Update to my "Ruminating about leaving 2 year marriage" thread

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
2180 posts
Buzzing bee

sunbear : It was really hard to keep reading this post after you described his family’s hobby of animal abuse. I hope you have a plan for the cats that do not involve them staying with him–you described how he failed to care for them in the previous post and it’s clear he wouldn’t start if you left.

I think you need to have an actual talk with him about the reasons you are seriously considering divorce. Have the backbone to tell him these (obvious) problems to his face before you peace out. Not because he needs the chance to win you back, but because he deserves to know why his marriage is ending. He has made decisions about how he wants to live his life, and those decisions mean you cannot stay. 

As for the bees scolding the OP for leaving too soon: where exactly is the line that has to be crossed when it’s “okay” for someone to leave a deeply dysfunctional relationship? Why is this marriage OP’s sole responsibility? What’s the reasonable alternative–dedicate her life to nannying an adult man? Continue the Sisyphean task of guiding him towards help for 3, 5, 10 more years? Who benefits from that?

Post # 32
Member
865 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

Speck_ :  for me, the line is her saying this is an absolute deal breaker. he goes to the doctor and starts treatment for all of his medical issues or she leaves. she needs to voice it first. not just hint. not assume he can read a mind. make adult statements and have a real intervention. she can even give a timeframe the first appointment should be made if she wants. and then if he doesn’t act, then bam – she can then leave knowing she tried her damnedest! 

for me that has to happen before she just up and goes. but that’s just my opinion.. 

Post # 33
Member
7764 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

emmabird :  “Help (definition): make it easier for (someone) to do something by offering one’s services or resources.”

Thanks for the definition, Webster, but it defeats your argument. She literally offered her services. From her original post: “I was extremely understanding and offered to help him find a good specialist.

 

Post # 34
Member
2180 posts
Buzzing bee

nifer317 :  I agree completely that the terms of a relationship need to be an ongoing conversation and always clear to all parties. That hasn’t happened here.

However, OP has made it plain that she is not emotionally available to her husband anymore and there’s just nothing left to build on. She checked out of the relationship a long time ago and not even a 180 in her husband will change that. I don’t think it would be fair or realistic to dangle the ‘change a-z about yourself and we’ll be okay’ carrot in front of him.

Post # 35
Member
4252 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

emmabird :  We will have to agree to disagree on this.

I disagree with her not “helping”.  She offered and put the ball in her court.  It is HIS responsibility to get this taken care of and tell her what he needs her to do.  And YES health issues are significant.  I am not disagreeing with you there.  I am saying that marriage is a partnership.  This relationship is MUCH more of a mother/son dynamic.  That would kill anyone’s attraction to someone else.  Yeah sometimes men are bad at going to the doctor.  I know my husband isn’t the best at making appointments, but I encourage him and he does it on his own.

If my husband ever stopped taking care of his hygiene I would lose my attraction to him pretty much immediately.  Anyone would.  This has obviously been going on for quite some time, but is it really the OP’s fault for not wanting to be his “mother”?

Post # 36
Member
4252 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

tiffanybruiser :  Thank you.  I can’t believe this is in question…good grief.

Post # 37
Member
865 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

Speck_ :  i guess. and i do agree with both sides of this. so i do agree with you too to a point. i just am struggling to see a good outcome for them both with this. for her, yep! she gets what she wants. but him? he gets a reason to never ever share intimate health issues with anyone ever again and slip into a deeper depression. i’m not certain i believe it when she says there isn’t ANY depression on his end. to me it screams depression without a doubt. (disclaimer: i’m not a doctor and i’m wrong a lot). i almost feel her saying that is to try to get us to buy that’s it’s ok to up and leave ASAP. he will be destroyed after this. especially once she leaves him after finally hearing about his secret. to him it will seem like that is the only reason she’s leaving. especially since she put up with filth for years, as if it was tolerable. but it seems like this new issue is the straw that broke the camel’s back. so that’s why i think helping him through this and then leaving is better. i just think it’s terrible that he’ll probably be forever traumatized over it. and i guess everyone thinks it’s ok to emotionally destroy him. i get it; he’s been shitty. but this just feels wrong. i can’t explain it?

it’s just an awful situation. i guess there’s no good “answer” here. every outcome has an awful side, ya know? 

Post # 38
Member
662 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

My only real question is why is all of this suddenly an issue? You mentioned hygiene (or at least dental hygiene) etc. seems to be a family issue, along with the issue of a dirty household and issues of neglect with their pets — you noticed this from the beginning but it was never a dealbreaker. It sounds like the issues you’re dealing with with your husband are just who he is, as he seems to be a product of his environment. So either he’s always been this way and you’ve just let it slide, or he’s done one hell of a job of keeping up a charade and being on his best behavior until you two got married. 

