- 9 years ago
- Wedding: May 2008
totally agree with this! OP, you have heaps of good advice, and I just want to give you a virtual hug! let things cool down a bit before discussing it again.
totally agree with this! OP, you have heaps of good advice, and I just want to give you a virtual hug! let things cool down a bit before discussing it again.
I don’t know if this will help, but I asked my fiance’s opinion and he had this typical opinion some men have. He thinks rings are ‘silly’ because you can’t ‘use them’ (lol). He said he would rather buy me an engagement dirtbike than a ring! He said rings don’t DO anything. I think this is man logic, and I think OPs man just couldn’t justify a large price for something that he doesn’t understand to be useful or important. Same idea when you walk into a bachelor pad and there are no decorative items like cushions or candles 😛
Men also look at CZ and diamond, and think they look the same and why the huge price difference? They don’t know that CZ doesn’t last, and if you want a ring to keep forever, a good investment is a diamond. There is not enough emphasis placed on that to guys.
Excuse the generalisations in this post. So my point is this doesn’t have to be a dealbreaker? I think he’s just SUPER DEFENSIVE at your reaction and doesn’t know how to handle it. OP try to emphasis how long diamond lasts and how you want to keep the ring forever, rather than he’s being cheap. See if he reacts to a warmer approach from you, even though you are angry.
Oh, and my fiance got me a beautiful little diamond despite his rant! He knew it was important. Perhaps OPs fiance didn’t understand it was what she wanted. You really have to spell it out for them sometimes.
This reminds me of a relationship I had years and years ago. My BF at the time and I were thinking of getting engaged and for fun we went looking at rings at Tiffany. After he went on and on about what a rip-off Tiffany is and diamonds in general etc etc… Two weeks later he spent $10,000 on some ugly watch for himself. I dumped him. He was clearly a selfish SOB. But that was so typically him all over.
You sound like this is out of character for him- maybe you could get someone to talk to him about it and knock some sense into him! I’d be very angry being lied to like that.
I have to confess that when I first responded I hadn’t read all the updates. Now that I have, I wouldn’t just give him back the ring – I’d run over it with his stupid dirt bike! And then keep the bike. I’m a bit fiery and irrational like that though – I blame my red hair 😉
OP, MrsVanilla gave you good advice here. Take it.
This will not be an isolated incident. I grew up with a father like this, and a ghost of a mother as a result. Look beyond the ring issue and you will see a self-absorbed, manipulative man. He has been there all along, but you haven’t seen it until now, because before now he wasn’t sure that he really “had” you. Now that you are engaged, he thinks he can treat you like shit and you won’t leave because you are now fully emotionally invested. There are so many red flags here: the lack of regard for your feelings, the emotional manipulation by giving ultimatums, certain future financial issues, an unwillingness to compromise, the ease with which he deceives you, his lack of remorse, name-calling… You don’t want to be married to that. Trust me.
My husband was so utterly proud of the ring he bought me because he knew it made me insanely happy and that he wanted me to feel that way when I looked at it. It worries me that he seems to value you the same as this “ring” he got you and that will cause many problems in the future. The fact that he got mad and said things like “I didn’t think you’d find out” is totally unacceptable. He blatantly lied about such an important commitment in life, HUGE HUGE HUGE red flag.
Give back the ring and move on. He may see his wrongs and try and fix them, and if he doesn’t you know he wasn’t right all along. I know leaving a serious relationship when you’re at the point of getting married is incredibly hard to imagine but you’re going to sell the rest of your life short if you settle for a manipulative, lying, degrading control freak.
Best of luck to you!
I am so sorry you found this out about your engagement ring. This is very interesting to me. I think this says A LOT about your FI’s character.
I once had a professor actually talk about this exact situation. He said that if you ever get engaged, get the ring inspected by a jeweler (not intentionally JUST to see if the diamond is real) but if you happen to find out it’s a cubic zirconia, think of what else your Fiance is “lying/faking” to you about.
I hope you find out what is best for you and do what makes you happy in your decisions. =/
Truth be told, often when I see posts where ladies are complaining about their ring, I often do a great big eye roll. Things like they hate the ring their fiance has gone to a lot of effort and spent a lot of money on because it’s not the ring they’ve been dreaming of (which i think is really unfair to set standards of someone elses gift to them before they’re even engaged), especially “the diamond is not big enough/not as big as some lady I work with” etc etc and demanding the fiance pays for her to upgrade instead of using the extra money on the wedding/feeding the poor/something more productive.
