(Closed) Upset to not be part of Bridal Party

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
Member
523 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I can understand how you are hurt, but I don’t think any bride needs to go around informing people they are not in the bridal party. Usually people just figure it out if they aren’t asked. 

Post # 3
Member
766 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

That the bride wants you involved tells me that you just didn’t make the cut by a hair and that she hasn’t told you sounds as if she were trying to determine a tactful way to do so while inviting you to be involved in some other manner. Perhaps the bride is a stickler for even sides? Maybe she has only budgeted for X amount of bridesmaids. 

It does not sound to me that your friend is trying to hurt your feelings and that you are still very important to her.

Post # 4
Member
853 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

Has she asked all the other bridesmaids, or are they assuming they are in the bridal party also? I would wait until you hear her talk about her bridal party herself before you make assumptions. I don’t believe she owes you any explanation though, it’s her day.

Post # 5
Member
7440 posts
Busy Beekeeper

She probabaly avoided telling you because she knew your feelings would be hurt. It also sounds like she is trying to find a role for you but has not found it yet.

Post # 6
Member
6214 posts
Bee Keeper

Sucks to hear you’re not in the party, but at the same time, it sounds like you’re making some assumptions about the bride.  Maybe one of the other girls said “what about xxcharlie?” and she gave them that answer, then said girl stepped out of bounds and told you before the bride ever got to discussing options with you.  She’s certainly right about not saying “hey xxcharlie, you won’t be a bridesmaid… sorry!” because that’s just downright rude.  It would be like telling you all about a party she’s having but by the way you’re not invited.

You probably aren’t as close as you thought and that’s too bad, but don’t let the other girls bring you down, either!  Be graceful, realize that her wedding party size might have spiraled out of control if she’d added you in as well. Maybe she’s trying to match the groom’s numbers because he hasn’t got enough friends. Maybe her mom said if she invites more than 4 girls (or whatever the number) she’ll have to include cousin Lucy and her little sister Becky. 

Take some time to feel hurt, but then just move on and be a good friend.  Give the bride a chance to bring up the subject herself (or not) and see how she treats you as a friend otherwise.

Post # 7
Hostess
4581 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

I’m sorry you’re hurting 🙁 I was scared to ask my bridal party for reactions like this. I have a lot of very close friends, but don’t want to have a 14 person bridal party. Because of that, some of my very close friends are not going to be bridesmaids. There’s really no good way to tell your friend that you love them but they won’t be a bridesmaid, so I didn’t tell them. It doesn’t mean that the bride doesn’t love and appreciate you! It’s crappy that your mutual friends told you and that everyone else in your group is in the weddings, but I’d try to look on the bright side – you won’t have to buy a dress or pay for anything else the bride requires!

Post # 8
Member
2957 posts
Sugar bee

It sucks to feel left out, just know that there are a ton of factors and politics that go into choosing bridesmaids that aren’t always a reflection of how close you are or strenght of your friendship. That she wants to include you somehow makes me think she respects your friendship and wants you to feel included/important.  Being a bridesmaid can be a huge PITA, by the way:)

Post # 9
Member
833 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I have definitely felt this way before, which is why I’m biased when I say that I think your feelings are normal! My best friend from high school became close with a group of girls (also from my high school) while in college, but she and I still remained good friends. Over time I kind of felt like I became her sounding board for everything that she disliked about the other friends, and when it came time for her wedding I found out on her wedding website that her maid of honor was someone she had repeatedly called a racist and claimed she didn’t want anything to do with…and I wasn’t involved at all. Regardless of what anyone else says, you’re entitled to your feelings and I totally understand how awkward and hurtful it feels when the bride has been avoiding mentioning it to you, clearly because she knows there will be hurt feelings. I feel ya, girl!

Post # 10
Member
3423 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
xxcharlie:  I don’t think anyone should be tellign you you’re not in the Bridal Party.  You only get asked if you are in the Bridal Party.  No she shouldn’t have sat you down to tell you this.  

She probably feels less close to you then you do to her.  Sorry it sucks.  Relationships are rarely 50-50

Post # 11
Member
6349 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

I totally get that you’re hurt. It sucks to realize that one of your friends apparently means more to you than you do to them. 

