UPDATE to Really need advice. Thinking of ending 4 year relationship

posted 4 days ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
2805 posts
Sugar bee

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@feelingsadandhopeless:  This is a great update. However, if your bf’s parents are that negative that they’re affecting his behavior and outlook, the first priority needs to be for him to move out. It sounds like it would be the best thing for his mental health and happiness. 

I’m glad that you were able to have a honest conversation.

Post # 3
Member
3592 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I think your poor guy needs to get into therapy. He needs to learn how to heal from his emotional abuse, and to be honest and vulnerable with people. He routinely lies to you because it’s the easier path  

You also can’t have a successful marriage if one person is not able to be open, communicative, and vulnerable. I would definitely not marry him or make huge life decisions around him until he’s willing to deal with this issue and has had success. Trust me, I’ve been divorced. A marriage with someone like that will not work. 

Post # 4
Member
516 posts
Busy bee

So glad you guys talk this out!

Post # 5
Member
529 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2022

Sounds like you’ve worked out that it’s the right guy, but the wrong time. That’s OK! 

The sick brother is new info in this story. If he does ever address his family issues in therapy, he should probably explore that too. That kind of situation can also be very hard on the healthy sibling.

Post # 7
Member
4240 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - Canada

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@feelingsadandhopeless:  This is a great update OP! I’m glad you two were honest and vulnerable with each other. Your BF’s pre-engagement goals are great and I would recommend he seriously consider adding moving out of his parents home to that list. It will be difficult to unlearn destructive relationship patterns when he’s still heavily involved in an unhealthy relationship pattern. Do you have any pre-engagement goals? If not, I encourage you to set some! This is a great time for figuring out who you are and what you want in life besides marriage 🙂 Kudos to both of you for communicating well and coming to a resolution together!

Post # 9
Member
13887 posts
Honey Beekeeper

He said, “You’re right. One of my biggest problems is showing initiative.”

I said, “You show initiative when you’re doing other things that you want to do.”

He asked “Like what?”

I said, “You show initiative when you want to buy video games and watch anime.”

He said “You’re right.”

I started asking him something else and he said, “Just stop fucking talking. I cant think.” 

I think you’re missing the forest for the trees. Showing initiative is a pretty big deal and a sign of maturity in the adult world. Unfortunately, some people never get there. Despite how well you know your boyfriend, what you don’t know is how the two of you will continue to grow and develop. In addition, you don’t have any real life or dating experience as any basis of any comparison. Five years from now it’s not only possible, but likely that you will have different needs and priorities, likes, dislikes, and dealbreakers than you do now.

I’d not only seriously rethink marriage at this stage, but would also think twice about committing to a life with someone who can only get himself moving when it comes to video games and anime, shows signs of a temper when crossed, and lies to your face. Your boyfriend’s family history also points to a lot of scars from his upbringing.

He mishandled things, and wants to make it up to you now, but if I was you I’d put the whole wedding thing on hold regardless. 

Post # 10
Member
117 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2019

Awesome update! I hope the best for both of you guys. 

Post # 11
Member
528 posts
Busy bee

So glad you were able to talk that out. I agree with Charliejeorge that moving out and living alone for a while would be a good goal too. It will be good for your bf to get some space from his parents.  It’s also best to be comfortable with the basics of living on your own before getting married. 

Post # 12
Member
2416 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: City, State

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@feelingsadandhopeless:  I am so glad you’ve been open with each other and he is signed up for therapy. If you’re moving toward the goal of marriage, working through any roadblocks with a third party will be invaluable to both of you, so I would make it a goal to get into counseling together before engagement.

If you are both from abusive families, you need to work through your relationships with your families of origin in therapy and determine now what those relationships will look like going forward. The two of you will marry and start your own family, and it needs to be fully understood before you hitch yourselves to that wagon that once it starts rolling, your family (husband, wife, kids) comes before parents and siblings. It’s called “leaving and cleaving”. Your SO will need to separate himself from his parents and brother to the extent that time and financial commitments will never interfere with his relationships with you and your future children. The fact that he is ridden with guilt over trying to have his own life is not good. 

Post # 13
Member
2915 posts
Sugar bee

This is a good update bee. I agree with pp that therapy would be really helpful for your boyfriend. I say this as someone raised in the exact same manner. As a child, I did not feel safe expressing my honest emotions because I was afraid of upsetting my mother, so instead I became a people pleaser who avoided confrontation with my loved ones at all costs. I am 35 now and just started therapy a few months ago to finally deal with this, and holy shit I wish I’d done this when I was in my early 20s! It would have helped me so much. It’s really hard to unlearn these behaviors.

If he’s not interested in therapy at this time, I recommend this book: https://www.amazon.com/How-Do-Work-Recognize-Patterns/dp/006301209X – it helped me understand a lot about myself and what type of work I need to do to “unlearn” problematic behaviors from childhood and “reparent” myself.

ETA: Just saw your update that he is already in therapy. That’s fantastic! So great he’s tackling this at a young age.

Post # 14
Member
65 posts
Worker bee

I’m glad y’all had a good, tough, serious conversation and you’ve come out with some going forward plans/work and ultimately feel better about your relationship. I hope you both continue to work and check in and fostering a healthy relationship where you continue to feel supported and loved and valued.
Best of luck!

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