Post # 1
We went out of town to visit my best friend and also attend a wedding. The whole trip was stressful and frustrating. We have a 4 and half year old who is 90% well behaved. My husband thinks I allow my son to do whatever I want all the time but I don’t and I DO discipline him, but I think he expects me to spank him all the time.
Anyways, being out of town with a different environment with my son, he was acting up a bit and my DH was getting upset and I disciplined our son but I was not going to yell at him or spank him in public.. He complained to my best friend and her husband about how I don’t ever discipline our son and went on and on..
At the wedding we attending, we are part of the wedding party and he on and on at dinner about how I don’t let him go out to drink or with friends. I defended myself and said that is not true, that he can go out when ever he wants, I just do not like him going out and getting drunk because he drives home drunk. After dinner, I could not find the rental car where my husband said that he parked it (my husband left to go to the bachelor party) so I called him because I couldn’t find the car and I was getting upset because I had my parents with me who are disabled.
He said everyone thought I was controlling just from hearing his part of the conversation and I was not controlling him in anyway. I am upset at him, I tried explaining how I felt but he kept saying, I don’t know why you are upset at me, I did not do anything wrong..
I don’t know what to do..it is very embarrassing that people think I am controlling when I am not at all.
Post # 3
Regardless of how controlling/non controlling you are, your husband needs to stop sharing his dirty laundry with people. It’s your business and if he has a problem then he needs to come to you about it and not anyone else.
And why are YOU the only one in charge of your son?..takes two to make a baby which means HE can help out.
Post # 4
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
Are you the only one who disciplines? You two need to sit down and make some agreements about when to discipline and how. And then stick to them.
I have a teensy suspicion, from the tone of your post, that you are defensive about your son. That leads me to believe that perhaps you do let him get away with things. Only a guess, obviously. But either way, it’s clear your husband thinks you do.
I would be very annoyed at my FI if he was criticising me publicly. That’s pretty uncool. But it sounds like he is at a point of annoyance that it’s causing him to behave like that.
TALK about the issue.
Also, talk to him about alternatives when he’s out drinking. Driving home seems like the easy option, but even if he doesn’t end up killing anyone, if he gets pulled over it is going to be a nightmare. Not to mention it will cost AT LEAST $10k. Try to make him see sense on that issue. But maybe not in the same convo.
Post # 5
@Laurenskii: My husband does discipline our son too and he is more strict and firmer but I keep telling him that he cannot expect our son to be 100% perfect all the time. We have talked about how we disciplining him and we do stick to it, but I think he feels it is my fault whenever he starts acting out.
Post # 6
@prahajess: I am not the only one who disciplines our son, my husband does too. I admit I am not as strict or firm compared to my husband but my son does listen to me but there will be days where he throws tantrums and that is when I do discipline him to stop the behavior.
I did try talking to him but I think in his mind, he feels I give him everything. I guess it is because I am more nurturing to my son. I was so annoyed with him telling people things which were not true and I guess he probably finds it funny.
Post # 7
It sounds like you have a bit of a communication issue with your husband. He doesn’t/refuses to understand your approach to raising your son, and feels like its ok to publically bash you in front of friends. You feel uncomfortable with this and have told him, but he still doesn’t get it and continues to do whatever he wants.
Its not ok for him to continue doing something if it makes you sad or upset, just because he thinks its funny. And apparently, he thinks that you checking in and not wanting him to indulge in dangerous behavior is “nagging”.
A lot of people will suggest couples counselling, and i think its a good idea. I almost think that your husband needs an outside perspective to see how he is damaging his relationship, and he needs to learn healthier ways to express his feelings or issues that are actually constructive.
Honestly, it doesn’t sound like your husband respects you as his equal partner, he sees you as this person he lives with who he has to answer to when he steps out of line (but he doesn’t think he is). in other words, like his mother. That is on him, you sound like you are doing what any normal mother and wife would do and say, and he has unrealistic expectations.
Post # 8
augh! Hugs sweetie!! You guys need to have a serious chat about how you are in this marriage together – that means no backstabbing or bad mouthing. If he feels you’re controlling, he needs to talk to you in private about that – it is not a public discussion. He is acting like a brat (in my opinion) and needs to man up.
Post # 9
He sounds disrespectful and mean. Issues between the two of you, should stay between you. I think a serious discussion needs to be had about the way he views you and how he chooses to share it. Seriously not cool.
Post # 10
@seamonkey1: I’m not a parent so I don’t want to give you parenting advice. But I have to ask, has your DH always been like this? Meaning thinking you are controlling.
Is he a complainer? I’ve come to realize that DH is a HUGE complainer…traffic, weather, work, etc. He’s said things to people before that made me look bad. I don’t think he realizes he’s doing it.
Post # 11
@Laurenskii: +1. If your husband has a problem with you, he needs to tell you rather than try and publicly humiliate you. The behaviour you described is not controlling; he sounds incredibly immature. Maybe he has other examples but solely based on what you said, he is the one with the problem.
I don’t know any woman who would want her partner driving drunk, being a lazy parent, or making her disabled parents walk around aimlessly. The bigger issue for your relationship is that he sounds like he doesn’t respect you and is not prepared for what a committed relationship entails. Your priority should be your wife and kid, not your friends and drinking.
Post # 12
It’s strange to me that he is saying you’re controlling yet he is also saying that you let the son get away with things. I would think that if you were actually controlling, you would be controlling of your son as well. Who know’s though.
I think you and him need to talk about this, in private. I would have a # of things to discuss if I were you:
1. How to discipline your child. Make sure you and him are on the same page and come to some kind of agreement.
2. Why the hell is he talking about you like that in front of people. If he has a problem with something he would be sitting down and talking about it in private like you and him would be right then, not in front of all of your friends. Tell him how it made you feel when he did that (i.e. embarassed? anything else?)
3. The issue of being controlling. How does he feel about this? Why does he think this? What would he like to see change?
Post # 13
Honestly, it sounds like having a heart-to-heart about whatever issues he seems to be imagining wouldn’t work. You already told him to stop bashing you to other people, and he didn’t listen.
If he thinks you’re so controlling, show him what controlling is. Tell him to put on his big-girl panties and suck it up from now on. If he doesn’t like it, he doesn’t have to go anywhere with you.
Post # 14
Your husband is being a serious crazy person! That’s not controlling–not hitting your kid in public is basic human decency! And he’s 4.5, not 45!
And all you wanted was to know where your car was parked!
Post # 15
Yikes! I am sorry you are dealing with this!
I agree with PP’s that he needs to not air out his issues with you with friends at ALL!
When he was talking about you not letting him go out and drink with others…was he smiling? Did he mean it like a joke, like he’s happy that he has to stay in? Some men are like that, they want an excuse to stay in but the complain about it in public with their friends so they don’t seem lame.
If I were you I would have a serious talk with him when you get home about his feelings/perception of the relationship…and how he’s made you feel by the comments he’s made in public.
Post # 16
- Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY
Sounds like husband doesn’t think your kid is well-behaved 90% of the time.