- 4 days ago
Hi again everyone!
If any of the people who responded to my initial post see this, THANK YOU. You were all so supportive and helped me realize that I wasn’t crazy when I was questioning things. You also helped me to identify how I was preventing myself from being able to understand where my boyfriend was coming from.
To everyone who said that he simply isn’t ready to be married, you’re right! We had a long heart to heart yesterday.
He ended up breaking down and telling me that he had lied about looking for rings because he didn’t want to be honest and say he didn’t feel ready to be married next year bc he thought it would make me feel insecure in our relationship and he didn’t want to hurt me. He was very distraught about the whole ordeal. He said he knew it was wrong to lie and apologized for that as well as the harsh language he used in our conversation.
He’s living with parents who genuinely never let him express his emotions and that he feels like he’s being manipulative whenever he expresses them (I’ve witnessed this firsthand—they honestly do this to him CONSTANTLY), so he will often tell people what they want to hear in order to avoid confrontation. He said that hes committed to unlearning that behavior and he will work on being forthcoming with me.
I promised I would work with him to unlearn my habit of internalizing uneasiness about the future as something that’s indicative of his feelings about me.
He said he’s been especially stressed these past few months and wants this season of our life (our final semester at college) to pass before we enter one where we enter into engagement and marriage
He emphasized over and over that he wants to be with me, and he definitely want to get married in the future. He outlined definite goals that he wants to reach before we get engaged. He wants to graduate, get a car (his just broke down last week), and he wants to have been working at his job for a few months. I let him know that there was no pressure to get engaged immediately even after he meets those goals, and he said that he recognized and appreciated that, but he has a genuine desire to get engaged soon after.
I also want to clarify something based on some of the responses from yesterday—if there’s one thing our parents do right, it’s that they genuinely NEVER pressure us into getting married. If anything, my parents especially have been trying to pressure me AWAY from getting married. Not to him in particular, (my parents really like him and think he’s a great fit for me), but for the same reasons that a lot of the responses yesterday said—we’re young, not established in our careers, etc.
His parents don’t involve themselves in our relationship and we’re both extremely thankful for that. They have firsthand experience with their parents/in-laws butting in and driving them apart, so the only relationship advice they’ve given is to not let them or my parents ever get between us. It’s a monthly conversation with them that his dad always initiates.
When I mentioned our moms hinting at rings on Easter, I meant that we had a conversation with my mom in which my boyfriend mentioned getting married and my mom made a comment that a proposal has to come before marriage. My boyfriend agreed, and then mom made some offhand comment about a ring. Then, at his house, we talked to his parents about the possibility of having a wedding ceremony at their house. My boyfriend’s brother has a severely debilitating chronic illness that makes it almost impossible for him to even leave his room, so we had been talking that week about what we would do to accommodate him when we get married and decided to ask his parents if that was possible. After that conversation, his mom asked him about whether he was looking at rings since we were initially planning on getting engaged this fall.
I want to thank everyone again for your help and wanted to share that things have been resolved. We have work to do. I know I have maturing to do, and I know that I love my boyfriend and want to be with him forever.