(Closed) Upset about my ring. What can I do?

posted 9 years ago in Rings
Post # 77
Member
2835 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@SnowInApril:  Honestly what shoupd hurt you the most is tyat he tried to start your new life together on a lie.  Undecided  

In your 3 yr relationship have you caught him in otuer lies?  

Post # 78
Member
1334 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Here’s what you can do: give the ring back and say nothing else. You’ve already told him how you feel. He has lied to you and disrespected your feelings about something hugely important.

Dont keep going around in circles with him, you won’t get anywhere.  He sounds really stubborn and completely clueless. If he had any regard for you, he would apologize and offer to take you shopping for something affordable and acceptable (there are a lot of beautiful rings for less than $5,000).

Good luck and stand up for yourself. This situation is completely unacceptable.

Post # 79
Member
684 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@mrsSonthebeach:  I differ a bit there. I think when two people are in a commited relationship they should discuss their finances together. After all some people never choose to marry, not to mention if you can’t get yourself into the sharing communicative mindset I don’t think the act of marraige can fix that. 

Everyone is different but my idea of a good relationship is one where nothing changes after marraige because you are already, commited, communicative and shared. 

Post # 80
Member
557 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I just feel like if he felt like lying about something this small when he could have been honest with you to begin with (if money was an issue), what happens when there are bigger things that are more uncomfortable than this financially or otherwise? Without analyzing the situation to dig at little pieces of what he did wrong or didn’t do wrong and trying to weigh them – this just does NOT sit well with me. Sure, if I look at it more I could find excuses why its not a huge red flag… but it is a red flag. A big one.

Post # 81
Member
684 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I have loads of diamonique jewelry, I love it to bits. I wear a few rings as stand ins in various situations. It hold’s up great as non heavy use but over the years the rings fade and when the platinum coating wears off the jewelry it’s black underneath from where the silver tarnishes I assume? and hard as all hell to put right. I haven’t seen the uncoated silver tarnish to be fair but the gems do loose their twinkle over the years. 

Post # 82
Member
1590 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I think you should show him this thread. Maybe reading the responses would help him get it. 

Post # 83
Member
292 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@SnowInApril:  

 

Awful. I’m so sorry this happened to you. The ring is a symbol of his investment in the relationship and therefore his commitment.  The fact that he decided to lie to you about the ring and get a cheap imitation costing less than $100 should send a message to you. It’s especially bad if he is a working professional with a stable job.

All I can say is I would let him know this is not ok and rethink the marriage. He’s trying to manipulate you into feeling bad about calling him out on his cheapness. Don’t let him turn this around on you by calling you materialistic, that’s a bunch of bull.

Do you want to be married to someone who thinks you are only worth $100? I don’t think so.

 

Post # 84
Member
1731 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@SnowInApril:  Oh, hunny I would be so hurt and angry right now.  But I wouldn’t have called any of his friends or relatives (well okay maybe his mom if we were close).  I agree just sleep on this until the morning when you have the energy I would be so livid.

How come he never brought up this ex in three years?  FI and I ended up having to talk about some exes because of stuff that lingered in particular his ex-wife and my abusive ex bf.  He never wanted to get married again because of what happened, and I still had serious trust issues due to that relationship with my ex even though I had been to counseling.  We worked through those issues together though and are much happier for it.  Him lashing out on you because of an ex is not okay and it kinda sounds like bull.

I feel like if the ex was such a hot topic he should have brought this up instead of sh*tting on you when you found out about the ring and told him its symbol that’s supposed to last forever and this won’t last.  It’s not as if you threw a hissy fit or accused him of being a cheap bastard for getting a CZ ring.

It would have been nice if he had discussed this diamond issue with you beforehand since it seems you are not materialistic and would have gladly accepted some other gemstone.  Why does he think its okay for him to get you what his mother has?  If his mother wore an emerald would you have that on your finger right now or is he just using that as an excuse for picking out a CZ.  And it seems like it was a CZ with no thought behind it too since you mentioned it wasn’t even your style.

It almost feels like he wanted a dirt bike and he wanted to give you a ring, saw this ring on QVC and just ordered it and got his dirt bike.  If he had wanted to do both and had just gotten a dirt bike instead of getting you a ring, then whatever it’s his money.  But in this case it seemed the dirt bike was a priority and the ring was an afterthought.   It wasn’t a “hey I’ll get this nice dirt bike and get her a nice ring that she’ll like later” it was more like “oh well I really want this dirt bike and oh look at that a shiny, cheap, QVC ring, hmmm that’ll do.  She’ll never know the difference.”  Whether or not this is what actualy happened the thing that would really upset me about the ring is that the only thing he was important to him about it was fooling everyone including myself into thinking that it was a diamond.

He must not know very much about jewelry because at some point you would have had to take it to a jeweler whether it was to size it or fix a prong or whatever, and the jeweler would have had to tell it you was a CZ since heat can damage it.  Furthermore since it is silver they would have had to bring that up too since most places won’t even work with silver.  

