Post # 1
SO would love to buy a house, but I’ve always said I don’t think it’s a good idea to buy property together until we’ve made a decision about our future and whether we want to get married. Otherwise there’s a possibility that we might break up and it would get messy if we owned a house. In other words, I won’t sign on the dotted line unless we’re engaged.
This past week we’ve had big problems with our landlord and SO is even more adamant that he wants to buy a house. He said, very seriously, that he wants to move forward and thinks we should just get on with our lives, look at buying a home etc. Fantastic! I’m sick of waiting and I also want to get on with our lives!
But SO doesn’t seem to understand that it’s not ME who’s preventing us from moving forward – it’s HIM, because he hasn’t proposed! If he proposed I’d happily buy a house together. But I’m not willing to enter into property ownership with him when I don’t even know if we’re staying together.
SO said of course we’re staying together, he loves me and he’s made up his mind to stay with me, etc. But actions mean more than words – he hasn’t made a plan for proposing, hasn’t bought a ring and doesn’t have a date or even a year in mind for a proposal, so how am I supposed to take him seriously? He said he doesn’t know when he’ll propose exactly, just “eventually”, and he wouldn’t care if we were engaged for ten years or even had a baby before we got married. According to him, a proposal means nothing anyway because it’s just words and isn’t legally binding – silly kids get engaged all the time and then break up – whereas buying a house together is a real commitment. I disagree – I want a ring on my finger and a wedding date booked before we buy a house, and I want a wedding photo on my wall before we have a baby.
So now I feel quite upset, annoyed and confused. If he’s already made up his mind to stay with me, then why doesn’t he propose? If he wants to move forward with our lives and increase our commitment, buy a home together etc, then why doesn’t he propose? And most annoying of all: Why is he blaming me for not getting on with our lives when he’s the one who hasn’t proposed?!?! I feel like he just wants to buy a house – he wants me to help pay the mortgage but he doesn’t want to marry me.
Post # 3
@Gorjuss: I say stick to your guns. He sounds like he’s dragging his feet about the proposal, have you asked him why? My Fiance said that he would’ve proposed sooner if he had the money earlier on to purchase the ring. Could something financial be hindering him? Saving for a house and a ring at the same time could be difficult. Definitely don’t give in to buying a house with him though; I suspect if you do, his proposal won’t come anytime soon.
Post # 4
when you’re both relaxed and calm, talk about it and see if you can reach a compromise. since you feel so strongly about this, if you give in, you might resent it
Post # 5
From my experience, I wouldn’t purchase a house together until you two were actually married. Engagements go wrong also.
If finances are a problem with purchasing a ring, it will be a problem purchasing a house. Down payments and closing costs can be a heafty amount of $$ when the time comes to close on the house. Wait until you get money. Save any money you get from the wedding and put towards a house and closing costs. That’s the smart thing to do. Don’t be in such a hurry to get a house. It’s expensive to purchase a house.
Post # 6
I do think compromise is important, however it’s not right in every circumstance. He’s saying he wants to be with you, he’s made up his mind etc…. Sorry but it sounds like he isn’t considering you at all! Do you get a say in any of it?! he sounds like he’s taking you for granted, kinda, ‘oh I want to be with her so that’s what will happen…..’ Irrespective of your feelings!
Sorry, that’s annoyed me on your behalf!! I actually think you need to lay it out clearly for him. As in, yes you know how he feels, however you will not be buying a house without an engagement and you will not be having children until married. Then ask him what he would suggest as a solution!
ps I’ve done both without an engagement and, whilst I’m still waiting, I am happy with my choices, but I totally respect you have your own wishes….. And he should too!
Post # 7
@Gorjuss: I agree with both of the PPs. If thats what you want then you should stick to your guns and do things your way. Does he realize strongly you feel about this? And that you have a certain way you would like to do things? Staying together and getting engaged/married are two different things to me. And I agree with your choice to be engaged before buying a house together. Could you tell him that he doesnt have to have a ring to propose? Or thay he could get a “stand in” and you two could go pick out something together at a later date? I would sit him down and talk to him about your feelings on this topic and let him know that you are serious about. And I agree that if you give into buying the house together he wont be proposing anytime soon. It sounds like he is comfortable with things as they are and sees no reason to change it. Just let him know how important this is to you and its not negotiable. Good Luck!
