(Closed) Upset about not being the first-advice/help please :)

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I’m a “second wife” and I used to get insecure and jealous all the time, till I really embraced that I am the one that a makes Darling Husband happy, and I’m the one he chooses to be with. It doesn’t matter if he had a wedding before, because there’s plenty of things I’ve “had before” I met and married him. No one’s keeping score. He knows he upgraded when he married me, and he reminds me all the time! And a bit selfishly, I’m glad he got all his bad relationship habits out of the way on someone else’s time. He learned a lot going through a failed marriage, but I get none of that suffering and all of the benefits. once you see it that way, it will be a whole different — and much more optimistic!— outlook.


ETA: DH’s ex was also bleeding him dry with alimony. So I feel you there. I put up switch a lot during those “lean” times but he was always generous with what little he had. When his alimony ended and his finances improved, he had a much more comfortable opinion on marriage and ring-buying. Divorce is expensive. Don’t let those types of comments about what he can and can’t afford eat at you.


Post # 4
168 posts
Blushing bee

@Tatertot2003:  I think everyone has gone through this in some way.  My boyfriend hasn’t been married, but I’m still his second love, and he’s my second.  Honestly, it didn’t work with the first for a reason.  I’d rather be the last, then the one he dumped/divorced.  Yeah, some things might be happening for a second time, but they should be better because they’re with you.  

Post # 5
2605 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I don’t think I could be a second wife. I couldn’t handle it. I would be really wary of a man who was divorced, especially if he was in the midst of a divorce. It’s not a judgment call; it’s just something I could not do.


Post # 6
3257 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Tatertot2003:  Stop thinking about wedding, start thinking about marriage.  Wedding is just a thing you do to become married.  Getting married is the right of passage and, even at the longest weddings (say, those week long, Indian affairs) the actual transition from unmarried to married is a few words in the middle.

Chill.  He’s just processing thoughts externally, rather than internally.

Post # 7
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

You may be his second wife, but how does that make you second best?

I’m also in a second time situation here… and I don’t look at it as being second best. I look at it as me being the young, hot second wife to be lol. His family loves me.. I’m a breath of fresh air. They did not like his first wife.

Divorces are expensive. That’s just a reality. I wouldn’t take the ring thing too personally.. it sounds more like he is hurting financially more than anything. You could always try talking to him again about it once things are more settled.. and stop comparing yourself to what he had with her. That was the past.. and it sounds really dysfunctional.

Post # 8
138 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I am a second wife to be and he is mine. For some reason I am insecure about certain things. He got her Tiffany’s and my ring while I love it was something off of a random site that when I knocked a halo diamond out he said it probably would be cheaper to replace it with another ring ( that opened a whole can of worms holy shit) Yet I love the ring and he picked it because it is perfect for me e(makes no sense right?) His ex calls me (yup) to bitch him out since he changed his phone number 2 because of her. I refuse to change my number she can just suck it. I look at him when she does this and realize that he is lucky to have me because I am nothing like her. The fact is that yes you are his second but aren’t you happy that you found him anyway? I am glad his ex screwed up and went crazy, I had a 1st love and learned that first loves are great when you are young but sometimes you need more. Something strong and amazing and sometimes you have to love and lose in order to find that love.

Post # 9
107 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@Duncan:  +1

Post # 10
9771 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

You are second, not second best.  I’m sure both of you had histories even before his first marriage.  With that said, some of this is on you for getting so involved with a still married man.  Yes, it sounds as if it were for all intents and purposes over, but it’s an ongoing mess.  

The financial end of it sounds par for the course, not unfair,  according to what I know about divorce law.  She’s entitled to half of the marital assets, half the house etc.  

The comment about the ring was totally  unnecessary and hurtful on his part, but the fact is he IS in a different financial position than when he got together with his soon to be ex-wife.  If you can’t handle that, or the emotional baggage, and I’m not saying you are  wrong for feeling these things, then maybe you are rushing into  things.  

