Post # 16
Your sisters have been enabled by your parents, who really did them no favors. I wouldn’t look at girls who were raised to be self-centered and entitled to have any interest in something that doesn’t revolve around them. Maybe you can take the dresses back.
Post # 17
I would explain to them that you are hurt that they are choosing literally everything over their own sister. Then I would go into detail the reasons that you chose them to begin with and then end with that you have decided to ask your friends instead because they are genuinely happy for you and supportive. Sometimes people get lost in their selfish behavior and it is our job as brides to make this moment as special as we can for ourselves. Your happiness is what matters most
Post # 18
You’re making a lot of mistakes here.
*Grown adults don’t have to get each other Christmas presents. It really does add up and becomes unnecessary… I have 2 sisters and since college we just get our parents gifts and vice versa. We may do something small, like a framed photo, but that’s it. Can’t believe you would EXPECT a gift because you got them one… that’s not what the spirit of giving is!!
*If your parents are taking money from your wedding to pay for their hotel rooms, be mad at your parents. How is that your sister’s fault? Your parents are making that decision. My mom did deduct money from my “total wedding budget” for her dress and my dad’s tux, but I didn’t complain.
*No, bridesmaids are NOT expected to donate to a bridal shower. It’s nice if they ask if they can do or bring something, but it’s not expected. Your bridesmaids are probably feeling unwarranted pressure from what I’m gathering… how are you making THEM feel good about the time and money they are giving up for your wedding?
*Have you directly asked your sisters for the $54 for the wedding dress? How far away are they at college? Maybe they’re busy and don’t have time to put a check in the mail.
*Were you asking your sisters to pay for stuff for your wedding? You insinuated that when you said “help with stuff”…. if so you’re even more in the wrong.
Post # 19
- Wedding: September 2016 - Blue Hound Farm
Your sisters sound like real assholes. I’m sorry bee
Post # 20
I agree I will be more firm the next time I have seen them multiple times since the dresses were bought and have asked them and they just blow it off like it doesn’t matter.
Post # 21
Exactly, it comes down to the fact that I asked them to be a part of the bridal party because I wanted them to because they are my sisters and I did think I could share this with them. But when they act and basically have said they don’t care, it hurts yet I have some of my best friends asking and just seeing how things are going.
If the roles were reversed they would feel crappy about it too. Thanks for understanding. My Fiance and I wanted to make it about family, both of his sister and brother are in the bridal party too.
Post # 22
I see what you mean I do agree my parents are enabling this behavior, I guess I didn’t think it was an issue until they have been in college. They really only do care about themselves. I wish it didn’t have to be like this it would be nice of them to be happy for me and have fun with it, but they don’t see it that way.
Post # 23
Thanks for the advice, I think a talk with them is appropriate at this point. Maybe they really don’t want to be a part of it. I am not asking for them the moon and more, just to help with the centerpieces as my dad and I were making them together and I thought it might be something they would enjoy and want to help with too, something all of us could do together. I have not asked them to do anything else besides that because they have said no they won’t help.
Post # 24
Thanks, their true colors really are coming out….
Post # 25
I appreciate your insight.
The gift giving is not a good example I agree and I do not expect anything from them as far as gifts for any occasion. A better example would have been both were in a wedding last summer for one of their friends from high school and both put a lot of money towards the event including paying for their own dresses, helping plan the bridal shower and bachelorette party. The won’t even offer to help plan with my Maid/Matron of Honor when she asked them.
My parents are generously giving us money to use for the wedding. I have thanked them multiple times. I have no issue with them taking money out for stuff that they need to pay for, but to take it out for stuff when my sisters just don’t want to pay for their own stuff seems a little low when they already told us the amount they would give.
I asked my sisters to be bridesmaids because they mean a lot to me and I wanted to be apart of the day. I think when you are asked to be a bridesmad it is expected that you will have to give some time commitments and spend some money for dresses, etc. I am not asking them to spend a ton of money or time, I mean the dresses were $54 and it is one night in a hotel. If it is expected that the bride pay for everything then no one would have a wedding. The fact that they have spent more on friend’s weddings and helped do stuff for their friend’s weddings, but they won’t do anything for their own sister, sounds quite wrong to me.
The dress I have asked them multiple times for the money since they were purchased in May, they have been home multiple times to pay for it and spent a couple of days on an over night trip to Wis Dells, they paid for it with their boyfriends but yet can’t pay back for a dress. I mean the writing is on the wall.
Thanks for your input though, I just won’t ask them do anything as a bridesmaid even though they do it for others, really I’ll just ask them to step down, it’s obvious they don’t care to be one anyways.
Post # 26
I’m sorry but this sounds incredibly selfish on BOTH ends. Yeah, they should be paying you back for the dresses as they promised before going on trips and buying presents for their boyfriends. No, your sister shouldn’t have tried to make your dress appointment about her. Yes, they could be more gracious and involved.
However, it really sounds selfish on your end. You’re pouting about not getting a christmas present from your sisters? Oh how god awful of them to buy a gift for their boyfriends but not their sister and her fiance. What?
You’re also mad that mommy and daddy can’t fork over more money for your wedding fund because they need to help your sisters pay for hotel rooms? Er… if that doesn’t scream spoiled brat, I don’t know what does.