Post # 8
My grandma has money put aside to give all of her grandkids (including me) a small deposit when we’re ready to buy a house. So we aren’t saving for anything, we have no debts to pay off, and he has a good job which he was promoted to last year. Also he knows that the type of ring I want would cost less than 1k. There’s no financial reason why we can’t get engaged – a ring would only cost a couple of hundred more than he spent on my Christmas present! I have no idea why he’s dragging his feet – he just says he isn’t the kind of person who makes plans 🙁
Post # 9
@Pinkrefresher: Agree X 100! Spot on!
So it sounds like nothing is holding him back finically. I hear the whole “I dont make plans” thing, I think its a guy thing. BUT spending the rest of your life with someone is something you plan. And it sounds like he has already decided he wants kids, whats the difference between that and planning to marry you? I think he needs to know how real the possibility of losing you is if he cant “plan” to marry you. Getting engaged does not hsppen on accident, hes going to have to plan this no matter what. I really like how Pinkrefresher said to tell him how you will simply not buy a house without being engaged and what is his solution to that. Just sounds like hes awfully comfortable and maybe if you shake things up he will get with the program.
Post # 10
@Gorjuss: I can definitely see why you are frustrated- I would be too!! I am pretty frustrated for you right now! Staying together eventually and getting engaged this year are two completely different things. I agree with the PPs and I think it’s really important to stand your ground. This isn’t something you should compromise about- these are your values. If you have a bad living situation, another solution is to find a new apt/house to RENT, rather than buy. I also wanted to add that I am a law student and that I would not recommend buying a house together based on the legal ramifications involved. You definitely need to explain all this to him- he obviously doesn’t get it. Lastly, this is not your fault, so try not to feel that way- your man is the only person keeping you from buying a home together. Money isn’t the issue, so at least you know that. My SO is also the kind of person who “doesn’t make plans” (and really he never does). I think he needs to realize that your relationship is at a stalemate until he makes plans this ONE time and you need to emphasize that it is really important to you because if it is important your partner should care about it (even if they personally think it is just words and not legally binding and unimportant). A fun fact is that in some states an engagement is a contractual promise to marry, btw, and an engagement ring is a conditional gift the recipient may keep on the condition they are married.
Post # 11
@Gorjuss: personally, I bought a condo with my guy before we made any plans to marry. still no ring but we’re strong despite that. Only you know if marriage is more important than living together. Lots of couples live together without rings and a debt of $15-20 000 on their heads. it also build equity and your credit score will be amazing. but, thats me.
Post # 12
I went and am going through this too, for a little while back in August we were looking at houses and he had met with a real estate agent, now he’s been looking at rental houses for us after his lease expires in March AND our two year timeline agreement to be engaged (we aren’t living together and I won’t unless there is a ring on my finger, he very much knows this) so I don’t understand why my SO is skipping past the most important step. He keeps referencing “our” and “we” when he’s looking at these places and it’s very frustrating. Like yours, affording a ring is not an issue, there’s no real reason for the holdup.
I agree, do not settle on buying a house together before marriage if that’s not what you want, the same as I am not living with my SO without being engaged, it’s too easy for women especially to get into these situations and give up what they really want by compromising too much on important issues.
Post # 13
Tell him the story of what happened to the man who never made plans…… His whole life passed him by!! Lol seriously though does he realise that this is serious? Is he prepared to hurt you or maybe even lose you all because he doesn’t make plans? hopefully he will realise how lame that sounds!
Post # 14
I’d go with your gut! You should’nt have to compromise what you want to do just because he isnt ready. I have been with my SO for 5 years, living together for 2 and now if he decides he doesnt want to move forward, it will be quite a messy situation! I wouldnt buy a house with him if he cant commit. Too messy! You know what you want!
Post # 15
I’m with you on the “no ring, no home purchase” (I wouldn’t do it either!). But, just so you know, it is possible to have a legal document drawn up in advance detailing how the property would be handled in case of a split before marriage.
I’d stick to my guns, though.
Post # 16
I would totally agree with you on this. Tell him he’s free to buy a house on his own and put you on the title when you’re married. You can even pay him rent by the month, but not sign papers. But I wouldn’t own property with someone I wasn’t married to, either.