- 4 years ago
- Wedding: June 2013
Bees, I’m so upset and hurt by a friend’s attitude! I’m not sure what’s happened to her – we used to be really close in college and even after. We’ve been friends for almost 10 years but in the last year or so she has gotten really standoffish and not the same person I know and love. Pleae bear with me as I summarize the story.
We had been there for each other for so many ups and downs, personal and professional, and she was really one of my best, most trusted friends, even though after graduation she moved to the East Coast. In February of 2011 she gave me a call and told me she was getting married in less than a month in Vegas and wanted me to be a BM. I was surprised because she had only recently started dating this guy. But I wanted to be a good friend and support her, so with about 3-weeks notice I took off a day from a brand-new job, paid for a very shiny, ridiculous taffeta dress that could certainly never be worn again, paid for a flight to Vegas, and part of a hotel room to share with girls I didn’t know. I only knew the maid of honor and the bride at this wedding. The entire event ended up being very poorly organized with tons of awkward moments, including the reception taking place in just the hotel restaurant with other people there and no seating chart.. but I’ll spare you all the painful details.
In March of 2012 I got engaged and asked her to be my BM almost immediately. Even though we had kind of drifted apart, I still considered her a close friend. I was busy having started medschool earlier that year and she had a new job, so we hadn’t talked much after her awkward wedding. In the summer I came out to the East Coast to visit her and to talk about BM stuff. All my other BMs were in California and I knew she might feel a little disconnected, but any time I brought it up, she told me she’d be happy to take part in my special day.
So we get together for a nice lunch in NYC. To start, she was AN HOUR late and blamed traffic. I get it, it’s Manhattan, but AN HOUR? Ok fine, I let it go. She sits down and before even asking me how I am or anything she starts rattling on about her husband’s sister who is getting married in a few months and how much she hates being a BM in her wedding. “The dress color isn’t flattering on me, the shoes are taupe instead of sparkly gold like I’d prefer, they’re spending wayyy too much on a wedding they can’t afford” she says and goes on and on and on. I’m sitting there thinking, wow, not only are you crapping on another girl’s wedding when your own was kind of a disaster, but you’re also giving me a very strong signal that you’re not into being a BM.
So after about 15 min of her going off about how crappy this other poor girl’s wedding is going to be I am curious if she’ll rip mine apart as well and ask her if she wants to hear about mine. She says “Ok, fiiiine” like she’s doing me this huge favor to hear about a wedding she told me she WANTS to be in. So I show her my dress and she goes “Oh, it’s poofy” WHAT??? First of all, it’s an A-line, not a ballgown or anothing, and besides, what is that supposed to mean??? I brush it off and show her my veil. “Oh, how Jewish,” she snaps. WHATTHEWHAAAAT????? Brides of all faiths wear veils and mine doesn’t even have a blusher for a religious component or anything! I didn’t even know what to say to that.
I had barley picked my jaw off the floor and she just jumps right back into bashing her FSIL’s wedding again!!! Arrrghh! It was just so rude and inappropriate! I thought maybe she was upset about how her own wedding turned out and was being passive agressive, so I forgave her and decided to give her an “out” because she clearly had no interest in my wedding. And that’s ok, I still wanted her as a guest. So I politely asked her if she feels “over” the whole wedding planning stuff now that she’s had hers and would she perhaps prefer to be a guest, epecially because she was the only one on the East coast, etcetc. I was very gentle about it and thought she would for sure agree and you know what she says? “LET ME THINK ABOUT IT!” WHATTHEWHATTHEWHATAAARGHHHH!!!!
Anyway, no part of that seemed like her, so I decided to let it go – perhaps she had marriage issues or just a really bad day. I kept her on the BM email list, but she never responded to any of them when I was asking all the girls for input, so eventually I just took her off the mailing list thinking she had silently chosen to step down as a BM and I was relieved about that. I sent her and her husband an STD card and then an invitation. That whole time since last summer we had barley talked. I live aborad with a 10 hour time difference, but I did try to send her NWR emails and FB messages just to say hi and see how she is, but even if she responded it was always a one-liner.
A few weeks ago she send me an FB message saying she’s not sure she can get work off for my wedding. Umm… she’s a nurse, and I know for a fact she can swap shifts easily because she’s told me about doing that for other occasians. Plus she’s known my wedding date for OVER A YEAR. Ok, fine, whatever, I don’t even care anymore. So today was our RSVP deadline and of course I hadn’t heard from her. I saw her pop up on FB and politely said that I’m still hoping to see her and just wondering if she had heard about getting the day off work. She says, “Oh yeah I’m coming but don’t know about my plus one.” “Great! (I say) When do you think you will know your hubby’s schedule so we could give a final headcount to our caterer?”
Her response “He still does not have a job but has several interviews so he might start working or not. So I have no idea. I wanted to bring an old friend if he can’t come but he also couldn’t give me a definitive answer. I do wanna go alone :(” WAITWHAT????? She says she’s coming… but doesn’t want to go alone… OK, I guess I wouldn’t want to go to a wedding by myself either if my hubby couldn’t make it… except she knows people at my wedding and I barley knew anyone at hers and still came (she didn’t even invite my FI who was a serious BF at the time) and who the heck replaces the plus one intended for an SO with some random friend? And with a sad face, really?
ARRGHHHH I’m sooooo annoyed and upset. None of this is like her and I’m not sure what’s happened to her. I’ve tried to reach out a couple of times but she has been so shut off. I have no idea where our friendship stands or why she is so standoffish and rude.
Thanks for listening to my vent, bees, do you have any insight or suggestions?