Post # 1
Hi bees, I’m hoping to get some advice, or at least commiseration. This might get long, so I apologize in advance!
For the last 4 years, Fiance has gone on vacation with his friends to a location about 18 hours away by car. I’ve gone with the group for the last 2 years. I’ve never especially enjoyed the trip for a variety of reasons. It’s a remote beach location, so there isn’t really anything to do there. The group basically just sits around and drinks for a week. Fiance and I are the oldest in the group (early 30s) and sitting around drinking for a week just isn’t that fun for me anymore. The group also spends a lot of time at the beach, which presents some issues for me because I have very fair skin. Even with sunscreen, my beach time needs to be limited to a few hours in a day. I end up spending a lot of time at the house by myself while everyone else is at the beach. Add in the fact that some of the personalities wear on me over the course of the trip (fine for one day, ready to kill someone by the end of a full week) and you have what amounts to a pretty miserable 10 days including the excessive drive to/from. I’ve gone because Fiance really enjoys the trip. He gets to spend a lot of time with friends he doesn’t get to see all that often.
Next year’s trip is less than 2 months after we get back from our honeymoon. I spent a significant amount of time planning a very nice week-long getaway to Jamaica for some R&R after the stress and excitement of the wedding (with FI’s input). Fiance is still insistent on going on the group vacation even though it’s RIGHT after the honeymoon and it will be tough to take yet another week off of work so close after the wedding. I just can’t understand why he’s so adamant that we MUST go on this trip. It upsets me that our honeymoon isn’t enough for him. It also upsets me that he has what feels like no consideration for the fact that I really, really don’t want to go again. We argued about it last night, with him saying that if I was going to ruin his good time by complaining about not wanting to go he would rather just stay home. I hate that he makes it sound like I’m his mean mommy who won’t let him play with his friends.
I’m starting to wish I’d never planned our honeymoon, since the timing doesn’t work well with the other trip. I’m not excited for it at all right now, and Fiance would clearly rather go on vacation with all his friends and pretend he’s still 22 than go on a romantic trip with me. If we wouldn’t lose $2000 in deposits I would seriously consider cancelling.
I wish there was a way to compromise, or for him to go on the trip and I stay home, but there isn’t anything that would realistically make both of us happy. Only one of us is going to be happy with the outcome, and I know I’m going to have to suck it up and go on this trip (and piss off my boss that I need another week of vacation).
If you made it this far, thanks for reading! Please, please tell me anything that will make me feel better. Tell me I’m making a big deal out of nothing, or that I should be happy that Fiance will be happy. I know it’s not a big deal in the big scheme of things, but this is weighing heavily on me and I’m feeling miserable.
Post # 2
I guess I don’t understand why he can’t go on the trip alone?
It’s not enjoyable for you, so why do you feel obligated to go?
I think the honeymoon really has nothing to do with the core issues, or this other trip, and talking about cancelling the honeymoon seems…rash and a bit punitive. Just because he wants to to go on this trip he seems to go on every year and looks forward to every year, does not mean he does not want to go on a honeymoon or trip alone with you! It’s not one or the other, or like he is booking his beach trip the same week as your planned honeymoon. He wants to do both.
I mean, I get you don’t want to or can’t take extra time off from work, but that takes me back to why must you go on the beach trip which you clearly do not enjoy and seems to stress you out? I don’t like spending my earned time off with people I don’t like spending time with, or doing things I don’t like to do, either.
Post # 3
mandaluv1119: Why couldn’t he just go and you spend time with your girlfriends/family and go to work? There isn’t a ‘big work project’you have to work on? or can your boss deny your leave? Not sure why there isn’t a compromise there for you.
Post # 4
Why don’t you just let him go without you?
It sounds like a tough situation. I can’t imagine sitting around and drinking for 10 days in a row – how boring! But it’s good that your hub is passionate about keeping his old friends. A lot of guys just lose touch with their friends when they get older. Maybe just let the issue be for a bit, then tell your hub you just can’t get the time off for the second trip so you don’t mind if he heads out alone.
Post # 5
Agree with PP. Why can’t he just go on his boys trip by himself…?
Post # 6
May I ask why it’s not possible for him going alone and you staying at home?
Post # 7
I don’t think him wanting to see his friends 2 weeks after your honeymoon means that your honeymoon wasn’t good enough. It just means he wants to go on the other trip.
Why can’t he go alone?
Post # 8
It’s not a boys’ trip, it’s all couples (sort of… long story). He doesn’t want to go without me because of that, which I can understand. We’d need to find one person to replace me, and he’d have to share a room with them.
The reason I’m feeling blah about the honeymoon is because if we weren’t going, my only objection to the second trip would be that I don’t feel like going. That, I could get over. It’s the time and expense and the fact that we will have just been at a beach for a week.
Post # 9
Another vote for him to go on the trip by himself. You both can enjoy the honeymoon and then he can go on his guy vacation when you get home. Everybody is happy then.
Edited because OP posted an update the same time as i posted this: I think you should just tell him that you can’t go on the second vacation and piss people at work off. If he wants to go he can find a friend to bring. He can decide if it’s that important to him! I still don’t think you have to go and be miserable.
Post # 10
mandaluv1119: Here’s the compromise. You both go on your lovely weekend to Jamaica. He gets to go on his vacation with his friends. I don’t think you are really in the right to say he cannot spend time with his friends because you both just got married. If you don’t want to go, do not go. However, you do seem like a mean mommy if you try to control him. It might be an important and fun annual retreat for him. Let him enjoy his life.
ETA: I just saw your update. He can pay the couple’s share if he cannot find someone else to take your place. More expensive? Yes. But it’s a compromise that could work.
Post # 11
If I were you, I’d try to just relax and make the best out of it. It doesn’t sound like the most fun thing to do, but at least it’s a vacation. Bring an ipad/iphone filled with games, some books and other little distractions and just let the time pass. I know that I can’t fully understand what you’re going through, but I would do anything for a vacation, even with people that I don’t love hanging out with, because I’m tired all the time and work constantly, yet still have no money. Guess I’m a little jealous that you get two beach vacations and I get none. So try to focus on the positives. Some people would kill to get a week away.
Post # 12
gingerbee88: Thank you. That’s very helpful! I hope you get the break you need.
Post # 13
Fiance & I would go to the beach & rent a house with 20 of his friends every year, and at 1st I hated it..but then I realized, it’s his close, good friends who he rarely gets to see. Everyone travels from all different places…I go and do it for Fiance, knowing full well he’d do the same for me and my friends..We’ve learned to compromise, and would schedule “us” time..we’d go out to dinner just the two of us, without the group, or rent a 2 person kayak and hit the waters of the sound. I also think that you should not cancel your honeymoon over this, it seems you are only doing it because you’re upset and want to prove a point. 2 months is plenty of time to refresh/regroup before your 2nd trip. Talk it out together, it’s all about COMPROMISE…
Post # 14
Yeah, I dont get why he cant do it alone. If not, just go and suck it up, maybe next year have him skip that trip all together. I totally understand the weeks worth of drinking part, (I feel your pain) lol.
Hopefully someday they will all grow out of it.
Post # 15
I hope you have a lovely honeymoon and that the other vacation turns out better than you had hoped aswell. 🙂