine losing the relationship that we had.”

“I feel that in my own relationship the lack of attraction is just amplifying any issues that we have. After two years of this mess I almost don’t care if things get fixed, because on top of everything I so badly yearn to re-experience what it is like to be with someone I am attracted to.” 

Read more: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/did-anyone-here-learn-to-be-attracted-to-their-so/#ixzz4U3v4QYQL

Post # 27
Member
865 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

yeah this is a tough one… i see both sides here. 

i admit i’m shallow. i admit half the reason it didn’t work with my first husband was due to attraction and sexual chemistry. mostly shallow reasons. 

having said that, i do know that i 100% couldn’t leave someone this quickly after they confided in me with such a huge medical issue. that’s so cold. i understand the symptoms have been there for a long, long time. i understand you’re frustrated. sure you are grossed out and unattracted. but you only just now found out the cause. if anything that should relieve much of your misery over his past behavior. i agree with those that say you must state how big of a deal this is to him. you must tell him that if he doesn’t do this for himself, then you can’t handle being with anymore. he needs to know this. that’s called an intervention. and it’s fair to him. you’re married. doesn’t he deserve that? why is this so damn urgent that you give up now? why are you so ready to abandon him when he’s doing exactly what you wanted in your last post? he’s making progress!   

i’m sorry, bee. imho, this is absolutely cruel to abandon him now when he needs help through this. he finally admitted the problem. that took a lot of courage. now the next step is for him to get medical help. that may take some time too. this is a lot for him. he needs the encouragement and support. why are you in *such* a rush? even if the other two are “right” and you are shallow and full of yourself and just want out, that’s fine too. but can’t you help him through this first? he needs you. i know you aren’t his mother. but … well, i guess i’m just saying i could not live with the guilt this will cause if you just jet now. that’s pretty awful to leave someone in so much need. :/ 

also, i completely agree with the other bees that the good things you mentioned about your relationship are not special or unique. every relationship (even friendship) has that. that’s not a reason to stay. there must be deeper reasons, like RayKay had perfectly described. and that’s fine if you don’t have that and want to leave. but can’t you do the kind thing and help him first? he’s helped you. and would again, as you’ve described his love for you. think about it.  

Post # 28
Member
9579 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

 I’m actually somewhere between the two extremes i’m seeing in this thread.

While I do find the reasons you want to leave him right now strange/weak. (My Darling Husband is terrible about making doctors appointments too.. so I just make them for him and tell him where and when to show up…) I don’t think that suddenly means you need to stay with him.  

Whether or not you’re looking for excuses–if you want out, get out.  Maybe his years of being a man-child slob has made you fall out of love with him and what he’s doing now is too little, too late.  Maybe when you were 23 and starry-eyed his sloppiness didn’t seem like a big deal because often this idea that true love trumps practicality is shoved down our throats, and it’s taken a couple years of living with that and growing up to realize that that’s bogus.  

My point is–I don’t really care why you want out.  You want out, so get out.  I hope he finds a woman who is comfortable, competent, and content with taking care of a man-child and getting his health issues in line.  I hope you find someone who is better suited to you, too.  

***I say this assuming there are no kids.  My feeling about it being fine to end a marriage for selfish reasons dissapears the moment kids are involved.  Things then get nuanced.

Post # 29
Member
4252 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

emmabird :  She offered to **help** him find a specialist.  That means that he takes the lead and lets her know when he needs her help.  Not to mention it is also his responsibility to maintain good hygiene.  No spouse wants to have to nag their husband or wife to take a SHOWER  If this has been going on for years should she have married him?  Probably not.

I will say too I have significant health issues (Crohn’s which is a form of inflammatory bowel disease).  I had a major flare right before our wedding and even though my husband was incredibly supportive, he had no role in making appointments for me or coming to appointments with me.  That’s part of being an adult.  His issues are digestive so that may be embarrassing, but GI specialists literally deal with poop issues all day long.  I should know, I have had a GI specialist as a doctor for 11 years.  It is HIS responsibility to take charge of this.

Post # 30
Member
646 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

 

ljm308 :  

Help (definition): make it easier for (someone) to do something by offering one’s services or resources.

She hasn’t done anything.

And I know all about being responsible for one’s health. I have Celiac Disease, so I too have seen my fair share of specialists. I was so grateful when my mother took over for me and arranged appointments. I was hardly able to study when a doctor reccomended testing for cancers before we really knew anything. Health is scary. Support is needed. No matter how poopy it is. (Celiac Disease… it gets really poopy.)

She doesn’t love him. She is not attracted to him. She doesn’t want him to improve. She just wants out.

“I feel that in my own relationship the lack of attraction is just amplifying any issues that we have. After two years of this mess I almost don’t care if things get fixed, because on top of everything I so badly yearn to re-experience what it is like to be with someone I am attracted to.” 

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