update walking away from the final ultimatum

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 31
Member
783 posts
Busy bee

stayingforthepromise :  It sounds like you may need some help to get through this emotionally, I would highly recommend therapy, although I know it’s difficult since you’re not working and finding childcare may be difficult. I think once you get some space from this toxic relationship you’re going to have much more perspective and understand that you’re not truly happy right now and what you two have isn’t love the way it should be. 

Post # 32
Member
2296 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise

stayingforthepromise :  There’s a reason people who keep ending up with jerks, keep ending up with jerks. You are the common denominator here. 

People talk about having a “broken picker” or being a “loser magnet” Ultimately, what’s going on is that you don’t believe you deserve better. You think this behavior is normal, or something you have to accept if you don’t want to be alone. Until you realize that isn’t true, every person you end up with will be a jerk. Because you’ll allow that to happen. 

I was with a long series of jerks who LOVED how I treated them, but didn’t so much love me. I gave and gave and gave, because that’s my personality. But eventually I’d realize I was getting less than nothing back; I was getting pain and heartache in return for my efforts.

After my last horrible breakup I swore I wasn’t going to let it happen again. I spent a long time alone taking care of myself in a way I never did when I was in a relationship. I though long and hard about the kind of man I wanted to meet, and the kind of relationship I was open to having. I stopped looking at men like they were doing me a favor by considering me as a potential date. I got comfortable being by myself so I was finally ready to say I’d rather be alone than in a bad relationship, and really mean it.

I also paid SUPER CLOSE ATTENTION to the yellow flags that popped up; things that tripped my intuition that I used to dismiss as being paranoid, once I realized those fears ALWAYS turned out to be justified over time. He really WAS seeing other people. He really DIDN’T care that much about me.  

If you keep ending up with jerks, look at yourself and ask why. Try to get to the bottom of why you don’t think you deserve better. And even if you don’t your SON definitely does. You aren’t alone in this anymore. You have to think about how the relationships you have in your life will model what love should look like for him. Start trying to believe you both should have something better than what you’ve settled for in the past. 

Post # 33
Member
625 posts
Busy bee

OP I’m reminded of a dear friend of mine who dated a string of these man babies and after each situation like yours, she’d call me exasperated and dramatically exclaim “WHERE ARE ALL THE MEN AT!!!???” I miss her.

 

Incidentally, she found where the men are at. She moved to Denver and within a year and a half met someone and married him. I’m not necessarily saying you should move to Denver, but there are certain cities that have a horrible selection of eligible men. I believe DC and NYC are two dating markets that are pretty bleak for women (way more single women than men. The high cost of living means many men live with their parents which isn’t conductive to making adult decisions like putting a girlfriend first and getting married eventually.) So maybe consider a move? Sounds like your son is still young enough to be transportable.

Post # 34
Member
978 posts
Busy bee

stayingforthepromise :  I think what the other Bees are trying to explain to you is that you sound like you have codependency issues.  When you’ve broken up with boyfriends in the past and realized it was really over, did you find yourself feeling panicked and abandoned and hurt?  Did you feel desperate to get them back? KNOWING that this current Boyfriend or Best Friend is leading you on, making you unhappy, and is really a poor catch and a poor father who will never change…you’re still concerned about him not “wanting” you and your biggest fear being “him moving on quickly,” or finding someone else to marry.  It legitimately sounds like you’re so terrified of this guy leaving and being along and facing that rejection that you are not capable of responding to your own feelings and pain in KNOWING that he is a bad man for you.

You have said yourself in this thread and your last thread that this man you are with now 1) treats you badly. 2) Doesn’t react to or respect your feelings 3) plays dramatic games with you to lead you on and keep you 4) is overtly sexual and tries to instigate intimacy with you at incredibly inappropriate times 5) treats himself as the priority 6) is not an invested father…..

So why do you still want him?

You don’t.  

You just don’t want to be rejected by him. You don’t want to face the idea of wasting 7 years of life. You don’t want to think of the father of your child picking another woman to be “worthy” of marriage.  You’re afraid of financial concerns (when they sound like things you can survive). You don’t want to be alone, or see him go off and find “happiness” (abusing/exploiting another woman.)

And these feelings are SO strong in you that you’d rather stay in a relationship where someone makes you feel so much pain that you cry, scream, yell, can’t sleep, and emotionally suffer just so it won’t be officially over.

