Update to my "Ruminating about leaving 2 year marriage" thread

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 46
Member
865 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

Speck_ :  well like i said, i do agree with you some. just not all.

you say i’m making assumptions. but so are you. we all are! we only ever get one side of the story. so you just really never know what the truth is. my assumption is he’s depressed and needs helped. yours is that he isn’t and is an awful selfish person, as OP described. i get it. us going back and forth about that here won’t help. neither can be “proven” right. even if OP comes back to support one of us, who even knows then what’s really true! 

i just question it all. i apologize for being an idiot and totally overlooking the confession about his health having been 6 months ago. i guess in my mind i jumped to what made sense and assumed (you are correct there) that he told her this after her last post which was only 4 weeks ago. dont you think that was a rather huge thing to leave out in that post then, if she knew? maybe she’s embarrassed so she left it out? doubtful. the whole story is horribly embarrassing. why hide that too? why did she let us go on for pages about how gross he is and hide that fact? especially when she was then defending him. to me, it doesn’t add up. 

i agree with the person above that said it more eloquently than i will: this is all just so immature. i wanted to help him because i still feel that he needs a medical intervention in a lot of ways. but maybe no one should bother since it’s been 6 months and he hasn’t helped himself enough? should we all side with you and kick him more while he’s down? maybe. but kick her too for stringing him along all this time. the more we dissect, the more i agree this shouldn’t have been a marriage. it was a train wreck when it started.  she never seemed to love him. so …. what’s the point of this anyhow again? lol. sorry for the laugh. but …  

Post # 47
Member
30 posts
Newbee

I can’t beleive I live in a world where not having basic hygiene as an adult is somehow ok. I can’t believe I live in a world where grown men play on xbox all day. I can’t beleive I live in a world where you are supposed to marry someone and if they gain 200 pounds, you just have to sit there and take it because of your sacred wedding vows.

Oh no…no no no 

Post # 48
Member
1513 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Like a couple of other bees like jannigirl :   and emmabird :  in this thread, I also feel frustration towards the OP.  Although for different reasons.  My problem is, I don’t see why there needed to be not one not two but three threads about whether she should leave her husband.  

None of these posts are short either.  Each of them is a loooooong litany of how put upon she has been all of these years, and how she is miles and leagues better than her husband and his family.

Look you obviously want to leave.  So just leave.  

Why do you need us Internet strangers to bless your decision?  You don’t.  Even if you just wanted to leave your husband, for no effing reason at all, that’s still your prerogative and nobody else’s damn business.  

Why do you have to air this poor guy’s dirty laundry (literally? Lol) in front of Internet strangers, in such long-winded and excruciatingly precise detail?  Repeatedly even?  He sounds like nobody’s dream spouse, but he’s still a person who deserves basic respect.  Would he appreciate you having done this?  

Plus as some PPs have pointed out, a large part of the problems you’re having with him has been there since the beginning.  Why did you even marry him then?  I’m not too convinced by the paragraphs in your original posts touting how much better you are than your husband.  Birds of a feather flock together.  My thinking is if you really could’ve done that much better than your husband, then you wouldn’t be married to him in the first place. 

 

Post # 49
Member
646 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

ljm308 :  It’s pretty obvious from the majority of the threads that this lady has written and comments she replied to that she never should have married this man. She isn’t in any emotional turmoil over the end of her relationship. She said it, herself, that her biggest concern is financial and where she is going to live and the prospect of having roommates. These superficial details are the only thing keeping her in the marriage (her words).

The breakdown of this marriage is on her shoulders. She doesn’t love him. She is not even attracted to him. This is what happens when you make a choice to marry someone for the sake of marrying. She claims that she has been struggling with his habits for 2 years. That’s her entire marriage!

She chose to be in a relationship with a man that she considers to be beneath her. If my man stopped showering (oh yes, that would be a disaster as I insist that his sweaty gym clothing goes right into the washer instead of the hamper) I would address it and be super concerned. My SO not showering would be completely out of character for him. As far as I read, her husband’s hygiene issues have been a 2-year ordeal and I doubt just started the day after the honeymoon.

However, for the medical issues, they have no idea what is really going on. He suspects that he did something while lifting weights but has not seen a doctor. Her nonchalant attitude towards his health is appalling. Everyone can write it off as “,he’s an adult. He needs to make his own appointments. He needs to follow up. blah blah blah.” Is that HOW you support the person you love?

