Post # 1
I posted a few months ago https://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/cant-figure-out-if-my-husband-wants-kids/
Most bees recommended having a good talk with my husband.
My husnand and I are planning to retilre early (when I am 35 and he will be 40+) and the other day he stared talking about us buying property down south – the 1 step towards our goal because we want to split our time between our home in North America and a vacation property in the Caribbean or Latin America.
While discussing all of this he brought up the topic of kids himself and said that for sure he doesn’t mind having kids but if we want to have this lifestyle we really have to think about it beforehand which certainly makes sense.
I was very happy that he started this conversation himself and asked him (twice) – are you trying to tell me you are childfree and leaning towards a childfree lifestyle? I said it in a very non-confrontational manner. To which he said – absolutely not, we can totally have one kid with this lifestyle no problem (I never wanted more than 1 kid – we discussed this before)
I also pointed out that even though I wanted a childfree lifestyle in the past I am not quite sure about it anymore and I am leaning towards having kids (meaning one kid). He said that’s ok but I have to make up my mind in the next 2-3 years because we have to plan accordingly. He also said that if by 35 I am still not sure then it maybe means I never really wanted kids. He said it nicely, but firmly.
I agree because expat lifestyle is a bit different and it sure complicates a lot of things. But we are used to travelling a lot, just not with kids.
Anyways, it was a very good conversation BUT I can’t help but notice that he shifted the weight of making this decision to me again.
He never talked about what timeline he sees for us in regards to having a kid just that I have to make up my mind but I already did. I told him I am not childfree anymore and he knows I want the lifestyle we talked about…
Post # 2
Are you okay with him setting the 2-3 year limit on your child bearing decision? What if you want 5 years to decide? Or more? Why does he feel the need to be firm about your time limit? Why not be safer with the time limit and over plan? Whats wrong with 2-7 “just in case?”
It’s totally fine if you are fine with 2-3 years but I’m not sure that was your decision.. was it?
Post # 3
I am totally fine with 2-3 year plan to start ttc. I am 30 and waiting longer would not be a good idea. It was more about the story behind it. In my original post I said that I was more of a fencesitter leaning towards being childfree, while my husband wanted to have a kid, then later I realized that we might have switched positions. Now I am leaning towards having a kid and was trying to find out where he’s at. I just don’t like the fact that he thinks it all depends on my choice, I wish he suggested a more concrete timeline and was a more active participant
Post # 4
I don’t really understand the problem bee. Do you want to set a specific timeline for TTC? Because it sounds like he’d be down as long as it’s within the next 5 years. He sounds like he’s happy to have a child but could also be happy child free. That’s a valid stance! If YOU know you want to have a child at a certain time then just tell him and make the plan.
Fwiw I had to set all the TTC related timelines with my husband because he was in no rush and I was more eager to get started. For both babies I initiated the TTC convo, told him when I’d like to start trying, and then he mulled it over for a bit and agreed to the plan. It’s just what worked for our relationship.
Post # 5
It sounds to me like he has become accustomed to the idea of being child free, but wants to make sure that you are happy.
Would your retirement plans get pushed if you had a kid? Or would you have to sacrifice something to get there? I don’t have kids myself, but I know that they can be expensive.
What age were you when you met? I 100% no questions asked, wanted kids when I was in my 20s, but when I hit 35 (divorced at 32), I decided that I was fine without kids.
Post # 6
I am not sure what you want from him. It sound like he is leaving it up to you because he is fine either way. You said you were a fence sitter before so I think he just wants you to tell him what you’ve decided? “Leaning towards having a kid” is very different from “I want to have a kid”. “Leaning towards” still sounds like fence sitting, just a bit more to one side. I think you need to tell him concretely what you want, then from there you both can come up with a timeline that will work.
Post # 7
It sounds like one of 2 things is happening. Either he doesn’t feel like the globetrotting lifestyle you’re both planning would be fair to a child and he wants to make sure you’re also considering that perspective. OR he just doesn’t really want kids and doesn’t want to tell you that.
Not to be a wet blanket, but just something to consider: If you have a child with a man who doesn’t really really REALLY want a kid, your life is gonna be hell. My husband had a similar mental shift about kids. At the time we got engaged, he desperately wanted a baby with me and by the time we got serious about making it happen, he was talking more like he was ok with it if I wanted it. I love my daughter, but motherhood is incredibly lonely and unsatisfying when your partner is not all in. My advice is to make sure he wants this as much as you do or that you’re happy to do it almost alone.
