UPDATE to Ranting and Raving! FI's Family Drama Is Driving Me Crazy

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
421 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

If they are not willing to admit what they did and sincerely apologize, and you know for sure you’re not blowing it out of proportion, I would not change anything.

Post # 3
Member
4864 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Flying monkeys and triangulation. Classic narc move. Try JADE. No contact, no discussion. You’ll never stop the smear campaign. Don’t respond to it because they all report back to her which fuels her narc supply. Grey rock that situation. 

Post # 4
Member
1273 posts
Bumble bee

Not sincere at all, because no apology was offered and no admission of wrongdoing was acknowledged. They want a relationship with their brother, but they also want to treat you like shit. They don’t get to have both. You and your Fiance should kindly tell them that if they really meant it, they would apologize for being jerks to you (to your face, no half-hearted ‘yeah, sorry’ over the phone nonsense). If not, they can take a long walk off a short pier, because their bullshit is not welcome.

Post # 5
Member
213 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

These people are all completely bat shit crazy. Who the hell knows what they are “thinking”. I have a couple of these on DH’s side (very similar), and have given up trying to figure it out. None of it makes any sense to a normal person. If you guys back up from the drama they spend all their efforts pulling you back in. Odd, considering they cant stand you. Much like my stepdaughter, these people probably believe what they are repeating even though it has no basis in fact. Make up a story, repeat lies and surround yourself with sheep who can’t think for themselves to support it. If you invite them they will turn your wedding into a shitshow. In the odd case they wouldn’t, you will spend your day waiting for them to ruin it.

My Darling Husband (like your F1) keeps hoping SD will change and keeps giving her opportunities to show she has changed. Of course she hasn’t and those opportunities only show there is less hope than he thought. It is always hurtful and I dont know why he allows to happen. it has to be hard when these are your family and dont want to see them for what they are. I agree with HappySky above. I’m sorry you have to go through this Bee. Feel free to PM me. I know your pain. 

Post # 6
Member
496 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I am going to say that you need to have a very serious conversation with your Fiance about how much he is “helping” spread the drama. Honestly, I think you are getting yourself into a big mess where this might become your daily life -I’ve also been noticing how much your Fiance seems to stear up drama, every once in a while.

I guess it comes to: Do you or your Fiance want to keep a relationship with his BIL? Or are you both okay simply cutting them all off? If the answer is, “Keep relationship”, then you’ll have to personally decide when is it going to become a deal breaker. Obviously your Fiance seems like he is never going to completely give his back on his family, which means you might face something like this every few weeks or months.

I guess you have three options: pretend to get along with your FI’s family for his sake, ignore your FI’s family forever and risk having him resent you, or find a less-drama relationship.

Post # 11
Member
213 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

bluecutie00 :  You are really in a tough spot here. Remember even though the facts support you, perception is what they are using instead. You can make your feelings known to F1, but you can’t tell him to cut off his family. It is his family and he needs to be emotionally ready to do that. He doesnt appear to be. You also have to remember he has lived with this behavior to some extent his whole life, so he doesnt see it the same way you do. I do agree with you that you (not him) completely cutting them out but him not is not a workable situation. In some ways the family is getting what they want, they still have him and can say what they want and you are the one sitting home- like you are the bad guy and are the one being punished. For them this is a win. Certainly not healthy for you or your marriage. You need to come to some sort of agreement here and honestly I would go to a councilor and get these issues addressed before you get married. You need to be on the same page and a united front. If not they will take advantage and you and F1 will come to resent each other. Trust me, been there.

We live in a different state than the step daughter and the rest of his family. He has always had a relatively distant but cordial relationship with most of his family, more distant with the crazier of the bunch. SD is another story. He keeps giving her chances to prove she has grown up and changed, but instead she keeps proving the opposite. I know what kind of person she is, he will have to admit it in his own time. She is in a position now to do minimal damage, other than to dissapoint (but not surprise) her father. 

It is sad that family often make life so difficult and painful for the people they say they love. Hugs Bee.

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