BUT this is a different scenario. He lied to you. HE claimed to have spent a lot more money on it than he actually did, which is completely unfair, as he took credit for doing something bigger than he let on, and kept the lie going for a whole year. Not fair.
As I don’t know you, nor your financial situation I can’t comment whether or not it is unreasonable to expect him to spend more than $100 on the ring or not. You say you both have good jobs so i assume he could have managed it, but it’s hard to comment without knowing. The fact is, he was dishonest and lead you to believe it cost a lot more, so I believe he probably COULD have afforded more, but decided not to for whatever reason.
And then got angry with you for catching him in this lie – well that isn’t fair either. He could have at least handled it maturely and explained WHY he chose the ring/budget he did. Maybe he was clueless about engagement rings? Maybe he didn’t see the point in spending a lot of money on the ring and wanted to put it into the wedding? Maybe he liked the ring? He could have explained any one of those things and have listened to your view on things – especially the fact that silver is not good for a ring you plan to wear for life. But he didn’t, and threw a strop, which screams dishonesty.
You need to have a discussion with him, when you’re both calm. If you go to him all upset/angry it won’t do any good. But as it’s affecting you so much, you do need to have a talk with him. Good luck!
From your OP, it sounds like you’re not upset about the fact that he wasn’t upfront, you’re upset about the fact your ring is cheap.
I’d be ticked off that he wasn’t upfront, but if you didn’t discuss it previously, what was he going to say ‘Oh, btw, the ring is only a cheapie’? That would have been embarrassing. If you HAD talked about it and he never said anything, he basically lied about it.
He should not have freaked out on you and that shows that he is embarrassed, but at least you’re engaged. What ever happened to ‘it’s the thought that counts’? My fiance’s dad proposed to his mum with a ring pop because he couldn’t afford a proper ring, I thought that was cute.
Clearly it’s not your ideal ring, and I can see why you might be bummed about it, but I think you’re missing the important bit here. This man loves you enough to spend the rest of his life with you, surely that’s more important than how expensive your ring is! If it is really bothering you that much, then talk to him about it later and maybe discuss going ring shopping. When he first proposed, i’m sure you were happy, not because of the ring, but because of the fact that you were engaged to someone you love. Focus on that.
The dirt bike thing.. He really should have spent more on your ring and less on a bike! Not sure about that one, if you’re bothered by the fact that he HAD the money, but chose not to spend it on the ring, talk to him about it. Maybe he didn’t think you’d mind, maybe he didn’t know that there was a difference between your ring and a more expensive one. I’ll be honest, i’m clueless about that kind of stuff, it’s completely possible that he didn’t know why he should spend lots of money on a ring when he could buy a cheap one, maybe he thought it was a bargain. That souns completely possible to me.
It sucks that this happened (and that you found out the way you did), sorry.
ETA- Oh wow! I did not know this was a 5 page long thread. After reading your other posts (about him not thinking you’d find out and especially about the ultimatum) i’d be seriously reconsidering. What an ass! By the sounds of it, he just can’t wrap his head around the fact that there is a difference between a diamond and a CZ and does not want to admit that he’s wrong for lying! As for the ultimatum, that’s SO ridiculous. He lied, then tried to make you feel bad, then pretty much disregarded your feelings in order to justify the fact that he lied by omission. I stand by the fact that it is the thought that counts and that you should be much less concerned with the price tag on your ring, but his behaviour is pretty crappy.
“The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.” Maya Angelou
This man has handled this in such a disrespectful manner than I really don’t know what else there is to say. I can understand him getting defensive the first time you brought it up, but you have presented how this has made you feel and he refuses to get to it. Instead of making this right and reaffirming your feelings to make you feel better, he’s crapping on you. Girl run. I’m sorry. This maybe a blessing in disguise. If he’s lying about this, what else does he have up his sleeve.
op, i am sorry you are going through this. there is nothing wrong with inexpensive jewellery but he purposely lied to you and then got mad at YOU when you found out the truth.
does your fi realize that this ring will not hold up to daily wear for the next 50 years? this ring is costume jewellery. it is not meant to be worn every day. how will your fi feel if you do not wear the ring?
i have to agree with pp. it sounds like he will always be putting his needs and wants first. that will make you secondary in the relationship. i had an ex like that. it does not make for a positive or equal relationship.
good luck and keep us updated.
