(Closed) Update to: We’ve only had 5 weeks to ourselves!! Cries some more…

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
10366 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

That’s horrible. BUT does he not have one friend he can stay with besides you guys?

Post # 5
Member
2790 posts
Sugar bee

I think the 3 of you need to sit down the moment he returns to your place and have a serious talk. This is NOT ok!! He cannot continue to use you guys as a security blanket for his own issues. There needs to be rules put in place and a timeline set, and this needs to be the FINAL time that the two of you are used as his place to rest in a tough spot.

The two of you are engaged to be married and attempting to start a life together. What is going to happen when you guys are ready to start trying for kids. That’s just awkward for everyone involved if he’s sleeping in the next room. I think you and your Fiance need to come up with rules and guidelines for this kids stay and stick to them.

Tell him that #1 he has 6-8-10 whatever many weeks you think is reasonable for him to find another place to live. That once he finds said place it is the FINAL time that you and your Fiance will be used as his backup plan. You cannot continue to coddle this kid. He needs to get off his ass and figure his own life out. You need to let him know that the two of you need your own personal space and that in trying to foster a healthy relationship it is not condusive for him to be constantly staying with you guys. Make it clear that his stuff is not being moved back in and you are not rearranging your life again for this him to return to living with you. Remind him that his stuff will be staying in storage and he will be sleeping on your futon until he finds a space.

I feel for you girl but even though you may not be super close to this kid it is your life and as long as you are cordial and sympathetic to his situation it should not cause a rift. You and your Fiance need to be on the same page and present a united front. You love your friend but you will love him more when he no longer is sucking up your alone time.

Post # 6
Member
10366 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

@MsBrooklynA: Couldn’t have said it better!

Post # 8
Hostess
18637 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Can he pay the break the lease?  If it’s in his name, he should pay to break the lease (even though yes it’s some money but probably less than 6 months worth of rent) and he won’t be paying for her home.  Also, can he talk to a lawyer about the restraining order?  It sounds like it was put on for no reason so he might have some rights to get her out of the house or get his stuff back.

Post # 10
Member
2790 posts
Sugar bee

Ok I must have misunderstood you then with the whole restraining order thing. I think it definately sucks that with her being crazy he is losing out on his own apartment. Is there any way for him to take legal action against her with the restraining order? Typicaly with a restraining order you need to show proof of a consistant pattern of improper behavior from the said party to be able to get one. What kind of proof does she have that he has been a difficulty in her life?

I understand that he is going to need some time to regroup but I do still think you 3 need to sit down and discuss what your expectations are. Let him know that although you are here for him and do not want him sleeping on the streets you still expect that he will be vigilant about looking for a new home and as soon as humanly possible he will be moving into another place. In your previous post I got the feeling that you are sick of not having any privacy and that you definately would prefer not to have him living with you again. I know you want to help your friend but him staying with you guys for as long as he has, says to me that he does not have much ambition to move out on his own.

You need to make it clear that the two of you are going to be a family soon and you want to have your own personal space and alone time with one another and you cannot do that with him continuing to live with you.

Post # 11
Member
10366 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I think that everyone is picking up on the fact that he is making really poor relationship choices that continually land him in hot water. That is why people are blaming this on him, at least partially. From what you have told us, this is a pattern. To really rebuild his life (once the housing thing is figured out), he really needs to expand his social network and learn to stand on his own feet. From everything you’ve said, it really does seem like he uses you guys as his safety net (whether you realize that or not). It isn’t all the fault of the crazy girlfriend. After all, he chose to date her, and i’m sure that wasn’t the first red flag.It just really sounds as though he is making really poor life decisions.

There are a lot of options for cheaper places to live – renting out a spare room may be his best option. You could buffer him for a month or two until he is back on his feet, but he really should be able to stand on his own.

The topic ‘Update to: We’ve only had 5 weeks to ourselves!! Cries some more…’ is closed to new replies.

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