However, I disagree that she should have told you that you would NOT be in the bridal party. That’s just a weird conversation. “Hey xxcharlie, just so you know I’ve already decided on all my bridesmaids and you’re not one of them.” How many people exactly is the bride supposed to have this conversation with? It just seems unnecessary and rude. People find out they’re not in the bridal party when they’re not asked. It may seem sucky but I think the alternative is worse. 

Post # 12
Member
3879 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Just think of the money you will save. 🙂

Post # 13
Member
374 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

View original reply
xxcharlie:  I’m sorry to hear this Bee.

I have to say, it would be unusual for her to tell you that you are NOT in the bridal party.  It does go assumed that if you are not asked to be in it that you aren’t in it.

However, it hurts.  When my brother got married his fiance’s brother was in his bridal party.  His fiance’s father was officiating the ceremony and his fiance’s mother was the matron-of-honor.  Then all of my brother’s were groomsmen.  I was the only sibling not in the bridal party (for both sides).  I was extremely hurt and upset.  I am his only sister and I would have thought I would be a Bridesmaid or Best Man.  This was 8 years ago now.  And they are now divorced.

In hindsight, I am sooooo happy I was NOT in the bridal party.  His ex is a flipping B*tch.   But, their way of having me be “part” of the special day was by having me do a reading.   My brother’s fiance’s mother sat there telling me what I should wear.  She said I should wear a long dress.  I remember telling her “I’m not in the bridal party, so you can’t tell me what to wear.”  I ended up wearing a short black dress.

Looking back, I am so happy I wasn’t in that bridal party. 

Post # 14
Member
410 posts
Helper bee

As someone who is in the position of the bride in this story, I just want to extend a heartfelt apology on behalf of your friend. I’m so sorry that your feelings have been hurt, but please believe me when I say try not to take it too personally.

For me, choosing bridesmaids has been the most stressful part of wedding planning to date. I think, as part of the whole Wedding Thing, we put far too much personal weight onto who has or hasn’t been chosen as a bridesmaid. It doesn’t mean the bride doesn’t value your relationship, nor is it a popularity contest, and you should not read into it too deeply. There are so many extenuating circumstances that go into that choice. My fiance and I had to set a certain cap on bridal party for practical reasons. Without it, I would have had about twelve girls standing up there with me. However, when a friend of mine from college (who I’ve grown distant with, truth be told) found out that she was not included through a mutual friend who is also my Maid/Matron of Honor she was very hurt. I think our friendship might be over, and that makes me quite sad.

I can tell you why the bride didn’t say anything. Seeking someone out to tell them that they’re not a bridesmaid just intensifies the situation. It makes that choice (or lack thereof) seem suddenly quite personal. For me, it felt like it would be unnecessarily hurtful to call up my friend out of the blue and say, “Oh, by the way, you’re not a bridesmaid”. I also felt like I was making the assumption that SHE assumed that she would be a bridesmaid, and I wasn’t even positive that that was true. However, I had always planned on inviting her to all of the festitivites (bridal shower, bachelorette, etc.) and very much wanted to see her at the wedding.

But, that isn’t happening. I feel quite certain she won’t make it to the wedding. I also think that our friendship might be ruined as she won’t return my calls or emails, and that makes me really sad.

My advice? It’s okay to be hurt. But still go to the wedding, unless you truly want to end the friendship. But it wasn’t a choice that your bride made to hurt you, and it’s not a choice that you should read too deeply into. You’re invited to the wedding—she definitely wants you there and values your friendship.

Post # 15
Member
1271 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

I was once in that same situation, and when I found out I too was very upset. Worst part is that I was previously engaged years ago and I had asked her to be in mine(thank god that wedding never went through). Turns out a girl she’s known for less then half the amount of time she knew me ended up being her Maid/Matron of Honor. we aren’t friends anymore and yes it was bc of this whole wedding ordeal but it was so much more than just not asking me to be in her bridal party; she never invited me to anything (bridal shower, engagement party, bachelorette) and eventually didn’t invite me to the actual wedding even though they sent me a save the date. I was very very hurt and to this day I still don’t know why they chose to do that. 

 

Anywho, I eventually got over it and let it go. I realized it wasn’t worth my time to worry about it anymore. Some people have their reason as to why they do things, right or wrong. My advice to you is to just let it go. If you value your friendship with her, just forget about it and move on. Maybe there’s a very good reason why she couldn’t have you in her bridal party. 

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