I didn’t think I would update so soon as I had wanted to give this whole mess a few days rest, but my Fiance showed up at my apartment again last night ready to talk this time.
I went to the gym and when I got home Fiance was sitting there with my 2 roomates Jen and Meghan. Jen looked mad and had her arms across her chest, Meghan was sitting there laughing with Fiance. I was like, OK, what’s going on? Fiance had called me several times throughout the day and I did not call him back.
So we go to the other room to talk and he said he had this whole speech ready for me, but now he sees things differently. Apparently, Meaghan told him that she agress with him that I am being materialistic and she would have accepted a ring pop from him! I have to go back and say that Meaghan has been dating her boyfriend longer than Fiance and I were and she’s jealous that I got engaged first. I have known Jen and Meaghan since junior high and we’ve always been close, but since I got engaged Meaghan has been more distant. So her telling him basically what he wanted to hear – that he was right – really doesn’t help my situation.
So I’m not exactly sure what kind of speech he was planning, but what basically came out what that he is afraid that I’m all about the ring, how a guy is supposed to spend so much money, and caught up in the whole wedding industry propaganda that I am missing what matters, that we want to get married. I believe him when he said the happiest day of his life was the day I accepted his proposal. He said when he said he didn’t think I would find out that the ring was a CZ he meant more than he didn’t think I would CARE that he didn’t spend a lot on it. He did not expect me to react as strongly as I did and it took him off guard. Looking back, I probably did react stronger than my original post let on. I may have not been so nice in what I said but I really was upset. But I told him again, if he had been upfront with me, I would have been more understanding. However, I am tired of being told how practical I am about things; this is the one area I want a splurge – yes, I’m sorry but I wanted a diamond engagement ring, and yes I do care that he got me a cheap ring. So yes, I’m upset that he wasn’t upfront with me, but I am also upset he cheaped out.
For those that asked about his mom, he said he did not tell him mom about my ring, so unless his brother has said something, she doesn’t know. His parents eloped right after they graduated from high school, so she never had an engagement ring. She did get a diamond ring for an anniversary but she’s so afraid of wearing it, that’s why she got all the CZ rings. She wears her real diamond only when they go out for special occassions.
He also did not know until he got to my apartment that I had told his brother (gee, thanks for that Meaghan!) so he was very upset with me that I had to run to his brother when it was something that should have been just between us. I apologized for saying anything to his brother, but his brother hasn’t said anything to Fiance. Fiance is mad that he knows, but I said in defense that Fiance wanted the world to know I had a diamond when it was not.
So this is something we going to have to agree to disagree about. Oh, he did take back the ultimatum and apologized. I think I should have a nice ring, he thinks any ring should suffice. I told him I can’t wear the ring he bought me anyway as it’s too big and cannot be resized. He has not yet agreed to get me another ring but he knows I’m not going to wear this one. I’m not sure where we go from here.
And as far as the dirt bike, I still think that plays a part in this. He races as a hobby as his bike is really more like a motorcycle so it was a couple of thousand dollars. I said it makes me feel like crap that he spent so little on my ring then turned around and dropped a load of cash on a toy. We normally don’t fight about his racing, but it is a very expensive hobby.
So he’s still hurt that I told anyone about this and now he feels that anything he gives me is not going to be good enough. He said he honestly did not think I would be so upset about this, that I would think he was smart for not spending a lot of money on a ring. He said he never lied, but I said the ommission was like a lie.
I think he understands me a bit more, but nothing is really resolved. He hates the whole wedding industry and how they make you think you need to spend so much money on one day. He hates how women are brainwashed into thinking if your boyfriend doesn’t spend a lot on a ring that it means he really doesn’t love you. Sometimes he’s just too damn practical for his own good.
He asked to stay last night and I said no. I told him his outbursts scared me too much that I don’t know who he is. He kept apologizing over and over and said it was not him. He has been really stressed out with work and he let that spill over into his personal life. As I said, my reaction also took him off guard so he was probably a lot more defensive than he should have been.
I’m not sure where that leaves us. He knows what I want and I’m not sure if he’s willing to get it.
To make matters worse, I have a huge bone to pick with my roomate. She works the midnight shift so I couldn’t confront her last night as she had left by the time Fiance did. I know I have created part of this mess but I don’t even know what to say to her.
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