And you have a pattern of behavior with this guy that has you crying and threatening him and him saying a few words to appease you that you accept, knowing in the back of your mind that it is BS, because you don’t want the relationship to be over.  You give him empty threats and he knows it, which is why he has treated you this way for so long.

That means that somewhere in your head, you have a formula that goes:

Being in an emotionally painful relationship with this worthless guy > (is better than) him leaving me/ being alone.

And when that happens, despite all RATIONAL facts that let you know that you are unhappy and shouldn’t be with him, it is NOT love.  It is fear.  You are with him because you cannot handle the idea of being without this worthless guy.  So much so that you are lashing out on the Bee at people who are trying to help you.

If you are more afraid to be without him than happy to be with him, this is a matter of codependency.  Your fear is forcing you to stay and lash out and live in an unstable, unhealthy world that you are putting your son through.

You need to get out, and you need to find therapy that focuses on codependency issues so that you can pick better and establish respect boundaries for yourself in the future.  You do deserve better than this guy and you CAN live without him happily, you are just in a place right now in your mind where you don’t know that yet.

Post # 36
Member
1533 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

stayingforthepromise :  “100000% he has someone else”

100000% no one else is dumb enough to get with this guy.  Once again, you need this guy gone.  

Post # 39
Member
18 posts
Newbee

To make things clearer I’m just gonna refer to your son’s father as “Jack” instead of using pronouns. 

Your son is the only thing that matters right now. You need to take Jack’s threats seriously when he said he’d make you look like an unfit mother to gain full custody of your son. You need to do damage control and start looking at yourself and your actions from the perspective of a family court judge. 

 

1. From this moment on, do not speak to Jack using any kind of abusive language (e.g. insults, swear words, threats, name-calling.) Be especially careful when you are putting anything in writing or leaving voicemails. 

2. Delete (don’t make private – DELETE) anything on social media that even hints at negative feelings towards Jack or puts into question your emotional stability/ability to be a good mother. If you have facebook, go on your activity log and erase any statuses, posts, comments, photos, or photo captions that may put you in a bad light. Same goes for all other social media platforms. Be ruthless.

3. Text Jack saying this: “It is in this family’s best interest that you move out immediately. Please respect my wishes by making arrangements to stay with your mom/dad/friend until you can figure out a more permanent living situation.” Screenshot it. 

3. DO NOT destroy any of his property. DO NOT put it outside. Since Jack won’t pack up his stuff on his own volition, do it for him. Fold everything nicely and place it all in boxes, his suitcase, or (clean and sturdy) garbage bags. Label them and neatly move everything near the front door and then take a photo of it for evidence in case he tries to say you ruined or stole his stuff. Yes, include any electronics or other expensive items he purchased for himself or were given to him as gifts. 

4. Arrange a time for Jack to come pick up his stuff and have a male family member (dad, brother, cousin, uncle, whatever) present. Next best thing is a female relative or friend. You will not only have a witness but also a buffer to prevent any more arguing or Jack attempting to get you to take him back. Better yet, don’t be there when he comes. Have your family member be there to let him in and take your son to the park or the movies until the coast is clear.

 

I think once Jack is moved out, it will make things that much less messy. 

Post # 41
Member
34 posts
Newbee

You need to stop sending him emotional text messages. Going on and on and spitting insults at him and not being in control of your emotions is what will make you lose your son. You need to get ahold of yourself. Him not responding could build a huge case against you. If you’re emotionally unstable you are unfit to parent your child. Kick him out and focus on you and your son. He cannot avoid child support no matter where he lives. If he doesn’t pay it will rack up against him in debt. If you’re worried about finances and not getting any money you can get assistance from the government (don’t be prideful, get help for you and your son. It’s a tool not a forever crutch) and that is also a form of child support except you don’t have to wait for him to pay, it just racks up against him.

Post # 42
Member
34 posts
Newbee

forthewalk :  this is the best advice ever. As someone who went through something similar, I wish someone told me this. Thank you for writing all of this out for her. I’m going to copy and paste this to send to other women going through the same thing because this is such a trend; Men stringing women along and thinking that we will stay because we feel stuck due to having a child. I am so glad that after 6 years of physical, sexual, and emotional abuse I found the strength to leave my child’s father and I am pleased to say that even though I was extremely emotional at the beginning, I was able to get ahold of myself, shut my mouth, and do what was best for my child and myself. I now have full legal and physical custody due to my sons father being the unfit one. He HAD visitation but lost that. He still makes excuses, lies, and refuses to take responsibility but at least now my child and I aren’t directly affected by him. 

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