(Closed) Upset with FILs decisions (somewhat long)

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
389 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I know I’m not much of a help, but I wish my Father-In-Law would back off a bit. I’m sure they’re not doing this because they don’t like you and I agree that driving their adult kid around is sort of strange.

Do you feel sad because you’d like to spend more time with them in general, do you think you should be higher on their priority list (like you said, you might be the only shot at a grandchild)? It sounds like your Fiance doesn’t really have a problem with their behaviour, is he close with them otherwise?

Post # 4
Member
3303 posts
Sugar bee

While it is odd, it is their decision to cater to him. Unfortunately you just have to deal…. And also, you never know if the other brothers will get married/ have kids. Stranger things have happened. Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
389 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@MutatedBride:  I think you seem like a nice girl, who happens to have very different family dynamics thann your Fiance. Maybe this is a time where you should pick your battles, if you feel like it is something you could compromise on.

Maybe your Fiance has a reason he’s not that close with his parents. If he grew up with the other sibling(s) always getting more attention, he might feel resentment towards them. I think you should talk to him about how far he’d be willing to push for a closer relationship, he might have reasons you didn’t think of. Hope he opens up to you! 🙂

Post # 7
Member
1736 posts
Bumble bee

It’s a totally silly scenario on their part…what with the dog and all…but I can’t help but think that this is something you should probably steer clear of. How your FIL’s choose to live their life is a touchy subject and offering your opinions on it might cause some tension. I wouldn’t make the assumption that they will treat your wedding weekend in the same way that they will treat a visit to your parents house (very different scenarios)…see how that goes first and then broach the subject as necessary.

Post # 8
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@MutatedBride:  I think that your feelings are completely understandable.  In some ways, your future inlaws sound a lot like mine and it has been very difficult for me to understand/deal with their interaction (or lack thereof) with my Darling Husband, etc.  I was raised to believe that if you care about someone, you make efforts to be a part of their lives and sometimes, that involves sacrifices…but this isn’t the case for everyone.  I love my inlaws, but they almost never call us, come to visit once a year, don’t listen when you tell them things (like when you are arriving, etc), and are almost pathological in their desire to not interfere.  They will not be involved grandparents, which I think bothers them, but they aren’t willing to go out of their way to be involved with their grandson now.  I don’t think they know how to be involved.  

So, here’s my advice: if your Fiance doesn’t have an issue with this, then I think that you’re going to need to back down.  I would let him know that your parents might be hurt if his parents don’t show the same interest in getting to know them…but other than that, I don’t think that you can do much.  You can also explain that their attitude about the entire wedding upsets you (not being willing to be there for long, family members not coming because of a dog, etc), but you need to take the lead from your Darling Husband.  If he doesn’t care, you’re going to have to realise that this is just who they are.  When it comes to grandkids, it’s their issue.  You can’t force them to be interested in your kids…

As much as it sucks (see above…I’m pregnant now and am dealing with this issue), you have to realise that it doesn’t have anything to do with you.  The family dynamics were in place long before you came on the scene.

 

Post # 9
Member
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

 

I can understand you being pissed off at all this.  It is pathetic how the FIL’s are treating the dog and your Future Brother-In-Law.  

My own brother actually bought his dog along to my wedding… he couldn’t even leave it alone for a few hours!  The dog stayed in the car during the ceremony…and then my brother, wife and the dog drove home soon afterwards. Didn’t stay for the reception at all.

My mother went absolutely spare when she found out, as my brother was the only family I had attending (wedding was in UK, mother lives in Oz and can’t travel). But being typical Mother-In-Law herself, she blamed my now SIL…

I’d stay well out and let your Fiance deal with it, if he wants to.   

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