(Closed) Upset to not be part of Bridal Party

posted 4 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 16
Member
1042 posts
Bumble bee

I went through something similar with A really good friend of mine. I’m still not sure why she picked why she picked but I’m sure she has her reasons.   It still hurt, but I’m focusing on all the money I’ll be saving, wearing a dress that I want And most of all being able to be a guest and enjoying the wedding.   Being a bridesmaid is a lot of work and money!    I hope you take a moment and try to focus on the positive. ((Hugs))

Post # 17
Member
260 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

As a bride I had this situation. I had 7 bridesmaids as it was so I felt anymore would be getting out of hand. The person in question is a good friend from work but I had known her the least amount of time out of all the girls. She also happened to have a side business as a wedding planner and she just assumed that since she knew so much about weddings she’d be a bridesmaid. I didn’t think I had to tell her she wasn’t one-I thought anyone knew to wait to be asked but she said to me she didn’t have any info on the bridesmaid dress and I was in shock! How can someone just assume something like that? It made for a quite awkward situation and in the end she declined coming to my shower and bachelorette party (I had 4 people at my bach that weren’t in the wedding so it wasn’t like she would be an odd one out). She came to the wedding but left immediately after dinner. Our friendship still isn’t back to normal quite yet. 

OP-I understand your hurt but please don’t take it out on the bride. She may have her reasons and surely this isn’t enough to end a friendship over. Go to the wedding and be happy for your friend. It truly is just one day and the details of the one day won’t be remembered very often. 

Post # 18
Member
907 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

It’s much harder to pick a wedding party than I could have imagined. I very well may be the bride in this post! 

We decided on 5 people to stand up for each of us. We are paying for each honor attendants’ lodging for sure and maybe even their attire. Also, any more than 5 just seemed like a zoo at a 125-person wedding. 

In my case, it’s two siblings and three of my oldest and best friends. That left one person who I’m trying to honor–as a speaker, maybe? Still trying to figure that one out! I’ve only known her for about 6 years, as opposed to the bridal party, who I’ve known for an average of 22 years each! 

I really hope she doesn’t see it as an indication that I don’t value her friendship. OP, I doubt that’s the case for your friend as well. 

Post # 19
Member
2658 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

I have a very close friend whom I did not ask to be a bridesmaid (I’ve only asked one friend, the other girls are family) and I cannot imagine pulling her aside to explain that she wouldn’t be a part of the bridal party – I would think that this would upset her more than just figuring it out on her own, as it seems to be more personal. She knows that she’s not a bridesmaid (someone asked me who they were in front of her) and she’s never said anything to me about it, nor has anything gotten back to me if she is upset. I would hope that, as my friend, she would understand that I simply could not ask everyone.

Whilst it is fine to be hurt, I really hope that you don’t let this affect your relationship with the bride. There are all sorts of reasons that she may not have asked you, and most of them aren’t any sort of reflection on your friendship. She probably hasn’t said anything to you because she’s worried about upsetting you, so please don’t feel like you aren’t important to her.

Post # 20
Member
273 posts
Helper bee

My own sister didn’t ask me to be a bridesmaid. I’m not gonna lie,  that stung but what can you do? I told myself that it was her wedding and she could choose who she liked. I let myself feel disappointed and then I let it go. With some time my feeling stopped being hurt. I know now that she regrets not asking me.  Flash forward a few years and now I’m the one getting married and i realize how hard it is to choose only 3 bridesmaids. I ended up with 4 (and yes, my sister was one of them) and still there were several people that I couldn’t include. My cousin and SIL among them. I didn’t leave anybody out to slight them or indicate that I value their friendship any less,  it just wasn’t possible

Post # 21
Member
2123 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

Personally I think honesty is the best policy, and the bride should have sat you down and talked to you over coffee. It’s all very well saying she shouldn’t be singling you out to say “hey xxcharlie, you’re not in my wedding!” but when you’re an adult with adult friendships, you acknowledge that friendships are a two-way street and you should be open and honest with those that you love and care about. You also acknowledge that some of the choices you make are going to hurt people, and you should accept responsibility for that. It’s all very well for people to tell you (the hurt friend) not to ruin your friendship over this, but friendships are mutual. The bride should not ruin your friendship over this either.

There is every chance that she loves you very much but has had to leave someone out due to strict numbers, but she should be telling you that. It sounds like that’s the case since your friend said she’s trying to organise another role for you. That’s hearsay though so don’t assume it. If I were you I’d sit down and talk to her. You risk resenting her otherwise. Don’t moan at her though, just simply say you’ve heard that she’s chosen her bridesmaids already and you’re sad you’re not one of them. Leave it at that. This will give her the chance to explain things, and hopefully to help reduce your hurt feelings.

