(Closed) Upset Ex is now engaged? So Long but really need honest advice

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1480 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I think it just means you’re human! The way things ended, there wasn’t much of a chance for you to find closure. And having had zero contact with him and no information about him all this time, it must be quite a shock that he’s suddenly engaged to another girl – the last you knew him, he was still the boy who broke your heart! I can see why it’s hitting you so hard.

Don’t beat yourself up for reacting emotionally. That’s natural. Let it all out, take it easy and pamper yourself over the weekend. You’ll already be feeling much better by morning, I guarantee it. *HUGS*

Post # 4
Hostess
11246 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I agree with jayce: you’re just being human. I think nostalgia has a big part to play – from personal experience, after all you did love this person at one stage. Don’t email him on FB – you don’t need to, he isn’t part of your life anymore.

Post # 5
Member
600 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Then again, emailing him could help with the closure she never got.

Post # 6
Member
166 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Aww I think we all had an Andrew at one point or another in our life.

First loves are REALLY hard to let go of. I don’t really know why exactly but I’ve never met anyone who didn’t have a soft spot for their first.

Like previous posters pointed out, the last time you talked to him he was the boy who broke your heart and then you shut him out. So your world continued but he was no longer a part of that. So I’m sure seeing him as engaged was a shock because to you he was still a college freshman who broke your heart. You never saw him grow into a man, a college graduate, someone else’s lover. Its not easy.

Rest assured what you are feeling is normal.

I don’t think you should message him on facebook. Your opportunity to do that was when he messaged you last year. Maybe you could write congratualtions on his walll or something but be careful. Sometimes old habits die hard and you don’t want to confuse yourself by starting up a relationship with him (even if it’s a friendship). Your feelings are just to raw and it’ll cause way more drama then you need.

HUGS love! Eat some raw cookie dough, listen to some sappy music, and take a bubble bath. You get one day to feel sorry for yourself and be sad but then you have to put it behind you and continue planning your happily ever after with Mr. Bubbles!

Post # 7
Member
353 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I had an Andrew too, his name was Tom. We were together for a very long time and more or less grew up together. Splitting up was so hard and heartbreaking and even though I’m now very happy in a new relationship getting married in 6 months, Tom will always have a special place in my heart. The ties of love cannot be cut just because a relationship ends, when you mean so much to one another it would be unnatural to erase that. It’s only natural that you still feel a special connection to Andrew, it shows you’re human and you have a loving heart.

In my case I did the breaking up and even so, I know I will always care for Tom and wish him well. We shared so many special years together and so many firsts, and that will never go away, he’ll always be an important part of my past. When he tells me he’s getting married I’m sure I’ll feel all sorts of feelings too.

I eventually told Tom I was engaged and getting married, I debated for a really long time whether to or not, but when I did tell him it lead to an email conversation where he said he was honestly happy for me and wished me all the best in life and that not a day goes past where he doesn’t think of our time together with a smile. We were together almost 10 years (from 18-27) so really did grow from teenagers to adults together and that will always mean a lot. But it doesn’t mean that we want eachother back, it just means that we’re both happy and thankful for the time we had as it’s made us into who we are today. Obviously, at the time of the break up we didn’t feel this way but with time perspectives change.

So anyways, what I’m trying to say is that your feelings are very natural. Andrew will forever have a place in your heart and that’s not a bad thing, it’s our past experiences who make us who we are. Maybe it was just the surprise that’s made you upset, and flash back to the past and also what could have been.

Cheer up, email him and congratulate him on his upcoming marriage and say you’re getting married too. Wish him all the best and then leave it at that. But don’t try and meet up with him, that’d be a receipe for trouble!

Post # 8
Member
10288 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

It looks like I’m on the other side of this but maybe thats because all of my ex’s are worthless and I wouldn’t ever give them the time of day.

Your happy with your Fiance and your getting married in a few months. He’s moving on with his life, just like you are yours. I wouldn’t have ever unblocked his profile if I were you and I certainly wouldn’t send him a FB message. I honestly don’t think anything good can come of it. Move on, be happy and allow him to do the same. Good luck!

Post # 9
Member
2742 posts
Sugar bee

I really really honestly don’t think you should be in contact with him. Actually, I do believe you should not have unblocked him. If it’s not too late, re-block him (sorry, I don’t know FB etiquette so I don’t know if that’s possible). Sometimes, I think one should just move on with life. I don’t know if you need to mourn the end of a relationship years after it ended, I don’t know that it’s a good idea. You were happy 3 days ago and now this guy has thrown you for a loop. Try and think about your upcoming wedding to the fiance you love and let your ex go once and for all. I should say that I have a friend who had a Boyfriend or Best Friend in high school, we are talking eons ago……and she still references him and thinks of him and the hurt he did her. She’s been married for 7 years now and has a kid. I don’t get it. She loves her husband but that first Boyfriend or Best Friend has a psychic hold on her. Not that I’m saying it’s the same here, but I remember her calling me, very sad that her first Boyfriend or Best Friend was getting married… I had to point out to her “Honey, you’ve been married for 3 years”

Post # 10
Member
514 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

I think you are upset because with you blocking him out of your life, it feels like he went straight from breaking your heart to marrying someone else overnight but realize there were a lot of years in between. You will forget about it…it’s just shock. Don’t contact him.

