Post # 1
Member
256 posts
Helper bee
Hi.<br /><br />Kind of just on here to vent…<br /><br />I just discovered accidentally (through looking at computer history for other reasons) that my DH of 10 months has to look through pages of escort ads as part of his job as a web developer for an online newspaper. I don’t know anything about programming, but I was always under the impression that he only worked with “behind the scenes” type of coding as a back-end developer, which would mean looking mostly at pages of text and numbers all day, not combing through escort ads with photos and stats of girls’ bodies (they don’t have faces in the ads). It’s not that he has to just click through the pages either, he has to open specific ads up and look.<br /><br />I’m so frustrated! I have brought it up with him but he insists that it is just for work and that it’s not a big deal… but it still makes me uncomfortable that he has to do that as part of his job, especially since he is a very typical male when it comes to women. (Don’t get me wrong, he loves me like crazy, and I know that he would never actually get in contact with these girls, for the moment anyway while things are really good between us) <br /><br />I’m a fairly sensitive person who is easily upset about things like this (this isn’t going to change about me). If you are a person like me (sensitive and easily upset about these things), what would you do? <br /><br />I know some people will tell me to get over it, but I think I’d like to go more in the direction of both of us working it out together, rather than just one person tolerating the other. <br /><br /><br />
Post # 2
Member
256 posts
Helper bee
woops speaking of code, something happened to turn my post into one giant paragraph sorry :/
Post # 3
Member
8469 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
Does he like his job? Would it be possible for him to find the same type position at a different company? I’ve never heard of any online newspaper that specializes in reporting on escorts, but maybe some other spouses of people that work with him can give you tips on coping with it. Other than that, maybe some couples counseling can help you two come to an understanding about it. Best of luck.
Post # 4
Member
592 posts
Busy bee
I wouldn’t say get over it, but there isn’t much you can do given this is something he is doing for work. It’s not like he’s doing it on his personal time for fun. I’d pick my battles with this one.
Post # 5
Member
1619 posts
Bumble bee
I would be less upset than if there were pictures. That would really upset me.
However, if I were him, I would probably be most concerned about the ethics of my workplace essentially supporting prostitution.
Post # 6
Member
256 posts
Helper bee
Thank you for the responses..
CHristine2809: I forgot to mention that we’re in Australia where it isn’t illegel x(
Post # 7
Member
2613 posts
Sugar bee
Honestly, the story doesn’t make any sense to me.
Post # 8
Member
256 posts
Helper bee
housebee: He doesn’t really like his job because he thinks it’s boring/doesn’t challenge him… but he is stable in it so it seems like he can’t realy be bothered to find another job as much as i encourage him to. Funnily all his teammates aren’t married/are single except for one who works on a different part of the site. Hmm.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by kmaemu.
Post # 9
Member
2822 posts
Sugar bee
MsW-to-MrsM: +1 I agree. How does this relate to his work?
Post # 10
Member
1066 posts
Bumble bee
If it’s for work, then there is not much he can do about it. I am a bit suprised he didn’t mention it to you, did you know of it at all? I mean I feel if my FI had to do this for work then he would mention it to me, at least so I’d know why this stuff was in his computer history if I came across it somehow.
I don’t think the ads are usually particularly out there, it’s nothing worse than you’ll see in a music video or something, do you think perhaps looking at them yourself would help you feel a bit reassured that there is nothing crazy in them? I had to look up escorts at my work once, we had a feeling a building across the road was a brothel and did a google search on it and it really does not give out much information.
Otherwise, I’m not sure. Is it worth him quitting his job over? I would most likely just tell him if I were you to not do it at home or on the personal computer where they can be left in the history and try to put it out of your mind. He isn’t calling them and it’s work related so you do need to let it go a bit.
Post # 11
Member
256 posts
Helper bee
Trinisexy2: Yeah i probably should not get too worked up about it. Do I like it? No. Will things be okay? overall, yes.<br /><br />I’m thinking now that I’m most annoyed about not knowing what he does specifically with his job, (it’s always been ‘back end web developer for local newspaper sites’ … and also annoyed that that is part of his job description and that he is ok with it. ah well. as you said, pick your battles…
Post # 12
Member
1247 posts
Bumble bee
- Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA
They’re just ads. It’s the internet age; if he WANTS to look at naked ladies, nothing will ever stop him – your snooping included. I would suggest letting it go.
Post # 13
Member
4705 posts
Honey bee
Something doesn’t add up with that… like at all. Any time a guy says “it’s no big deal” when you come across something… nope nope nope.
Post # 14
Member
818 posts
Busy bee
kmaemu: I’m sensitive like you 🙂 This would REALLY bother me. The trouble is, if it’s part of his work, then there isn’t much he can do other than finding another position. I guess for me personally, I have this driving need for things to make sense and add up. I get the feeling from the initial part of your post that it doesn’t really add up for you, and this in part may be why you’re so uneasy about it? It may help you to sit him down and tell him straight up, “look, I know we have been over this. But you know it makes me uncomfortable and I need you to help put my mind at ease. ____ and ____ don’t add up for me. I’m not understanding clearly why you would have to look into these ads/sites into such detail when I thought you were working begind the scenes with coding and numbers. Can you please help me understand so my mind can quit playing tricks on me?”
This is how I present situations such as this to my FI. After he explains things to me, it usually makes sense and that helps immensely. And it helps me trust him that much more.
I have found in past relationships however, if it doesn’t make sense to me, it’s usually BS. Alternatively, if the guy got defensive and started an argument, it was because there was something more to the story that they didn’t want me to find out. That’s why those relationships didn’t work out. Either way, I’m not at all implying that your DH is trying to cover something up; but rather that you present your dilemma to him in a non-threatening or accusatory way, and see what he gives you.
Post # 15
Member
256 posts
Helper bee
Jijitattoo: he has to check if the code is running properly apparently, but i thought that it was the front-end developers and not the back-end developers (of which he is one) that do that part. All along i thought he was responsible for doing all the really complicated code to generate the articles for the online paper, but he’s actually assigned to just the escort classifieds. -___- Meh, now this whole thing feels silly when put into context. but i’m still not jumping up and down with joy about what he does LOL.
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