(Closed) Upset with FI – how would you react/respond?

posted 7 years ago in Traditions
Post # 17
Member
1087 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I agree with your decision, let it go, but tell him in the future you are a team!!

Post # 18
Member
2546 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@BirdieNY:  I know it sucks, and he probably should have spoken with you about it before hand, but I think he felt pressured and on the spot when Jo kept asking him why he wasn’t a groomsman.. Very bad etiquitte of Jo- I would never dream of asking a friend why I wasn’t in their party- how rude! But, he had to say something to him. 

DH’s brother signed our marriage license which is not as lovely as a ketubah, but it’s from mexico & has mayan designs all over it so I will be framing it. His brother signed it & fingerprinted it along with his wife, my brother & his gf. We found out about a week later that my new brother-in-law didn’t think our marriage ceremony was real or counted because it wasn’t in ‘merica! I was fuming angry that he signed our license and stood up as our witness but felt this way- I would have chosen someone else! What I came to realize is that it really doesn’t matter in the long run that his signature is on it. I don’t even notice it now to tell you the truth. my pictures are a whole nother thing- I’ve got about 20 of him stomping on some kiddos sand castle trying to look sexy into the camera…. what a waste of my photogs time & my money! I’d let Fiance know how you feel and why, then drop it. It’s really up to him who he wants to choose, and that’s what I realized in the end with DH & his brother… 

Post # 19
Member
428 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I totally understand where you’re coming from. I wouldn’t want something hanging in my home that reminded me of bad decisionmaking rather than a marriage commitment! However, since what’s done is done (can’t un-ask Joe now), I think moving forward you just have to do what you can to turn it into something positive. For example you can talk it over with him and agree to decide important things jointly from now on… then when you look at the ketubah you’ll see Joe’s signature as a reminder of the time you took a crappy situation and solved it together, as a couple.

Post # 20
Member
1723 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@BirdieNY:  He already asked him…so I don’t really think there’s anything you can do about it.  It sucks that it happened like that, and that you aren’t happy about it…but IMO you should just let it go and not stress over it.

Post # 21
Member
1140 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Since you need two and he picked one, you get to pick the other.  Looks like he’ll have no say in who you pick, then! 

Post # 22
Member
277 posts
Helper bee

@BirdieNY:  I feel like a lot of people commenting on this don’t fully understand this tradition. This isn’t a “document”. This is a beautiful, often displayed marriage contract. Although I don’t know what you can do now, I so seriously hope you can talk to your Fiance and get him to at least understand where you’re coming from. TALK.TO.HIM. If this is a lesson in your relationship, it won’t leave such a bad taste in your mouth. Good luck! 

Post # 24
Member
277 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
@BirdieNY:  And that’s a really good thing to be represented. Every couple has their learning experiences. Instead of looking at is as the “time he made a huge decision without talking to me”, think of it as the “time he really listened and we made a step forward in our relationship and towards being a married couple and a true unit.” We’ve ALL had this happen, and the most important thing is what comes from it. I’m glad it was a learning experience. And I don’t think I said it before, so congratulations on your upcoming wedding!

Post # 25
Member
4192 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

I would have assumed that you each pick one of the witnesses- you pick a friend and he picks a friend. I didn’t have a “say” in DH’s wedding party, nor did he in my selections-seems like that’s how your Fiance viewed it as well.

Post # 26
Member
3120 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I think Fiance needs to try to understand why you’re upset.  I wouldn’t try to make him reneg his choice at this point, but I think it’s fair that he chooses someone and you choose someone.  You’d be fine with him being a groomsman but not a signer?  I think Fiance just surprised you and you have a right to be upset, but I’d leave it between you and try to move on.  

ETA:  Just saw your update.  Great!!!

Post # 27
Member
754 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@BirdieNY:  I do not think you are overreacting. It is your wedding, your marriage and I would look at the bigger picture too. It is more than just a signature and if it is important to you then it matters. I would be really upset if someone who witnessed my marriage and signed as a witness was a fair weather friend. I would want a relative or someone who supported us as a couple or meant something special to one of us. 

It is a hard position to be in but I would rather a random friend be the 5th groomsman than forever be a part of my marriage certificate. If it were me, I would take the blame. He would have to say something along the lines of “I wanted you to be a part of our special day but jumped the gun when I asked you to witness for us. My fiance had other plans and I didn’t consult her. I would really like you to join me by my side as a groomsman if you would consider that?”

It isn’t worth losing a friendship over but I would understand if I was him. It is beleivable and true, women tend to hold the reins on wedding plans. 

Post # 28
Member
1284 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@BirdieNY:  I don’t think you’re overreacting. I’d be upset. I’d want those names to be people VERY dear to us. I mean it goes up in your house! It is a symbol of your marriage and the witnesses should also represent your values and be able to speak to your commitment to each other. 

Post # 29
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee

He should have mentioned it before hand, but he didn’t, so you will just have to accept it and move on. He can’t un-ask Joe, so you will be stuck with that signature on it forever. Even the person you choose could end up not being so close to you in 10 or 20 years down the line, or you could even downright hate them, you never know. Perhaps your Fiance chose Joe because he felt bad for not making him a groomsman, and made the decision last minute just to give him a role.

Post # 30
Member
34 posts
Newbee

@BirdieNY:  I mean, in a perfectly ideal world, he would have asked you first.

But then again, in a perfectly ideal world, my FH’s best man wouldn’t be a crass, often-inappropriate drunk at our wedding filled with our med school classmates and some of our bosses…who I know is already penning his speech.  

My point being:  you can’t win them all.  Maybe if you were particularly religious I’d say, go at it, but ….eh.  Doesn’t seem worth it.  

Post # 31
Member
9681 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@BirdieNY:  I’m not Jewish, so excuse my ignorance – is signing the document more significant than being in the wedding party? If it is, I think your Fiance should have been honest with his friend. He wasn’t selected because only his closest friends were. It was rude of his friend to even ask the reasoning, but I think your Fiance should have at the very least asked you first. Wedding stuff should be a joint decision. At least I think so. 

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