Post # 11
Member
4419 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Write a letter to him… I don’t mean an email, I mean an actual pen to paper letter.  Pour out your heart, telling him everything you’re feeling, everything you felt, everything your feeling about his engagement, what he did to you, everything.  Write it all down, get it out, don’t worry about spelling or grammar, just get it out and then burn it and let it go. I mean literally take a match to it, watch it turn into a big old ash, and get rid of it. Flush it down the toilet, because that’s where these things belong.

I know it sounds silly, but this really does help. If you continue to think about him after you write your letter to him and burn it, then write another letter (again, not an email), this time from him to you. Write it as though he is telling you everything he’s feeling about you, about his fiancee, about college, etc. And have him apologize for hurting you. Then consciencously forgive him, burn his letter, and flush it too.

Then when you’re done, and this is really important, close your eyes, take a deep breath and picture your fiance. Write a love letter to him (again not email). Tell him how much you love him, what he means to you, and how happy you are to be marrying him. Write out all your feelings for him, and then stash it away somewhere, and hold onto it. Your relationship with him is the important one, so you want to keep it.

Give it a try.  I think you’ll be surprised how cleansing doing it is, and how it helps you release what isn’t important and hold onto what really is important.

 

 

Post # 12
Member
5657 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2012

You’re human. Feelings like this are normal. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your SO.

Here is a similar experience I had. I dated a guy for a year and a half. I really loved him, I’d say he was the first person I ever truly loved. Unfortunately, he broke up with me and I was heartbroken. We broke contact with each other. I was guarded too, but very soon I was dating my current SO. Two years into what has been a wonderful relationship, I suddenly ran into my ex. Suddenly, feelings for him came flooding back. In the end though, there are a million reasons why my current SO is better for me than he ever was. There will always be a special place in my heart for him, but it just doesn’t compare to my current relationship.

I wouldn’t suggest sending a message to Andrew about this, personally. I just feel like that is a dangerous thing to do. I think you’re better off just trying to forget about him and his engagement than diving into it further. It just seems to me that you’d be making it more dramatic than it has to be. Don’t shake up Andrew’s world over this… and how would your Fiance feel? 

Post # 13
Member
6892 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

I like LoriBeth’s suggestion. Write what you NEED to write, or feel you need to write, and get it out of your system. But then get rid of it asap. Burn it, tear it into tiny pieces, whatever. We did this in some of my undergrad classes a few years ago and let me tell you: it works! I’ve since done it with a situation with a family member.

As far as your feelings, I would say they are normal reactions to a situation, but they are certainly nothing that needs to get in the way of your CURRENT relationship OR his. They’re just feelings. You don’t necessarily need to act on them. 🙂

Good luck! 🙂

Post # 14
Member
111 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I’m probably not the norm, because I’m friends with a couple of my exes.  Good friends even.  Some because we found each other years later on facebook.  Nostalgia bit me in the booty and it was good to catch up.  I’m happy for them and where they are in their lives.  Honestly, I think what is really bothering you, is not that he’s engaged, but that he’s engaged to someone from high school, that you knew back then.  It’s probably the scenario you envisioned for yourself at one point.  Don’t let the what if’s and the grass bite you!!!  You know what I’m talking about…what if I didn’t block him out completely.  What if I had tried contacting him sooner…did they talk when we were dating?  Oh, I so know what you are thinking.  Did he contact her while trying to look for you.  The Notebook was a great book and movie, but it doesn’t always work that way.  Or, ask yourself all those questions…really think back and be honest with yourself about where you think you would be right now and would you trade that for where you are right now with Mr.Bubbalicious? 

Post # 15
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

Understandable, and completely human.   I recently found out my first love is already married and has two kids.   That threw me for a LOOP for a day or so.  The last time we talked was right after college graduation, we had been best friends for over 5years. We grew up together.   I think it felt so unexpected because even tho I had moved on, and fell in love, I hadn’t really thought about him much at all and hadn’t expected life had moved on for him.  

I agree w/pp that your probably more upset that it’s someone you knew back then.  

I wouldn’t contact him, just be happy that he has found someone that makes him as happy as you are with Mr. Bubbalicious. 

Post # 16
Member
3522 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I like the idea of writing a letter to him…and then burning it. And blocking him. And moving on with your life, because no good can come from this.

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