(Closed) Upset about my ring. What can I do?

posted 9 years ago in Rings
Post # 47
Member
931 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I’m so happy that all of the Bees are being so supportive.  I was so concerned that people would side with him because the cost of rings can be a touchy subject. Bees, you rock!!

Ok, I agree that there are some serious red flags here.  You have every right to be upset.  I’m going to say something that might not be popular but its very true:  If a man is cheap with you, then he’s saying he’s not really invested in the relationship.  Let me explain before people get the wrong idea.  When I say cheap, I don’t mean he must lavish you with expensive gifts or money.  A very poor man can be generous in other ways and with what he has.  But if his generosity with himself or others is disproportionate with his generosity with you, then he’s making a statement.  The fact that he lied to you, then attacked you and called you materialistic when you confronted the lie, does not bode well for your relationship.  AND THEN he bought himself a lavish gift.  Maybe he didn’t have enough money for both and the bike was his priority.  That’s making a statement.  Maybe that would be fine if it he didn’t lie, but he deceive you.  That is not a good sign.    

Post # 48
Member
318 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I also told my Fiance who is sitting next to me and he said, that was unforgiveable (just a mans perspective for ya)

Post # 49
Member
1590 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@eimajleigh:  I think, whatever our other feelings on rings, everyone agrees that we have the right to know what our own ring is. 

Post # 50
Member
2585 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2011 - Midland, TX

@anothersmith:  +1 agreed on the red flags!!

Actually my ex did something really close to this (he bought car parts instead) and he was not ready to get married and he was immature and very selfish…..

I really hope this works out for you….

Post # 51
Member
797 posts
Busy bee

Ummmm, first of all, I am very sorry that this has happened to you. But on the other hand I think it has uncovered a much larger communication issue that you need to work on as a couple   Being able to discuss finances and expectations in a rational, non threatening way, open and honestly without being labeled or called anything negative. What if you disagree on how much of your salary should be saved for retirement? What if you want to save 50% of your income but he wants to save 20%, what will he call you then? What if you want to be a stay at home mom, what will he label you for that? I wish you the best in having a positive discussion and standards for communicating even if it is an uncomfortable or awkwardsituation. Life is wonderful but also chaotic and messy, you’re going to need to be able to comfort and support each other through all types of challenges. Please use this as an opportunity to practice!

Post # 52
Member
931 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@Jabberwocky:  Agreed. At the VERY least we should know what it is!

Post # 53
Member
894 posts
Busy bee

My cousin has a CZ center stone. Her Fiance (now husband) wanted her to have something beautiful, but couldn’t afford the size of diamond he wanted. So he got her a CZ center stone with the promise to upgrade it to a real diamond later in life if she wants to. I think it’s a sweet sentiment. (Also, Moissy bees, I did tell her about moissanite and she’s looking into it. Wink)

The difference: he told her!

 I don’t agree that this is a “red flag” per se, I think we’d need more information on your FI’s typical communication habits to make that call. But, um, trying to hide it from you? Getting mad when you found out? That’s pretty infuriating. I’d be offended. Not that it’s a CZ, but that he lied and tried to redirect the blame at you!

Sit him down and tell him that it’s not the price of the thing that matters, but you’re going to be wearing this ring every day because you love him, an CZ and sterling silver just can’t take that kind of wear and tear. Let him know that you’re willing to get something modest, it just needs to be durable.

Best case scenario: he just didn’t understand the complexities of jewelry. Worst case scenario: he doesn’t think you’re worth more money than his dirt bike. Let’s hope for the first!

Let us know how it goes. 

Post # 54
Member
6317 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@SnowInApril:  Wow seriously?

I would reconsider marrying the guy. Not because you didn’t get the ring of your dreams but because:

a) he tried to pass the ring off as something it’s not – basically he lied to you

b) he called you materialistic – that’s insulting to you, and blaming you for something he did

c) he actually proposed with a $100 ring when you had looked at pricier rings – thus I imagine your expectations weren’t that he’d buy you a CZ. I am not insulting the girls who do have $100 engagement rings, but I am pretty sure their FI’s didn’t pass their rings off as something they’re not.