Post # 11
115 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I totally get where you’re coming from. I’m not the second wife, but I am the second engagement. I moved into the home he made for him and his ex. It’s tough. I always felt like he’d turn and run back to her (even though she stomped on his heart and broke off the engagement). I have to say that things turned around for me, and I no longer feel like 2nd, but 1st. It happened a few months before he popped the question. I don’t think it was something he did, but how I started to feel. I became comfortable with the house; we’d been together so long, it was my house (I actually have lived in it longer than she did). His family is my family. His friends are my friends (not hers). He trusted me 100% than I wouldn’t break his heart like she did. And I won’t. And you won’t either. So my best advice is just give it time. 6 months is still new. In time the rough patch will be over and you won’t feel 2nd, you’ll nearly forget he was ever married before.  

Just trust yourself, trust how much you love him, and trust how much fun you have together.

I hope this helps! 

Post # 12
1252 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@Tatertot2003:  I will be a second wife. It bothered me a bit at the start but 4 years in I really don’t care anymore at all. Our wedding will be special because it is our wedding. It’s the first time we will have married each other. Like he said to me once – sometimes you have to do a practice run before you do the final copy 🙂 

This won’t be the case with everyone, but he’s said that he is really looking forward to our wedding and being married, which wasn’t the case the first time around. It isn’t always bad being second – the things they learn from the first relationship and marriage can make them a much wiser and better partner the second time around!

Post # 13
20 posts

Hi Lady!

I will also be a second wife. My story is similar to yours as I started dating my now fiancee before the divorce was finalized. This will be my first marriage. It bothered me during the first two years of our relationship, especially when I started finding the wedding gifts they got from their wedding around the house (I made a point to accidently break or throw them out) and when she started trying to get back into his life AFTER her relationship which she left him for… didnt work out.

Lots of argument betwen us but we got through it. Now I am AOK! And I have absolutely no problem admiting that I will be his second wife… because unlike me he couldnt get it right first time Wink

In regards to his ring comment about the $$$ – NOT A SMART MOVE on his part! He should NOT have said that. Regardless if that’s how he felt he should have NEVER brought up how much he spent on her ring especially if not was not prompted by you!!! But alas men tend to put their foot in their mouths quite a be. God bless them. 

If it makes you feel any better when my fiancee was going through his divorce and we had a casual engagement ring chat he was very strapped for cash and his ring budget was in the 1-2k mark. Now four years later, with my help as we moved in together, he is now financially set again and my engagement ring ended up being in the 12k mark. I think when anyone is strapped for cash things like rings and diamonds just seem too overwhelming so that’s where his answer might have came from.

PS: When the time is right you can definately get a ring even NICER than hers and for less than half the price if you go through a solid online vendor such as James Allen, etc. Or go for something antique and completely different!



Post # 14
11272 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@Tatertot2003:  my dh was married before and so was i.  we were both previously married on the exact same day.   @Duncan:  said it perfectly Stop thinking about wedding, start thinking about marriage.   so very true.

here’s a great tip:  don’t think about being his ‘second wife’.  you are going to be his ‘last wife’.

Post # 15
223 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

My fiance was engaged before he met me. She died suddenly only a few weeks before we met. I had a VERY hard time at first with the same feelings you have. When we started talking about getting married, all I could think was “this isn’t special to him and his family…they’ve been through it before already with her”(the proposal/planning part). I kept getting worked up thinking that none of it would be emotional for him because he had already had these special moments with someone else. And yes, I found the receipt from her ring. Again, we met not long after she died. And no, he did not spend the same amount on my ring for the same reason your boyfriend gave you. He had lots of spare money living with her, but when she died he had to move back into his house and totally gut the place. He bought me what he could afford and guess what? I love it. When he proposed to me, I could tell he was genuinely excited because he was starting a huge new journey in our life TOGETHER, not recreating a moment he had with an ex. 

For me, it was all in my head. He loved me and was thinking about me and our life together, not trying to have me fill the spot of his ex. Stop telling yourself you are his second best–his marriage is over is it not? 

Post # 16
2854 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Tatertot2003:  who cares if you are second as long as you are the favorite?

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