UPDATE to not sure if my husband wants kids

posted 4 days ago in Family
Post # 16
Member
9952 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

My husband told me he would be fine either with or without children. I don’t think that’s a bad thing.

I would just keep in mind that once your child is school age they probably aren’t going to want to switch schools back and forth constantly, or leave their friends all summer. Many sports and other activities also require year-round participation. So you may be more limited as far as the split location life-style if you want your child to be be able to pursue their own interests.

Post # 20
Hostess
5000 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2016

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@tess90:  FWIW, I have relatives who live the ex-pat life and have children, and their children had great experiences living abroad and moving around.  I don’t think it hampered them at all, in fact, they are all adults now and got into excellent schools and seem quite mature for their age from experiencing different cultures.  They are all well traveled and multi-lingual, which is very cool!

Post # 22
Hostess
10466 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL

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@tess90:  So it sounds like you made your decision. You want to have them. Next step would be firmly telling him you want children, and making a plan together on what needs to be done to prepare accordingly. If he’s been vague about the timeline, then either have another conversation, or tell him when you want to have a child. Just remember that you’re not guaranteed to get pregnant right away.

Post # 23
Member
731 posts
Busy bee

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@tess90:  Well, in that case, no offense intended but, it seems to me like you have a communication problem. 

I already made a decision“.  Great.  Then you should make sure that he realizes your decision has been made.  It wasn’t clear in this thread because when you say things like “I am leaning towards having kids” and “though I wanted a childfree lifestyle in the past I am not quite sure about it anymore”, it sends the message that you are still on the fence.  Perhaps he sees it that way too. 

and asked him …are you trying to tell me you are …leaning towards a childfree lifestyle? I said it in a very non-controntational manner.”  I’m reading between the lines here and may be wrong, but I hope for your sake you are not tip-toeing around this subject and saying things because you hope they are what he wants to hear.  Conversations about whether or not to have children ought to be very open and very honest and not at all dependent upon what you think the other person is thinking.  Just wanted to throw that out there. 

He did start this conversation himself so maybe that’s a good sign.”  See above.  This is no time for signs or signals that can get misinterpreted.  

it seems like he is giving me an extra 2-3 years to decide.  I was thinking its either because he doesn’t really want kids and just waiting it out or doesn’t think I really want them because of what I said in the past“.  Again, a lot of wondering and supposing here.  So, when you feel he is giving you an extra 2-3 years to ‘decide’, what is your response to that?  If it’s literally anything other than, “I have decided.  I am sure.  I want a child”, then you are not being clear to him.  And if you are not being clear, then I can’t really blame him for wanting to keep the timeline fluid — he may not want to get all mentally invested in the concept only for you to still be on the fence a year from now.  So, your next conversation should really be something like, I am positive that I want a child and that’s not going to change – when can we start trying to conceive.  

Good luck to you.  I’m not trying to nitpick on your words, by the way, just trying to get you to understand that from at least my perspective, you still sound pretty wishy-washy, so I’m wondering if you have made yourselfe crystal clear to him, leaving no room for interpretation.  

Post # 24
Member
2228 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

It sounds to me like your sit down conversation was good for you both. However, it sounds like you weren’t absolutely clear in telling him that you have already made a firm decision that you want a kid. You’re telling us that you want a kid pretty clearly, but your husband is the one who really needs to know that! 

From what you’ve shared with us, he sounds very supportive either way, and really, as long as that support is genuine, there’s no reason why you should feel insecure on his end of things. I’m with 

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@emilyofnewmoon and wonder if maybe you’re insecure about his position on this because you’re not fully comfortable yet with your decision to have a kid? 

Post # 26
Member
598 posts
Busy bee

For the people criticizing early retirement – there are a lot of meaningful ways to spend your time that don’t revolve around making money, or simply aren’t your typical 9-5 making money for someone else. 

As for the timeline – it honestly just sounds like he would be happy with your life together either way, which is fair. My husband and I were both like that originally. We just saw it as two very different, but equally positive paths, each with its own set of benefits and challenges. At some point I realized I did want one, talked with my husband, and he jumped on board immediately. I just found out I’m pregnant and he’s over the moon, it’s literally all he can talk about. 

Are you maybe worried that he won’t be invested in the baby? Being happy with either choice doesn’t have to mean that he’s indifferent. It may just mean that he thinks you could be very happy in both situations. Just keep the discussion open and pay attention to how you feel. (I personally couldn’t decide at all in til I was 34 and then I was suddenly SURE sure)

Post # 27
Member
2978 posts
Sugar bee

Add me to the list of those who would be over the moon to retire at 35! If you can swing it friggin more power to you bee!

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