Something isn’t right here. You need to have a chat with him about this. There might be bigger issues… maybe he doesn’t have as much $$ as he says… or maybe he is an extreme tightwad that has a problem spending money. Either way, you’re definitely not to blame, and you’re reacting better than I would. This is a trust issue more than anything. Unless he apologizes and has a damn good explanation, this would be a dealbreaker for me. An engagement is supposed to be a happy time, and instead it turned into this.

Post # 55
Member
1180 posts
Bumble bee

He let you think it was a diamond. Thats where this whole thing really gets me. If I thought my ring was a diamond and went around telling me friends how pretty it is and you know, gushing about my ring and being proud of it and THEN I learned after it’s a cz? I would be extremely pissed!

Granted my ring is $140 white sapphire. I LOVE my ring and anyone who asks, I tell them what it is. 

I wish I knew what to tell you honey. I hope it works out for you though.

Post # 56
Member
4913 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I, too, told my Fiance about it and he didn’t believe me and made me send him the link so he could see for himself and he had no words for this.

You’ve gotten plenty of good advice.  Personally, I know my Fiance can’t afford what I want in diamonds and I am fine with that.  We have picked out a different gemstone (Amora Gem).  But, that is something we discussed together and that I want and am excited about. 

I also think that the fact that dirt bikes are generally like what $5-8k and he only spend $100 on your ring makes it seem like he’s super selfish.  My ex bought himself a giant flat screen TV for like $1200 2 months before our 1 year anniversary and then told me he had no money for our anniversary to do anything – not even buy me flowers to go out to dinner.  To top it off, he didn’t even DO anything sweet or plan anything at all or say something like, but in 2 weeks I get my paycheck and I have something planned – he just thought this was going to be “ok,” but you know what?  It’s not ok to spend an exorbitant amount of money on yourself like that and leave nothing for an important event (anniversary,PROPOSAL uhm, hello). 

You are supposed to look down at that ring and remember the promise he made you forever.  Now what are you going to remember?  That he was too cheap and selfish and lied to you?  Great, what a fond memory.

I’m sorry that he did this and put himself first before you, then tried to cover up his selfishness and lies by trying to flip the script on you. 

Personally, I would give him back the ring, but I wouldn’t break off the relationship if this isn’t consistent with his behavior; I would instead say, “I’m giving you another chance to get it right.” 

Post # 57
Member
652 posts
Busy bee

I would also be livid. How thoughtless!!

 

I think you should start telling everyone who will listen exactly what this ring is and how much is cost, starting with his parents and yours. I think he may feel differently when other people are telling him what an ASS he was for doing that to you.

Post # 59
Member
318 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@SnowInApril:  EXCELLENT! I think you did the best thing possible. You deserve ring that you both are happy with!!

Post # 60
Member
931 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@SnowInApril:  You did the right thing.  I’m so sorry, but it’s ridiculous for him to say that he will not get you another ring.  It does sound like he might be cheap with you, but willing to spend on himself.  This is not just a ring.  It’s not jewlery from Target.  It’s you ENGAGEMENT RING! There are two red flags I see in this situation.  1. He still doesn’t think lying was wrong, and 2.  He refuses to compromise and get something else to MAKE YOU HAPPY.  All while enjoying his lovely new dirt bike.  He is being incredibly selfish.  This might be a make or break moment for you both.  I’m so sorry he’s not considering your feelings. 

Post # 61
Member
931 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@SnowInApril:  “Do I call his friends and embarrass him?  Part of me says no, part of me says yes, call him out!  I don’t know if anyone can make him see how I feel.”

The problem with telling his friends or family and THEN him changing the ring, is that it’s still him being selfish.  If he changes it because he’s embarrassed by what they think, then he cares more about what other people think about him than how you feel.  No good.

The topic ‘Upset about my ring. What can I do?’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors