- 4 years ago
- Wedding: September 2012
Well, it’s been nearly 2 months since I posted about the misery I was in when my baby was not even 11 weeks old. I really appreciated the support, advice and perspective I received. I truly felt like I was at the end of my rope. I felt so weak. Like a bad mom. I felt like I was failing.
I ended up going on anti-depressants, but oddly enough, pretty much the day I started taking them, before it even had a chance to take effect, I started feeling so much better. I think it was because he started sleeping better around that same time. Sleep makes all the difference in the world! There’s a reason why forced sleep deprivation is used to torture people. 🙁 I think the turning point was when he stopped needing to eat every 2 hours. Now he eats every 3 hours, which means he can take consistent 45 minute to 2 hour naps in between feedings. I’m also able to consistently put him down sleepy but awake, in his crib! No more pushing a stroller completely exhausted through my neighborhood, desperately hoping he will close his eyes for 30 minutes.
I stopped feeling like I was being put to the test every couple hours, always anxious if this would be the day my milk supply dropped even further, making it pointless to continue. Terrified that I would fail to get him to sleep more than an hour during the day, leading to a fitful night of waking up every 2-3 hours. Now he often wakes up only once a night (most recently twice a night, but I think/hope it’s the 4-month sleep regression and only temporary). I can deal with temporary. Before I felt like I was staring down into a deep dark abyss, not knowing where the bottom was.
My life felt turned upside down. All the things that were familiar, fun and comforting to me felt out of reach. Now I feel like I have the hang of this whole mom thing. I actually enjoy it almost 100% of the time now. I feel like I have some control, that I understand and can meet his needs. I look forward to seeing him smile and laugh when he first sees me in the morning. I’ve gone out on several girls nights, house parties, and date nights. We even took him on an 8-mile hike with friends! I’m positive there will be some rough times ahead, but now I have the good times with my baby to remember and draw strength from.
I work part time from home at the moment, but less than a month from now I will be back to work full time. And I never thought I’d say this, but I actually wish I could continue this part time work schedule I have going. Now don’t get me wrong. I’m still not the SAHM type, but I know I’ll miss him so much when I’m back in the office!
So, I hope this gives some hope for all you new, scared, and possibly depressed moms out there. I know, I heard time and time again that it gets better, and I know too well how hard that is to believe. But try your hardest! You will get through it!