This relationship just sounds entirely immature, tbh. Marriage is a huge, lifelong commitment and you just now learned about a serious medical problem your husband has been suffering from? I understand it’s embarrassing, but you’re his wife. You also admitted to not even being attracted to him. This, on top of apparently not sharing important information, makes me wonder how much you two actually know about each other. It sounds like you were caught up in the excitement of actually having a relationship and getting constant attention — basically a honeymoon phase — that of course you said “Yes,” when he proposed. 

Don’t misread this, OP, I’m not saying what you’re dealing with is a walk in the park. But I don’t think your husband is entirely to blame in this situation. Your reasons for wanting out are valid, but really only if your husband’s behavior is a recent development and not something you’ve just been brushing aside for years. He needs to know why you want out and understand your side of the situation, but it’s a little unfair to bring it up as an issue now if it’s who he is and hasn’t been an issue before. If these issues have been present the entire time you two have been together, and you’re just now taking steps to address them (or not, just considering divorce), the blame should not be entirely on him — it’s on both of you for taking an underdeveloped relationship to marriage.

 

Post # 39
Member
2058 posts
Buzzing bee

What I found when my last relationship, before my marriage ended, is that it wasn’t losing the guy in particular that was tough it was … losing the whole life I had planned.  I think this coincides with your “good things”.  I lost my house, many mutual friends, the partner in a lot of memories and with that kind of the ability to reshare and recall certain memories, not forgetting but that I’m not going to sit around telling stories about things I did with my ex.  But overall it was very worth it because I wasn’t happy.  I never knew how easy and happy life could be until I met my husband.  I’ve been with him 3 years and I’m still in awe that this is my life now. 

Post # 40
Member
2180 posts
Buzzing bee

nifer317 :  I think it’s very fair to say that finding out his medical issue was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

She found out that some of the issues that directly impact his (and her!) quality of life are directly related to a medical problem…and then found out he just doesn’t care enough to seek any treatment whatsoever for that problem. She found out that avoiding certain kinds of embarrassment or inconvenience or whatever is more important to him than being able to participate in normal activites with her or keep himself clean. She can’t force him to decide otherwise. That’s a pretty reasonable dealbreaker and if it makes him sad, then it makes him sad. It’s not on her to martyr herself to protect him from the fallout of his own choices.

I think you’re making a lot of assumptions about his future and his mental health. I agree that there’s no easy way to go here, but it’s not beneficial to anyone for her to sacrifice more time and energy for someone who is genuinely comfortable living this way–and genuinely expects their partner to be comfortable with it too.

Post # 41
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

npoliver :  yes. I agree. I just feel so bad for him. He’s got obvious medical issues & his wife is looking to leave because she (let’s  be truthful) doesn’t love him. I think, in the end, he’ll be better off without her. It’s just going to be hard for the guy. 

She’ll be fine. Have a string of boyfriends who won’t live up to expectations… and maybe, then, eventually she’ll grow up enough to be worthy of being someone’s wife.

Post # 42
Member
662 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

jannigirl :  I think he has some work to do as well, though. He was comfortable enough to pledge his life to someone but not comfortable enough to disclose a medical issue before making that commitment? Sounds like lack of communication. Sadly, if this relationship ends, he’ll have an even harder time opening up about his issue to someone else and the cycle may just repeat.

Post # 43
Member
6833 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

jannigirl :  I’m not saying that the OP is completely right and her husband is completely wrong in this situation (I think they’ve both handled certain aspects of this situation poorly to say the least), but you’re painting this whole thing with a very broad and crazy brush. It seems like you think the OP is some evil sub-human or something. No one knows the full story here. 

Post # 44
Member
328 posts
Helper bee

jannigirl :  Wow, why so tough on the OP? String of boyfriends is better than settling with someone who clearly has some hygiene issues and lack of respect for one’s body. Dental and bunga issues are deal breakers to me. So are man boys who play video games all day in filth. Gross. It’s not working out for her, but your portrayal of her as some high and mighty princess is someone harsh and aggressive. 

Post # 45
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

npoliver :  sounds like this issue has come up over the last 2 years… not to mention that denial is a pretty strong emotional response. People don’t just expect to have those kind of problems at that age.  

It’s obvious that he has a job, so it’s not like he’s so unpresentable or lazy that he suffers financially. They are saving for a house, so he does have goals for the future. 

(Im sticking to my theory that she is interested in someone else, probably someone from work) and therefore is giving us the hard- sell as to how terrible he is. 

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