(Closed) Upset about my ring. What can I do?

posted 9 years ago in Rings
Post # 92
Member
97 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@sara_tiara:  I’m pretty sure this has very little to do with the amount of money he spent on the ring and more about the deceipt involved plus the reaction to being called out on it.

 

Post # 93
Member
1081 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Like everyone else has said, it’s not about the money. I’ve seen very pretty gemstone and sterling rings that I wouldn’t mind wearing IF there was a reason for it and we decided together.

It’s about him not valuing or respecting you as a person. His toys are okay to spend money on, but not your “toys,” let alone the symbol of your love and commitment. And he doesn’t respect you enough to not lie to you, or to value your opinion or perspective or desires, and he doesn’t respect you enough to not call you names and treat you like trash when you have a problem with something.

It’s hard for me to imagine getting over all of that.

Post # 94
Member
3879 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@SnowInApril:  I’d be upset too…one, because it was like you were being tricked into thinking it was a diamond and two, he called you materialistic.

If he doesn’t have money for a diamond, he could have discussed it with you and maybe chose a gorgeous precious stone ring (there are a lot of nice, inexpensive ones on etsy) or said “honey, I don’t have the money, but this is just a stand in ring for now” or something.

To me, it’s not so much that it’s not a real diamond, but that it’s like he was trying to get it past you without you knowing.

Post # 95
Member
8375 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

@eimajleigh:  +1

View original reply
@SnowInApril:  I’m so sorry this happened to you. As other bees have noted, there are many bees and their SOs who, together, have chosen stones that are not diamonds and some who have chosen sterling silver settings. 

However, it is your FI’s blatant attempt to deceive you, by allowing you to believe that you had received a diamond ring set in gold — and his anger, and very poor behavior (attempting to justify this deception, blaming you for going to a jeweler to have your ring re-sized, calling you materialistic, etc.) following your discovery of the truth — that are the primary issues here.

I do not think I could possibly move forward with wedding planning with someone who has been so deceitful and defensive and who has attempted to turn the tables on me by attacking me and my character when his own wrong choices came to light.

Post # 96
Member
540 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

You know that’s what I asked for: a silver ring with a CZ. I really didn’t want to spend more than a couple of hundred dollars on the ring because I didn’t see any reason to. I am just too frugal. May be he is like me 🙂 and likes to save money.

He should have consulted with you or at least let you know what it was afterwards, though. Just talk to him when you both cool down 🙂

Post # 97
Member
2041 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@bridezilla421:  That may be why she was originally upset, but this plan to embarass him centres completely around getting a new ring:

Do I call his friends and embarrass him?  Part of me says no, part of me says yes, call him out!  I don’t know if anyone can make him see how I feel. 

This is supposed to be such a happy time.  I told him this issue is not resolved and I am making no plans until we go out and get a ring together, then I hung up on him. 

 

Post # 98
Member
5191 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

@sara_tiara:  I think you may be reading the OP’s statement differently than other posters. I read it as, “Do I call other people and ask them for assistance in helping him see/understand my POV, even though that may embarass him?” Wheras you may be reading the same statement as “Should I call up his friends and blab about this for the sole purpose of embarassing him.” I don’t think the OP’s intent is to embarass her SO. her intent seems to be to enlist help in getting him to change his mind, but she recognizes that by enlisting such help, he may be embarassed and she is not sure whether trying to get assistance is worth the risk of embarassment to her SO.

Post # 99
Member
796 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@sara_tiara:  It’s not just about a new ring. 

It’s to help him see her point of view of why she is so (understandably) upset.  To help him understand that deceiving her was wrong.  He’s showing her feelings a complete lack of respect.  Also, she’s emotional and feeling at her wits end, so of course she’s torn about what else to try as talking to Fiance isn’t working.

Edited to add, that of course OP wants a new ring.  The ring he gave her was a lie. You can’t start a marriage on a lie. 

 

Post # 100
Member
4913 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

OP, anything happened since your last update?  Has his brother spoken to him??

Post # 101
Member
3292 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@gangqinjiayes. This.

@doberman:  also this. 

@SnowInApril: You are NOT being materialistic. This is not about the actual material value of the ring. This is about trust, respect, honesty, communication. And that this is the 1 piece of jewelry in your life that is supposed to be really freaking nice and that you’lll wear every day. It’s supposed to be symbolic, and he should get that. 

Post # 102
Member
186 posts
Blushing bee

I agree with pp about the deception, but also after hearing about the ex, this sounds to me like a test, maybe a subconscious one since he was trying to deceive you. Like he was making a point and you would either be happy with a $100 ring or you would be proven materialistic. I doubt he’d be happy with a $100 dirt bike. Tests like that have no place in a mature, loving relationship. OP, I feel for you!

Post # 103
Member
633 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@sara_tiara:  +1

OP, I understand you are upset that he didn’t announce it wasn’t a diamond when he proposed, and that he let you believe it was a diamond. But you said you agreed that diamonds are overpriced and that if he had come to you before that you would have understood. So, I’m not sure why you are demanding a new ring now.

He feels diamonds are overpriced, you agreed. In his experience, diamondique is a less expensive alernative, one that in his experience lasts and decided to go with that. If he had to come to you before hand, would you have been ok with this alternative?

 

Post # 104
Member
2645 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2007

Wow, you have every right to be upset! I think gemstones, cz, moissy asha etc… are perfectly acceptable stones for an e-ring, if the one wearing the ring knows what she has and is OK/happy with it. There really has to be a discussion about these thngs. If he is so traditional, and wanted a traditional surprise proposal, maybe he should have bought a traditional ring. 

Trying to pass the CZ ring he bought you off as diamonds shows that he is not confident with his diamonique decision, if he thought they are so great, he would have told you what they were. And his mother’s rings may look great after years, but she may not wear them all the time. The deception is definetly the worst part of this. I agree with you insiting on a  new ring. You should be happy with your e-ring, he should want you to be happy with your e-ring, he should want you to be so proud to flash your hand when somone asks to see the ring. 

Good luck!

Post # 105
Member
755 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I just wanted to add that if your Fiance wasn’t materialistic he would have proudly told the world that he bought you a $100 silver/CZ ring from QVC.  Instead he wanted everyone (including you) to believe that he spent much more money on a gold/diamond ring, so what does that say about him?

Post # 106
Member
1092 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

OP, please don’t call his friends/family to embarrass him.  This is between the two of you.  He purposely tried to deceive you – that is the real issue here – and he hasn’t apologized or seen any problem with his actions. I would be so pissed, and I would definitely give the ring back and tell him to the spend the 100 dollars on more dirt bike crap. 

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