Post # 8
I met my husband when I was 25 and he was 32. We live very comfortable financially, money is not the issue, so haing one kid would be no problem at all, it’s more about the expat lifestyle that worries both of us actually. But he reassured me that we can have a kid even if we have this lifestyle, it’s just we have to decide in the next few years, because it requires extra planning, even the place we buy will have be kid-friendly, in regards to expat schools and everything. Yes, I agree that I can start the ttc conversation myself if I want to. Thank you for sharing your experience @emilyofnewmoon
I think you are right.
And sorry for the way I phrase things, English is not my first language. When I said leaning towards having one kid I actually meant that I decided that I was no longer childfree because when I imagine myself not having a kid it does upset me quite a bit. I thought about it for quite some time. It wasn’t an overnight decision:)
In regards to the kids issue, he told me I was wrong in assuming he is childfree, in fact he still wants to have one kid (just like many years ago) but yes I do feel like he is putting the decision making responsibility on me and it’s not how I like it especially when it comes to kids. I want it it be a mutual decicison through and through and if he has a timeline in mind (and it seems like he does) then I would want him to share it with me and talk more about it. You might be right that he holding back but he is usually a very honest and open person. He did start this conversation himself so maybe that’s a good sign and when I asked him questions he was happy to answer and reassure me. I just have a feeling he thinks I am still not 100% sure, hence him saying, you have to decide in the next 2-3 years but…I kind of already did
Post # 9
You’re going to be able to retire at 35?!
Post # 10
l know, l couldn’t get past that either……..retiring at 35 does not sound very attractive to me, unless you have a lot of money ( which does sound as if it is the case) and big plans for philanthropy or volunteering or an absorbing occupation like painting or writing .
Post # 11
It seems like your husband is being very supportive and that you’re both on the same page. A child doesn’t necessarily hinder you from travel or living abroad. If it’s something that makes both of you happy, then go for it!!
Post # 12
It sounds to me like you want him to make the decision for you, and he’s not comfortable doing that – which, I can understand. I hear you that you want the two of you to make the decision together, but at some point that has to start with one of you saying, definitively, “yes, I want to have a child”. You’re not saying that either, so I’m not really sure it’s fair to be so focused on whether HE wants children. In my opinion, until you both say that clearly and emphatically, you shouldn’t be having them, and if neither of you wants to be first, well….there’s your answer.
Post # 13
Your husband’s response sounds like me in my conversations with my husband about having a second child. Which was basically- I’m open to it. I’m fine without it. I can see and make a happy life either way, if YOU really want this this is my firm timeline for remaining open to this.
Post # 14
I agree. DH and I both wanted one child, but he was fine with waiting longer, while I was more eager to start trying. I brought it up and suggested a timeline, he mulled it over and suggested one a few months later, which I thought was fine. The closer it got, the more excited he got, which has carried over into my pregnancy (due this month!).
OP, if you have a timeline that you want to start trying, I would just ask him what he thinks about it. It does sound like a bummer that he was a bit lackluster in his response, but maybe as it gets more real, he will be more excited like my DH has been.
Post # 15
OP, do you think maybe the reason you want your husband to be more decisive about the timeline for TTC is because you yourself are still feeling a little indecisive/ambivalent? Perhaps you’re needing more of a push from hin because you have some insecurity about whether this is what you really want? I could be totally off base here, just throwing out ideas for you to consider.
I knew 100% that I was ready to start trying for both our babies. Like total conviction. So I was the one that brought the subject up. If I had waited around for DH to announce “LET’S DO THIS!”, we might not have any children yet lol.
Sure it woulda been nice if my husband had been the one eager to talk timelines and get the ball rolling with TTC, but that wasn’t our reality. He knew abstractly he wanted kids at some point, but TTC just wasn’t super duper on his radar as like an urgent thing we needed to be doing. But once I expressed the timeline I had in mind, he got on board pretty quick, and he’s an amazing, devoted father to our toddler. So for him, the laid back /more passive attitude about TTC absolutely did not translate to being a lackluster or unengaged father.