I’m sorry but If my husband told me he was suffering from fecal incontinence, right now, we’d be heading to the ER. A 25 year old man losing control of his bowels can be any number of serious diseases. The fact that she just throws this concern on top of the laundry list of reasons she wants out of her marriage is disgusting.

Don’t get me wrong. She needs to leave this guy. But she also should have NEVER married him.

Post # 50
Member
646 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

tiffanybruiser :  but then proceeded to do nothing so it is debatable.

Post # 51
Member
900 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

beverlykay :  nobody is suggesting she just sit there and take it ? Where has any one said she needs to just shut up and sit down and let him do his thing and be gross? 

Post # 52
Member
4252 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

emmabird :  It’s not solely on her shoulders.  But obviously you have it out for the OP so I won’t even waste my breath.

Post # 53
Member
7767 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

emmabird :  Again, he’s a grown man. She’s offered to help him find doctors and repeatedly encouraged him to seek treatment. But at the end of the day she’s his wife, not his mother, and if he’s too embarrassed or scared or whatever to deal with this then that is his perogative, sad as it is. 

Why, in your view, does the OP bear the full responsibility for her husband’s health? Where is his responsibility in all this? It seems like, to you, anything short of physically dragging her husband to the doctor against his will = gross negligence by the OP and a total unconcern for his health. Very strange logic.

Post # 54
Member
646 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

ljm308 :  I think the evidence speaks for itself.

Post # 55
Member
646 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

tiffanybruiser :  It’s clear that this man does not take responsibility for any aspect of his life. But, like I mentioned previously, these issues in their marriage—health issue aside—have been going on for the entirety of their marriage and I doubt just cropped up the day after the honeymoon.

But honestly, the thing that bothers me the most about the health issue is that she could care less. It doesn’t scare her. It repulses her.

She doesn’t love him and admits that she has never been attracted to him. She comes here and spreads out her husband’s dirty laundry and laps up the sympathy and validation like milk. This is her third thread she has done this with. She really just needs to leave the poor bloke. 

Post # 56
Member
4252 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

tiffanybruiser :  I completely agree with you.  I think the health issue is just “one more thing” that broke the camel’s back.  If I had to baby my significant other to go to the doctor, I would be very turned off.  I am not his mother.  Same goes here.  Maybe it was how he was raised, I don’t know, but this is something that just adds to the stress of the relationship.  I am sure she cares about him, but seriously who wants to either a.) make an appointment for her husband who is perfectly capable or b.) drag his ass to the ER?  No one I know would put up with that shit.

Post # 57
Member
2400 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

ToppyAidan :  she’s posted 3 different posts about how terrible he is. From her description, he is hideously deformed, has very poor disgusting hygiene, and is suffering from incontinence. He’s also super lazy…. oh my.

But we also know from her posts that he makes more money than her. Works full time. Is studying for his masters and works out (lifting weights & running). He is held in high esteem & viewed positively by co-workers. During what is obviously not alot of down time, he plays video games. 

So. There’s that.

How can he be wearing dirty clothes for weeks at a time & literally not showering for weeks given that the OP told us in other threads that “nobody would suspect” how disgusting he is?

It doesn’t add up. 

 

Post # 58
Member
646 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

jannigirl :  I know, right!

The hygiene thing is not the most appealing but I don’t quite understand how a dirty and smelly man can be held to such high esteem at work or—for that matter—spend exuberant amounts of time playing video games while studying for his masters.

But we only have her words to go on. I think the most revealing thing about all of her threads boil down to her decision to marry a man she not only isn’t attracted to but doesn’t even like. Two years is a long time to be married someone who repulses you. However, like I mentioned before, these issues were probably present before the marriage.

She must have seen some kind of redeeming qualities to marry him.

Post # 59
Member
2400 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

emmabird :  that’s why I think that she’s found someone else. She “deserves better”… which means that she’s likely already found someone she deems better. 

And like others have said, if that’s what she wants, then go for it. Just don’t pretend that she’s got some great excuse to leave him. Own it. If she’s trashing him here, just imagine what she’s doing IRL. His “secret” medical issue probably isn’t going to be secret anymore.

Post # 60
Member
646 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

jannigirl :  She hasn’t mentioned a love interest but I wouldn’t expect her to. She is the victim in all of her threads. She did write this, however: “In terms of my looks, I’m no model but I do have attractive, put-together men ask me out and show interest.” So who knows, maybe she does want to free herself up for some of these attractive and put-together men who all seem to be clamoring to be with her.

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