- 3 weeks ago
OK so firstly – I am here for support, advice and some tough love. NOT to be bashed, flagged or berated. I say this because a previous thread got a bit nuts and well – if a person doesnt want to read it or participate, simply don’t.
I will do the kinda short version as I am sure you can prob find previous threads. Lived with someone for 8++ months with his four kids and my one. Got sold on the words, the picture of everything none of which ever happened…and if they did, it was ALWAYS coupled with tons of fighting, forcing, begging, demanding whatever. In the mix – I’ve had two miscarriages. This man knew beforehand I didn’t want to just live with a bf but assured me it was soon on the horizon — well guess what?it still hasn’t happened. After a disappointing 40th where I thought for SURE after 8+ months of living together (way after the timeline he promised) and a big bday it would happen but nope. Crushed me. And not just cuz I am like most other women and want to get married but becayse I moved my life for him, my childs life, I believed in him, VASTLY helped take care of hus 4 kids, HIS home, was way more of a support than ever came back.
I kept believing, kept fighting to be heard, kept waiting for him not only to marry me but basically care about my feelings. If we fought he would shut down, ignore, withhold etc. Basically everything iwas according to HIS life, his ideals, his timeline, his perception. This had left me feeling so depleated, like I had no voice, no security living in someone elses home while married, giving but never being given to (we literally never did much because it was 24/7 kidville so relationship was just two ships passing). I would feel so bad, want to leave, look for places and then…..he would swoop in with his words. His promises. And I would melt again and stay. I could go on but the jist is – I have been emotionally BROKEN over this year. So so so bad it has affected my health, self esteem, I lost all my belongings – or gave them away/sold them, lost two babies and all the while very irrespobsibly taking my daught along in tow. I was so destroyed to give up a home I love and realize it was for nothing but minced words, lies, broken promises and delays. Then one day, a prayer was answered. My old landlord caled me. An apt became avaialbel. This was a godsend because I have to keep my daughter in our town and on a certain side of town to remain in her school. Not easy to find. Its affordable and nice etc. This happened the day after I sat down quietly at Sunday dinner i took hours to make for the family and just felt dead inside. I said “wow I dont even WANT to marry this man”. Then the call the next day. The caviat was….the apt wasn’t available right away.
So here I was in this toxic relationship – which only got worse once he knew I was leaving (no physical or anything but ignoring, withholding, spiteful) and still living there. I stayed almost a month. Then I couldnt take it anymore. One monday morning my father and I took everythign – and I mean every last item and moved it to my parents. We are here now – still waiting for the apt (apparently 2 more weeks – people are closing on a house and closing date moved, which is pure hell and torture but its happening) but I left. It’s been the HARDEST THING EVER. Of course we have been in touch – even spent the night once and next day (which of course was utopia because he was in that version of his words and promises and I ate it right up as usual) and my heart began to break again. He promised he would seek out a therapist for us so we can work on the relationship apart. Shockingly an appt was never made! Another drawn out situation. When I called him out on it he was like well you never told me when you can go. He tends to never take accountability for things and blame his inabilities on others to make it OK. And not even 24 hours later I caught him in a lie (white one but still) in which he dismissed my feelings and said its not a big deal – whats the issue etc. Ladies – I have basically felt like for this year I have been fighting to EXIST. TO MATTER. TO BE RESPECTED. If it doesn’t matter to him, it just doesn’t matter and shouldnt to anyone else. After this, I blocked him everywhere I could. I have probably severely affected my health with all of this stress and this rollercoaster ride. I have been trying to make sense of insanity. And while he got his life situated which I grately helped with, mine fell apart. I have been doing what I have to do but I am a shell. Like woah what happened to my life. Im a smart woman – how could I be so dumb? So blind? Stay so long? Keep participating in this toxic cycle? If he hurts me so much why am I going back to him over and over for more? I def need a therapist after this year. I dont have insurance and am buying alot for our new place right now but plan to by the new year.
I obviously haven’t heard from him since I blocked him but I will admist I am so tempted to unblock him. Then I think of all the pain, stress, frustration and how nothing he can say or do can regain my trust anymore. Am I so desperate for love that I will entertain unacceptable behavior? No one is perfect but its been brutal in terms of just essentially being ABSORBED into HIS life and world and evaporating. I thought to myself – when was the last time I really smiled? When did this man actually do any ACTIONS to make me happy or feel secure? So I guess thats the update. I am moved out. I am waiting on my apt (PRAY it comes soon) and I am being tortured still on and off by this relationship. Trying to regain myself, my life, my self esteem, my hope for future and obviously take care of my child.