And they aren’t handing over cash for your bridal shower? Bridal showers are a privilege, not a requirement. If your Maid/Matron of Honor wants to throw you one, that’s fantastic. If your sisters want to contribute, that’s lovely. If not? That’s just how it goes. No one should expect them to pay.
Now you’re continuously asking them to help you with the wedding? I’m sorry that is not the job of your sisters. If your other friends (who you want to replace your sisters with in the bridal party) are offering to help, great! Use their help. But bridesmaids aren’t required to do any work for the wedding. I will never understand the brides who think BMs should be oh so excited to DIY centerpieces. Ugh, I didn’t even want to do my own, let alone someone else’s.
I really think you need to adjust your expectations of your sisters.
Post # 27
I think think some Bees are being rather harsh.
I’m very close with my sister (she’s my MOH) and if she were acting like this I’d be really hurt.
If you’ve made it clear from the beginning that they would have to pay for their own dresses, and they agreed at the time, then I think you should be very firm in asking them to pay up as it seems like they’re really dragging it out.
I also think it’s time for a chat with your parents regarding the whole situation as it seems like your sisters are walking all over them. Are they expecting your parents to fork out for the dresses as well?
Post # 28
Thank you for insight.
The gift giving is not a good example I agree and I do not expect anything from them as far as gifts for any occasion. A better example would have been both were in a wedding last summer for one of their friends from high school and both put a lot of money towards the event including paying for their own dresses, helping plan the bridal shower and bachelorette party. It’s one thing to do it for another person and then turn around and say I can’t afford that for their own sister’s wedding which is significantly less.
My parents are generously giving us money to use for the wedding. I have thanked them multiple times. I have no issue with them taking money out for stuff that they need to pay for, but to take it out for stuff when my sisters just don’t want to pay for their own stuff seems a little low when they already told us the amount they would give and its just my sisters wanting stuff to be paid for them.
I don’t get the whole the bridesmaid thing. My understanding is if you are asked to be a bridesmaid, it is expected that there will be some costs and time commitment to being part of the bridal party. In this case, they were willing to do it for other friends, but not their own sister, it is selfish.
So being a bridesmaid, I mean so you get to show up and do nothing to help the bride (you don’t even need to listen to ideas, going to dress fittings, etc.) and be honored like you deserve something?
No, as I see it if you are asked to be a bridesmaid and you don’t want to take it as a privilege or an honor and don’t want to help or be involved to some extent (I asked my sisters to help hold to pieces of wood together that would have taken an hour) then you should say no to be being a bridesmaid. If it is expected that the bridesmaid just show up and not offer support or even just being there for the person asking them to be apart of their special day, then why have bridesmaids. I agree they shouldn’t be asked to bend over backwards, but a little bit of helping like an hour of their time or talking about the wedding is and should be expected.
For my situation, I agree I need to adjust the expectations of my sisters, they are willing to put everything in for their friends, but not their own sister, they don’t care to have the privilege or honor to be a bridesmaid so they will be getting asked to step down. I asked them because I thought they would be people I would be happy to say are there to stand by me and they aren’t.
Post # 29
Thank you for understanding, I am close with them and it it really seems they could care less and don’t want to be a part of it. It is hurtful and it roles were reversed I would be there for them.
Everyone agreed at the beginning they would pay for their own dresses. It was made clear.
Post # 30
mwsrfrgirl: Have you been a bridesmaid before? Technically, your only job is to show up the day of the wedding in the dress the bride wants you to wear and support her for her big day. To me, it’s both an honor (that the bride considers you one of the most important people in her life) and a burden (since it can be very expensive!). That being said, yes where I live at least, it’s expected that the bridal party put together a bachelorette and a shower if one of the bride’s relatives is not already planning one. I’ve been an Maid/Matron of Honor three times in the past two years and have happily planned these events for my friends and family members, however, it’s not reasonable to expect everyone to contribute. For two of the showers, I paid for it entirely on my own (as a broke law student), the other time, the bride’s mother covered most of the expenses. I did ask the bridesmaids if they wanted to contribute, and they either were uninterested or unable to – it is not a requirement.
I shelled out a lot of money I didn’t have and honestly, had a I been a Bridesmaid or Best Man in any of those weddings instead of the Maid/Matron of Honor, I probably would have declined to give the Maid/Matron of Honor money as well. The money I spent as Maid/Matron of Honor while in law school was my grocery money and I lived off of wheat thins so that I could give my loved ones the shower I thought they deserved. Not everyone is willing to sacrifice important things. Giving gifts to their SOs and going on trips can be more important to them than your wedding. I guess what I’m saying is that it looks like your wedding isn’t as important to your sisters as you’d like or they don’t know what you expect of them. They shouldn’t be expected to help out with the wedding. I invited my BMs to my dress appointments. Some could attend, some could not, and that’s ok. Everyone is really busy and though my wedding is really important to me, I don’t expect it to be the center of my friends’ and family’s universe.
ETA: I pulled out all the stops for my sister’s wedding, which was a week after I took the bar exam (read: poor, exhausted, and stressed out). She’s one of my MOHs and isn’t planning a shower for me nor attending my bachelorette. Yes, it does hurt a bit that she’s not as involved with my wedding as I was with her, and I definitely am not trying to invalidate those feelings. I think it’s just healthier to lower your expectations of your sisters in this case. I still love my sister dearly and would never consider removing her as Maid/Matron of Honor for not being able to do those things.