Post # 22
Member
1407 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I felt this way a couple of times before I was married or engaged, that I was left out because I wasn’t asked to be “in the wedding.”

When I finally ended up on the other side, planning my own wedding, I realized how easy it was to inadvertently hurt someone’s feelings about something, how expensive even a small wedding would be. I ended up going with just my daughter as a maid of honor, no one else. That decision came after lots of hand-wringing, and thinking about, well, if I ask this one to be a bridesmaid, then I have to ask so-and -so too, and then what about somebody else. And then would my husband have to match the number of people I chose, as one friend was warning me that uneven sides would be a disaster!

The stress of planning a wedding was almost unbearable for me. This one decision, to limit my bridal party to a maid of honor, made that aspect of my wedding so much easier. The fact that NONE of my friends were in the bridal party helped to cut down on people being offended. But not everyone is willing to forego a group of bridesmaids. How many would your friend have if she included all her friends?

Now looking back, and reading so many stories, here on weddingbee, I think it is too bad that there is such a division between the bridal party and people who are considered “mere guests.” I felt as if everyone was part of my wedding.

Post # 23
Member
2805 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

xxcharlie:  Try not to take it personal. It was really,has for me to choose between my friends for my BMs. So I kinda didn’t. I picked the friend who set us up and the rest are all family. I feel really guilty about some friends who are left out, but what am I supposed to do, call each to tell them they weren’t picked? That seems like salt in the wounds to those that care and unnecessary if they don’t. 

I get that you are upset, but at least your friend is aware of that and that she wants to include you in her day because you are important enough to her. 

Post # 24
Member
205 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Sorry it hurts, bee. The sting will wear off – I promise! I’ve been there before, but my own wedding and my age shifted my perspective. I wouldn’t take it personally, though I understand it’s easier said than done. 

It was so hard choosing people for our wedding. We decided on only have siblings/people who are basically family. As a bride, I liked having less people to worry about. Two of the people I’d considered couldn’t come, and I’m no longer friends with another. I knew if I needed more help leading up to the wedding, I could count on people outside of our bridal party. 

This might sound selfish, but I’m not a huge fan of being a bridesmaid. It’s so expensive and you’re on call up until the wedding and most of the big day. If you’re told to wear a specific dress, it may look terrible on you and cost a small fortune. I’d be happy to do it, and would always help whether or not I was a bridesmaid, but I’d be just as happy to come out and celebrate with friends and Darling Husband. Maybe thinking of it this way will help, but I know it will take time to feel at peace with the situation. 

 

Post # 25
Member
325 posts
Helper bee

Picking a bridal party is tough. I originally had 8 until my sister dropped out. The 7 remaiming are my 6 best friends from home and FIs sister. However I have made some great friends in my new city where I have been for over 5 years now, but if I included all of them my number would have been at 13! I’m even in one of the girls weddings this year. It was worried knowing I wasn’t able to ask her to be in mine. I thought about what to do, if I should say something the next time I saw her like “I really appreciate our friendship but I kept it to just my friends at home” but the timing just never seemed right. It’s kind of an awkward thing to do when you think about it.

Try not to let this ruin your friendship. I understand you are hurt, but it doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about you. 

Post # 26
Member
64 posts
Worker bee

I definitely can relate; I twice have been not picked when I thought I was a likely candidate. Not as a bridesmaid – because I’m a dude – but the same principle applies.

As for telling you or not, I’m not sure it’s all that normal for someone to be told that they won’t be in the party. I think your friend not telling you is to be expected. I think usually they just ask those who they want to be in the party to be in it, and leave the rest alone. Eventually they make a page on The Knot or other wedding website where you can confirm they did indeed pick other people.

To actually take a person who wasn’t picked and tell them specifically that they are not in the wedding party would seem an unusually forward step to take. It would indicate that you would have reasonably expected to be in the wedding party (why tell someone who didn’t expect to be in the first place?). It also would usually indicate that you and the bride have a level of closeness that allows for such uncomfortable conversations. And if you were that close, why weren’t you in the wedding in the first place? Usually someone that close to the bride (or groom) is left out only in uncommon situations. For example, if a wedding has to be super small, and so the bride decides to only include her two sisters as bridesmaids, that would warrant her talking to her best friend about why she won’t get to be in the wedding.

This kind of thing almost always hurts a friendship. That isn’t to say it has to ruin it, just that it is now apparent that you two maybe weren’t so close as you thought. And this is one major close friend milestone that, barring tragedy, generally isn’t repeatable. But don’t leave any possibilities off the table. Depending on all the various things that happen in a life, you two may still have many years of good times ahead. But it’s normal to feel as you do.

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