(Closed) *UPDATE*: was about to move out, should I stay or go? [long, sorry!]

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I feel like if you stay, things will fall back into their old routine after awhile. It also sounds like you’ve reached a point where you’re not sure how much you have left to give. Move out and get your clarity back. Maybe this change is going to be what saves your relationship. It will make you miss and appreciate each other more. Don’t stay just to observe him and see if he’s changed, that’s going to be miserable for both of you.

I think your man sounds problem


>Solution oriented. You presented a problem, he’s trying to fix it. But people don’t just change because of a few conversations and some therapy. That change will come if you both want it to, and you don’t need to be living together to make it a reality. 

Bottom line, if you BOTH want this to work and not just stick a band-aid on it so nothing really has to change, it can work. A move shouldn’t change that.

Post # 4
Member
1723 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Sometimes people need a wake up call.  He may not have believed you would actually move out when you said it before so he ignored it.  I would try to find a friend/family member you could stay with for a week or so just to see how it goes before you spend all that money to move.

I agree with @KatyElle: that you don’t have to be living together to make it work.  

Post # 7
Member
3798 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@KatyElle: I agree on the problem/solution oriented thing. So many men are like that…they see an issue, “fix” it, and then move on, not realizing that usually there are underlying behaviors that keep causing the issue to crop up and then it keeps happening.

Living there with him is causing you to be consumed with this decision, and if you left, you can still work it out, but if it does not work out, you are already out of there. It is a way to protect yourself.

A few months ago I was where you are and I have to admit, it was heartbreaking. I decided to stay because we worked on things and we got it sorted out. If I would have left, we would have been over for good. Either way, this is a really hard decision…I wouldnt’ do anything rash, and if after a few weeks his behavior goes back to the ‘old him’, then you might have your answer.

Post # 8
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

Agree with PPs, but as an intermediary solution is there a friend you can stay with for a few weeks as a “trial move”. You can let him know that you really want to work on everything together, but you can’t be around him right now because it wont be fair to either of you. All you can think of is what was done in the past, but that is something that should be spoken about in counseling, not at home right now.  

And then schedule regular date nights once a week where he has to plan what you do and you will make every attempt at not talking about what happened in counseling, unless he brings it up.

And then after a few weeks you can reevaluate the situation.

Post # 9
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I think if it were me, I would move. This way, you can be on your own, and know if this is what you truly want. As the others have said, you can still work on your relationship, but I think both of you  being on your own will give him a chance to either really change, or revert back to the old him. One of my best friends stayed an extra 6 months because her husband kept telling her he would work on counseling, and after the 6 months, he had done nothing. She was so pissed, and felt really betrayed, and then when he did start after she moved out, it was too little too late, and they were done for good. Things might have ended up differently had she moved out before giving him the ultimatum, we’ll never know. That was a little over a year ago, and she’s happier now, and with someone else, and he’s going through a tough time, and can’t help but think that he should have done so much more, but was complacent in the fact that she would stay. 

Move out, go back to just dating him, and see where things lead. ((HUGS))

Post # 10
Member
748 posts
Busy bee

@londongal: I feel like you need to just let it go. He has changed. Your ultimatum managed to scare him into a different person. If you keep throwing everything he has done in his face, then he’ll change back. You need to support this new “him” by letting it go (for your own and your relationship’s sake) but tell him firmly that you’re not going to tolerate what has happened if it happens again and that you will leave if he slips back into it. Congratulations, your man has opened his eyes! Now you have to let him earn your trust back, and just enjoy the ride.

Post # 11
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@squeak: Why should she “let it go?” Because after a long time of emotional disconnection, loneliness, of not being heard, her guy finally realized “Oh shit she’s serious” and started making up for lost time? It’s great that he’s making a (recent) effort, but there is still a lot to work through. It’s probably not a good idea to say “Ok you’re different now, but just to let you know, if you don’t stick with it I’m leaving again.” It just continues the cycle, and it makes the other person feel resentful that you’re dangling ultimatums over their head. OP seems to be leaning towards what’s best for her now, not just encouraging the new and improved man because she doesn’t want to break up. You don’t “scare” someone into being a different person either.

Post # 12
Member
3624 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@squeak: I have to disagree. You can’t just change years worth of behavior in a week or two. I have to agree with everything @KatyElle: said. She’s looking out for the both of them by making the decision to move out.

 

@londongal: I’m sure this decision must be really hard for you. I was in your position about 5 years ago. I ultimately moved out, and felt a relief and clarity in doing so. It made the next decisions I made a lot easier. Unfortunately for my last relationship it didn’t work out, but that was because there was a lot of emotional and verbal abuse.

Your relationship (from what you’ve shared!) sounds a whole lot different and it sounds like your Fiance loves you a lot. He just sounds a little oblivious. I feel like there is hope for you and your Fiance, and I agree with everyone else when they say a temporary move may make all the difference and may help save your relationship!

Post # 13
Member
748 posts
Busy bee

@KatyElle: I didn’t mean let it go as in just act as if everything is alright. I did mention that he has to win her trust back. You’re right, she has to think about what’s best for her, but I think this man has shown that he really loves her and is willing to show a lot of respect. She should test him over time, but I’m not sure that moving out will do anything for that. I think whether she moves out or stays there, if he’s changed, he needs to stay changed for a while, and then she can give him her trust back. That is, if he really has changed. If he’s just putting on a mask, that’s a different story. But he does seem like he has changed.

Post # 15
Member
3367 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

@KatyElle:  *cheering*  Completely agree.

ETA:  I posted before reading every post and just read londongal’s last thoughts… you really do sound level-headed and insightful… I know the crazy crying girl isn’t the most comfortable place to be, but don’t be too hard on yourself for being emotional.  I hear so much wisdom already in what you tell yourself.  Follow your instincts (moving out) and see what direction he chooses to go in.  I had a friend once call these times in our life “learning relationships.”  If you were to stay, it would take a great deal of will-power not to confront him with everything you mentioned and to keep it in the therapist’s office.  Give yourself some space and let it play out… and keep being the strong, smart woman you are.

Post # 16
Member
7387 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@KatyElle: Yet again KE is droping science in this thread.

OP I think you said it best yourself “started saying all the things I needed him to say a year ago.” Saying and doing to two completely diffrent things.

The topic ‘*UPDATE*: was about to move out, should I stay or go? [long, sorry!]’ is closed to new replies.

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