Does he realize how potentially embarrassing this could be for you too?  Since you noticed a difference between the rings there’s a chance they did too.  That could have made you look really foolish, like you were lying and trying to pass the stone off as a diamond or it could make someone pity you because they think he had lied to you (which he did.)  Him lying to you is just awful and now he won’t even get you a new one that’s just nuts.   It doesn’t sound like he’s apologized either.  This worries me for you.  Did he ever say once I’m sorry for lying to you?  So far it seems he has done everything but including insulting you and insinuating that the CZ should be good enough for you because it was good enough for his mother, and even sort of insulting your intelligence and disrespecting you by saying he just thought you wouldn’t be able to figure it out.  On top of that he’s said that diamonds are a waste of money so he doesn’t want to buy you one, which seems to be fine with you since they are expensive!  But to make matters worse he doesn’t want to compromise on getting a new ring and he won’t allow you to buy one either.  Okay so he gets a nice dirt bike and you get a ring you didn’t want and didn’t need.  It sounds like you would have gladly accepted a twisty tie for a ring, but instead he made it seem like he had gotten you a diamond and was happy to let you parade around town thinking that. 

This vaguely rings me of the thread with the bee who’s FI’s aunt gave him this severely included diamond that looked like a CZ and it was not her style at all, her Fiance was a thrifty guy so he got all excited that he didn’t have to pay for a diamond.  She was so upset and after a week or two of her explaining over and over that she appreciated the sentiment but this was just not her style and it was important to her to have a lasting symbol of their love together etc. he surprised her with a proposal and the ring she had actually wanted.  

Maybe if you are persistent about it like she was he will at least agree to explore other options.  In this case it’s not about the CZ or the money he spent it’s about the lack of thought that went into the whole thing and the deceit, it’s sort of like a slap in the face. Yes he got you a ring, but he wasn’t upfront about it, didn’t bother to get you something in your style and then went off and treated himself.  Yes, maybe dirt bikes are really important to him but a ring that symbolizes your union and that will stand the test of time was important to you.

Just try to work on him to get him to understand how important it is that you have a lasting symbol of your relationship (and that last symbol doesn’t automatically mean a big diamond set in platinum but that a small cz in sterling silver doesn’t quite hit the mark either.)  Hopefully he will get it and you two can move on from this little hiccup in the road.

Post # 85
Member
387 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 1993

@SnowInApril:  It is totally about the effort he put into it and his attitude about this whole thing too! I think he is totally blame shifting too making you feel like you are the one that is horrible for going to the jeweler.

Oh and another thing is the fact that he knows that his mom wears jewelry like that makes me think that maybe she suggested he buy a ring off of QVC. (not that she is evil or did it on purpose) But maybe SHE thought a ring like that would be acceptable and told him about it so he probably thought the same and followed her advice.

Post # 86
Member
755 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@SnowInApril:  I have no idea what to tell you, what a crazy situation! The costume jewelry I wore for my wedding cost more than $100, how odd to think that on your wedding day your ring could potentially be the cheapest thing you are wearing – but it will likely be the only thing you’ll wear more than once!

I’m trying to envision myself with one of my exes that would have tried to pull something like this, and imagine what I would have done in the situation.  But the truth is that those exes were not marriage-material, not for me and not for anyone, for so many reasons.  So I hope this is an isolated lapse in judgment for your guy and not a newly discovered character flaw – because on the surface this behavior seems selfish, inconsiderate, deceitful and just plain stingy.  What I can say with 100% certainty is that I would not continue to wear it.  I would never be able to lie or allow people to believe it was anything other than what it is – cheap costume jewelry from QVC.  Obviously your Fiance was trying to pass it off as real, so does he expect you to lie to people now as well?

Post # 87
Member
3102 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

There are way too many red flags here when this situation is examined. First: expecting to deceive you and others with a cheap ring. The fact that he didn’t think you would find out is very telling, indicating that he views you as someone he can fool, someone less intelligent than he is.  That’s sociopathic.

Second: lashing out at you when his lie is uncovered – in effect blaming you for his own bad decision and making it your fault. Third: spending thousands on a dirt bike while you get a fake ring. Using the fact that jewelry is overpriced (and dirt bikes are not?) is just a convenient way to say that his needs matter and yours do not.

I am really sorry that you are going through this.  I would say consider yourself forewarned if you marry this man.  You have a taste of what negotiation will be like – he will just shut you down if you don’t agree with him.  I would run.  You can do better.

Post # 88
Member
100 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I’m not even a big ring person, but that would really upset me as well on pretty much every level you mentioned.

Personally, I think you deserve one helluva an apology.

Post # 89
Member
2041 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I really don’t understand why everyone thinks it is totally acceptable for you to publically shame this guy because he didn’t spend what you deem to be an appropriate amount on your ring.

I’m not saying he wasn’t wrong to deceive you, but calling all his friends to try to embarass him into spending thousands of dollars of his money on something that he doesn’t want to spend it on is abhorrent to me. He has explained his reasoning to you: take it or leave it. .

If you are so concerned about not being lumped in with his materialistic ex, I really don’t think that you’re dong yourself any favours handling this situation that way.

Post # 90
Member
77 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@doberman:  +1

Even worse than the lying is how he is handling the situation now! He doesn’t seem to give a crap that you’re upset and is not taking you seriously at all! Big red flag.

Post # 91
Member
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

The bottom line is this: He deceived you and he doesn’t feel that bad about it.  Frankly, he’s the materialistic one.  He bought you a cheap ring so that he could buy himself an expensive toy, and now he’s trying to deflect it on to you.  It’s understandable if he didn’t want to spend the kind of money a diamond might cost, then he should have bought a moissanite, a sapphire or another gemstone. OR he should have brought it up with you and decided to go the CZ route TOGETHER.  If he’s a “traditional guy who thinks the man should pick the ring”, fine…telling you in advance that a diamond is out of the question wouldn’t change that!

 

Honestly, I would give the ring back.  No marriage should start off on a lie.  Tell him when he’s ready to be honest and open with you, you will reconsider.

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