Post # 61
Hey bee, I know all of these “Well that’s simple, just dump him!” responses are probably seeming super extreme and out-of-place. We don’t know you, we don’t know your bf, we don’t know your relationship. I’m sure he has many, many amazing qualities and that you two have a long and wonderful history together.
But, this is what happens in one’s early and mid 20s. You grow up, often growing up while your life is entertwined with another person. Sometimes that growth happens concurrently and you grow together in complementary, mutually beneficial ways. And sometimes one person grows in a much different way than the other. You’ve known this guy since he was 20 (or so) – a kid, really. And now that he’s 25 (or so), this is him growing into who he is as an adult. Your role now at this stage of life is to see whether that version of him, this adult version, matches your new adult version of yourself.
It seems pretty clear that you’re a smart, driven, capable person. And it seems equally clear that he’s one of those guys who is content to let life happen to him, at least in terms of his professional life AND his personal life (unwilling to make plans for marriage until he has a good job, which he’s not willing to try to acquire). From the outside, ALL of us can see that you two have not grown in complementary ways, and that this guy who you love based on a wonderful shared history is not going to be the best partner for you in your future life as a fully-fledged adult.
Good luck with this… I know it’s hard. I had a similar situation where I’d been with the guy for 15 years since we were teenagers, we were married, I adored him, but I couldn’t deal with his lack of initiative and follow-through. (He was actually very driven professionally, but just about everything else fell by the wayside and was left for me to deal with.) I initiated a divorce, it was sad and horrible for both of us, and guess what – we are both SO MUCH HAPPIER now. Change and upheaval sucks, but what sucks even worse is being married to someone you resent.
Post # 62
I know this is hard to understand now, but you’re only 25. 25 is young! While I understand thst it can take some time to disentangle from a relationship on an emotional level, I urge you not to take too long. In my early 20s I had a 3 year relationship and was engaged. But we argued over so many things. I tend to act impulsively and I’ve never regretted it. I broke up with him on a visit to the shore. All he could do was whine and complain about how you had to pay to get on the beach. We were working in different states and I was getting tired of spending weekends with a stubborn chronic complainer. So i broke up with him on the spur of the moment. That was one of the best moves I ever made in my life. I would never have met my husband if I had stuck with this man who was so, so wrong for me.
Please don’t think that because you put in 5 years that it’s worth investing more time. In your early 20s theres a lot of mental and emotional growth and change and you find yourself to be a very different person at 30. So the past 5 years have been years of growth. You wouldn’t wear a pair of pants that you wore in 7th grade, at first you’d be very uncomfortable, they’d be squeezing you, and inhibiting your movement forward, you’d have to stand still. To continue wearing them would cut off your circulation and could actually have dire effects on your overall health. Well, it’s the exact same principle here; you’ve outgrown this man. And you’re already uncomfortable much of the time and unable to move forward. The longer you stay, the greater the ill effects.
Think about it .
Post # 63
Bee, the simple truth is that you have grown up, and he… hasn’t. Just stop the job search. Stop doing his washing, cooking, cleaning – all of it. Shut down his entitled complaining.
If it makes him realise what an asshat he’s been and he wants to change then I’d suggest couples counselling. If he doesn’t, then I’m afraid it’s time to tell him that you didn’t sign on to be his mother and that you’re cutting the apron strings for good.
Huge hugs in this crappy time x
Post # 64
I haven’t abandoned this thread. I just need some time to process what you all are saying. I really appreciate all the support and advice I’ve gotten from all of you. Thanks again everyone.
Post # 65
Take all the time you need. It’s easy for us to talk and tell you what to do but you’re the one living it and I know it must be difficult. Hugs.
Post # 66
I married someone like this and it was soul-sucking and awful. We divorced. My new partner goes to work all by himself, cooks all by himself, does stuff around the house all by himself and it DELIGHTS me on an hourly basis. Like I am literally amazed by his capacity to do things independently. That’s how useless my ex was. And yes my ex was depressed but there’s only so much you can do to support someone without getting sucked down the rabbit hole too. Time for some tough love I think.
Post # 67
I read in your earlier post that you don’t have anyone to talk with about this because your life is so enmeshed with his. Pls find a person to talk with; be it a distant relative or a therapist or a bartender or a stranger- it is essential for your own processing and gauging of the situation. Otherwise, it’s too easy to fall back into the thought patterns which led to this level of enabling.
Post # 68
- Wedding: August 2019 - New England
In saying that it’s okay to take her time, I’m not saying that she should hang around and see if it gets better. I’m only saying that OP is taking in a lot of new information right now and is having a major change of perspective and it’s okay for her to take some time and sort through some of her feelings before walking out the door. The loss of the relationship is going to be a huge life-shift and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with taking some time to prepare for that mentally, emotionally, financially. etc.. It sounds like logically she knows what she needs to do, but still needs some time to get there emotionally and mentally, which I think is totally understandable.
Post # 69
- Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI
I’m sorry you’re in this situation. Honnestly Id thinkmreally hard about staying wil someone who can’t manage his own life. I’ve had TWO husbands like this and it sucks and it’s exhausting trying to hold everything together. My current SO needs me as company. That’s it. He handles his life independently. There are real men out there that can take care of themselves. I’d hate to see you marry someone you have to carry. You deserve a real partnership.
Post # 70
All I have to add is –
1) 25 is young, your life is just starting, so don’t waste the prime time of your life on someone whose life goals and qualities are incompatible to yours. 20-25 is a time of change, people have big dreams and talk big at that age, it often doesn’t become realised because when push come to shove to actually take action, the truth comes out.
and 2) god forbid he loses his job at some point, because don’t expect him to find another one and you’ll end up being the one to support him and your family (if you end up having children with him). You’re in a much better position now to make a decision than waiting until you’re in that situation.
Post # 71
So as a mini update, we discussed this a bit more in depth a couple days ago. He was able to discuss things rationally, and while he was initially unhappy about my ceasing doing all the work (like another bee said, who wouldn’t be upset with having to suddenly do something you were once getting for free), he’s been doing his own searching and applying since then. Obviously less than a week isn’t enough time to gauge change in a person, so I’ll just have to see how things pan out in the short term. I just got scheduled for a HUGE interview myself, so I’m basically dumping all my mental capacity into landing this job (it is life-changing money for a 25 year old lol).
That being said, I’m still erring on the side of caution based on the advice I’ve received here, and my own observations. I’m still highly concerned about this even being an issue to begin with, so I’m still trying to step back and see the big picture. The fact remains that this is concerning as hell, and it isn’t going to go away unless I see some gargantuan effort at self improvement and internal motivation.
Im not just throwing in the towel altogether, but I’m still pretty weary right now. But for the next couple of weeks, I’m going to be dumping colossal amounts of effort into MYSELF because I really want this job! It requires a ton of travel, so I’d like to explore some self-growth potential that may occur if I land it!
Post # 72
Get that job and leave the bum!
Post # 73
Good luck on the job interview! Update us and I hope you get it!!!