(Closed) UPDATE – Vent Post: I AM FED UP With his “job search”

posted 1 year ago in Career
Post # 16
Member
1271 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

happiekrappie :  You were essentially doing his homework for him and enabled his lazy behavior. He is a bum and a poor excuse for an adult.

You know what to do, you just need to do it. 

Post # 17
Member
9589 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

Hard no.

Find a man who you can build a future with… You know.. as a team.

You’d seriously be better off with a blow-up doll at this point. At least *he* doesn’t eat your groceries.

Post # 18
Member
7816 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I said it on your last thread but it bears repeating: you are trying to force a square peg into a round hole with this guy. It’s truly an effort in futility, and the sooner you accept that and leave, the better. Your boyfriend is a child and he is going to bitch and moan every step of the way as you try (and fail) to drag him into adulthood.

Believe me, there are sooo many guys out there who have their shit together. So many grownups who would be fucking ashamed to let their girlfriend do 1/10 of the shit you are doing for your bf. Free yourself so you can go find one!

Post # 20
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee

 ” this is concerning”- seriously? No girl, that ship has sailed. STOP. Dump this loser. What you want him to be is NOT who he is.

Post # 22
Member
11654 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

happiekrappie :  oh, so it’s your fault that he’s lazy. That’s not cool at all.

You’re a sweet, compassionate, smart woman and you deserve better.  He is being a big, bratty, whiny baby. He’s testing you right now to see if he can manipulate you back into taking care of him. Stand firm.

You tell him he needs to man up. Time to be an adult. A grown up doesn’t need his hand held and he doesn’t make moving the goal posts promises. He walks his talk with his own two feet. 

Please think about the kind of character traits you respect and want in a partner. For me, living up to ones word is at the top of my list.

Sending you big hugs Bee and love the new name🙌🏽

Post # 25
Member
2495 posts
Buzzing bee

happiekrappie :  My heart is breaking for you, as I’m sure everyone’s are. 

Most of us have BEEN there. 

My last breakup was a DOOZY. It was excrutiating. I was depressed for MONTHS. I had the worst self-esteem of my life. 

It’s rather Earth-shattering to suddenly live in a different universe than the one you lived in before. You want the OLD universe back, the one where things were safe and confortable and not hard. Where you “knew” what the future held, where the future babies you’d been dreaming up lived.

But you have to move bravely forward into this new universe where you see him for who he REALLY is, even if that means pain and grief and months of crying and feeling depressed and going through partner-withdrawal.

Because the pain is really really really worth it in the end. It doesn’t seem like anything could be worth that pain when you’re IN it, but it is incredibly worth it, looking back. 

I compare it to the pain of childbirth. Literally anyone in the act of giving childbirth would say NOTHING was worth that pain. But then they have their baby and suddenly the pain wasn’t so bad afterall.

PS – I would TOTALLY walk into the grocery store with mascara running down my face because… gotta find amusement in SOMETHING, may as well be the bizarre looks you’ll get!

Post # 26
Member
7816 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Bee, of course you are struggling. You still love this guy and you’ve spent a huge chunk of your life with him. It is normal to feel lost and like your world is being blown up when you’re preparing to end a long-term relationship, even if you have total conviction in your gut that this is the right decision.

I went through a breakup in my late 20s for similar reasons – I was with my ex for around 4 years and really thought through a lot of that time that we would get married. Like your bf, my ex was an entitled manchild. He lived at his parents’ house well into his late 20s, “freelancing.” It killed me becaues he was SO SMART…like off the charts intelligence, but he just couldn’t be bothered to get a real job because he preferred the freedom of living off of his parents’ dime, smoking pot, playing computer games, and basically being a kid. I could sort of understand it when we first started dating caues he was 23 and right out of college, so I told myself ok, he’s just taking a bit of time to enjoy life before settling into a real job. Then years passed….

I think you mentioned that you think your bf has depression, unless i’m confusing you with another poster. Anyway, I am pretty sure my ex had depression and anxiety too, and I so badly wanted to “fix” him, but he refused to go to therapy or seek any type of treatment aside from smoking pot from dawn to dusk. I tried soooooo hard to motivate him, but in the end I just got tired of it all. Honestly, my heart kind of went cold toward him. And there was no turning back once that happened.

After i first broke up with him, he actually did pull his shit together, landed a high-paying job in NYC, moved out, and began to live like an adult. But it was too late…I had stopped giving a shit. He tried to get me back and used similar guilt tripipng techniques like your bf is doing – “I got this job for US!” – but I didn’t give a fuck. After 4 years of his bullshit, I didn’t care if he became the next Steve Jobs, I just had nothing left to give.

Reading between the lines of your posts, I feel like you are reaching the same place in this relationship. There’s a part of you that still loves him and can’t imagine your life without him – a part of you is terrified of breaking up. But there’s another part that’s just weary, that’s getting to the point of being done. My guess is part #2 is gonna win out here…and the sooner you let that happen, the better.

Post # 27
Member
2655 posts
Sugar bee

You just seem really unhappy in this relationship.  I’m not super active around here, but I’ve read some of your posts and while I’m sure you love him, he just doesn’t seem like th guy for you.

 

Post # 28
Member
6635 posts
Bee Keeper

happiekrappie :  It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be heartbroken when you have to face that this person you’ve loved is not who he said he was or who you believed him to be. It’s okay to go through a mourning period.

What’s not okay is to continue down this path. I married a man-child who was (and still is) chronically unemployed. It was never his fault. I also got sucked into helping him find jobs through my contacts and damaged some friendships in the process because he never really wanted to do the work or somehow thought it was beneath him. I tried EVERYTHING to help him and it was never enough. You know what? You can’t do it for your guy any more than I could do it for my ex or any of the other Bees sharing their stories could do it for theirs. 

The person you choose to spend the rest of your life with should raise you up, not drag you down. You should feel safe and secure that you are in it together. You should be a partner, not a parent. 

Post # 29
Member
2812 posts
Sugar bee

happiekrappie :  I know it’s hard to wrap your head around when you’re so in love and so invested in someone… but you deserve so much better. 

He may have been the guy for you 5 years ago, but you have sailed wayyyyyy past him in terms of maturity & life skills. You met really young and people change enormously in their 20s – Highschool and University are a whooole different ballgame than being in the workforce. 

He hasn’t developed himself as a person and he hasn’t really had to. He thinks you’re smart and driven enough for the both of you and that he can just ride along on your coat tails – all while not even giving you what you want from the relationship.

Just remember that relationships that don’t end in marriage aren’t failures and they’re not worthless – they’ve just run their course and you ended up in different places. 

Post # 30
Member
8818 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

happiekrappie :  “it’s like my reality has been altered” — This has always been the reality, you’re only just now seeing it. It must be very hard to come face-to-face with, but you have already made progress. You stopped banging your head against a brick wall which allowed you to step back and see that it is indeed a brick wall. Now you need to decide if you’re going to get back to pounding a brick wall or walk away. Best wishes to you.

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