UPDATE to not sure if my husband wants kids

posted 5 days ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
633 posts
Busy bee

Are you okay with him setting the 2-3 year limit on your child bearing decision? What if you want 5 years to decide? Or more? Why does he feel the need to be firm about your time limit? Why not be safer with the time limit and over plan? Whats wrong with 2-7 “just in case?” 

It’s totally fine if you are fine with 2-3 years but I’m not sure that was your decision.. was it? 

Post # 4
Member
2988 posts
Sugar bee

I don’t really understand the problem bee. Do you want to set a specific timeline for TTC? Because it sounds like he’d be down as long as it’s within the next 5 years. He sounds like he’s happy to have a child but could also be happy child free. That’s a valid stance! If YOU know you want to have a child at a certain time then just tell him and make the plan. 

Fwiw I had to set all the TTC related timelines with my husband because he was in no rush and I was more eager to get started. For both babies I initiated the TTC convo, told him when I’d like to start trying, and then he mulled it over for a bit and agreed to the plan. It’s just what worked for our relationship. 

Post # 5
Member
4077 posts
Honey bee

It sounds to me like he has become accustomed to the idea of being child free, but wants to make sure that you are happy.  

Would your retirement plans get pushed if you had a kid?  Or would you have to sacrifice something to get there?  I don’t have kids myself, but I know that they can be expensive.

What age were you when you met?  I 100% no questions asked, wanted kids when I was in my 20s, but when I hit 35 (divorced at 32), I decided that I was fine without kids.

 

Post # 6
Member
1349 posts
Bumble bee

I am not sure what you want from him. It sound like he is leaving it up to you because he is fine either way. You said you were a fence sitter before so I think he just wants you to tell him what you’ve decided? “Leaning towards having a kid” is very different from “I want to have a kid”. “Leaning towards” still sounds like fence sitting, just a bit more to one side. I think you need to tell him concretely what you want, then from there you both can come up with a timeline that will work.

Post # 7
Member
216 posts
Helper bee

It sounds like one of 2 things is happening. Either he doesn’t feel like the globetrotting lifestyle you’re both planning would be fair to a child and he wants to make sure you’re also considering that perspective. OR he just doesn’t really want kids and doesn’t want to tell you that. 

Not to be a wet blanket, but just something to consider: If you have a child with a man who doesn’t really really REALLY want a kid, your life is gonna be hell. My husband had a similar mental shift about kids. At the time we got engaged, he desperately wanted a baby with me and by the time we got serious about making it happen, he was talking more like he was ok with it if I wanted it. I love my daughter, but motherhood is incredibly lonely and unsatisfying when your partner is not all in. My advice is to make sure he wants this as much as you do or that you’re happy to do it almost alone.

 

Post # 9
Member
520 posts
Busy bee

You’re going to be able to retire at 35?!

Post # 10
Member
10403 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

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@melearenee:  

l know, l couldn’t get past that either……..retiring at 35 does not sound very attractive to me, unless you have a lot of money ( which does sound as if it is the case) and big plans for philanthropy or volunteering or an absorbing occupation like painting or writing . 

Post # 11
Member
2983 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

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@tess90:  It seems like your husband is being very supportive and that you’re both on the same page. A child doesn’t necessarily hinder you from travel or living abroad. If it’s something that makes both of you happy, then go for it!! 

Post # 12
Member
729 posts
Busy bee

It sounds to me like you want him to make the decision for you, and he’s not comfortable doing that – which, I can understand.  I hear you that you want the two of you to make the decision together, but at some point that has to start with one of you saying, definitively, “yes, I want to have a child”.  You’re not saying that either, so I’m not really sure it’s fair to be so focused on whether HE wants children.  In my opinion, until you both say that clearly and emphatically, you shouldn’t be having them, and if neither of you wants to be first, well….there’s your answer. 

Post # 13
Member
7263 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

Your husband’s response sounds like me in my conversations with my husband about having a second child. Which was basically- I’m open to it. I’m fine without it. I can see and make a happy life either way, if YOU really want this this is my firm timeline for remaining open to this.

Post # 14
Hostess
5004 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2016

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@cart:  I agree.  DH and I both wanted one child, but he was fine with waiting longer, while I was more eager to start trying.  I brought it up and suggested a timeline, he mulled it over and suggested one a few months later, which I thought was fine.  The closer it got, the more excited he got, which has carried over into my pregnancy (due this month!).  

OP, if you have a timeline that you want to start trying, I would just ask him what he thinks about it.  It does sound like a bummer that he was a bit lackluster in his response, but maybe as it gets more real, he will be more excited like my DH has been. 

Post # 15
Member
2988 posts
Sugar bee

OP, do you think maybe the reason you want your husband to be more decisive about the timeline for TTC is because you yourself are still feeling a little indecisive/ambivalent? Perhaps you’re needing more of a push from hin because you have some insecurity about whether this is what you really want? I could be totally off base here, just throwing out ideas for you to consider.

 

I knew 100% that I was ready to start trying for both our babies. Like total conviction. So I was the one that brought the subject up. If I had waited around for DH to announce “LET’S DO THIS!”, we might not have any children yet lol.

Sure it woulda been nice if my husband had been the one eager to talk timelines and get the ball rolling with TTC, but that wasn’t our reality. He knew abstractly he wanted kids at some point, but TTC just wasn’t super duper on his radar as like an urgent thing we needed to be doing. But once I expressed the timeline I had in mind, he got on board pretty quick, and he’s an amazing, devoted father to our toddler. So for him, the laid back /more passive attitude about TTC absolutely did not translate to being a lackluster or unengaged father. 

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